Oh Captain, My Captain…

Would you believe me if I were to tell you at the ripe ole age of seven, I was watching movies from Francis Ford Coppola?

You’d call bullshit right?

That my friend would be where you are wrong.

You see, many moons ago while I was just a young lad, I often took trips to California to visit my grandparents in San Diego. During most of these trips my grandparents would make sure that my brothers and I had a great time and filled our summer with amazing memories.

We’d often hit up the San Diego Wild Animal Park. Or the San Diego Zoo. One time we were even treated with the opportunity to visit Miramar Marine Base. (It used to be Miramar Naval Base, and the reason that’s cool, and the reason you should care, is because that’s where they filmed Top Gun. Remember the scene where Charlie is dissecting Mavericks flying, and he gets all pissed? Remember that darkened room? Yeah? I was in there. I sat there where Maverick, Goose, Iceman, and Sundown all sat. Aside from my job at the radio station, this is the only time I really namedrop anyone. However, I have since stopped, cause Tom Cruise is a crazy bastard.)

In addition to all those cool activities, my grandparents made sure that we attended Disneyland at least one day while we were on vacation there. Many of my now existing fears and loves are because of these trips to Disneyland.

My love of pirates? Pirates of the Caribbean.

Fear of the Ocean? Captain Nemo’s Submarine ride.

Hatred of the Outdoors and Cold? Matterhorn.

Back in 1986 one of my new loves was just forming. See, music television had just hit the airwaves, and there was one such a gentleman that was ruling them. His name was Michael Jackson. He was great. Billie Jean was the coolest video. Mainly because he had a tiger in it. I had no fucking clue what was going on, but dammit tigers were awesome. I can remember back then that I often attempted to copy the King of Pop. I had a red jacket that I thought rivaled that of MJ. However, mine was a Members Only jacket, and the only zipper was the one down the middle. I felt that even though it lacked that many number of zippers that MJ’s did, being red, it was very much the same.

Much like any kid my age, MJ’s dance moves were legendary. I can remember a rumor flying around school that Tommy had actually done the Moonwalk. I mean the actual Moonwalk. Not just dragging your feet slowly as you walked backwards like so many other kids in school could pull off. (me included.)

Summer rolled around, and it was indeed time to make it to California for the traditional summer vacation trip with my brother. At the beginning this seemed as if it was going to be just another trip to Disneyland. Seeing as there was no internet at the time information on your favorite Pop star was few and far between unless you heard it on the morning show of a radio station your parents didn’t want you listening to under the bed covers in your room. So being 7 years old, I may have missed out on the fact that my favorite Pop star of the time, and all around cool guy, was indeed going to be at Disneyland.

No, not quite in person, turns out that after his 4th nose job (not a stat I’m making up by the way) MJ was working on his new Sci-Fi image and career. Enter….

Captain EO!

For those of you who haven’t seen this piece of work let me fill you in. Disney took the reigns and produced a “state-of-the-art” 3D movie that would be featured in their theme parks. Starring none other than Michael Jackson, and some BAD ASS effects. When you’re 7 people, 3D is amazing. And the glasses are cool. Not only did it star MJ, but Academy Award Nominee Angelica Houston, and directed by Francis Ford Coppola.

No shit. Francis Ford Coppola.

Apparently at the time, not only was it the coolest movie I’d ever seen in my life. It was also the most expensive per minute movie in the entire world.

I feel as if my words in writing this don’t give this cinematic masterpiece it’s due. So with that being said throw on your 3D glasses and enjoy all that is, Captain EO!

and part two

I’m not sure it works, but if you have some 3D glasses I suggest you put them on and enjoy…. Man this brings back so many memories.

I left that day satisfied beyond all belief. My new found musical pop hero was in the coolest movie I had ever seen. I was at Disneyland. And to take home with me I bought the flying little thing as a plush toy…

I can remember seeing Captain EO a couple times over the next couple years. My grandma always sat through it with me, and always complained about the music of the movie. Another Part of Me by MJ became one of my favorite songs of my childhood years.

The good news, I can watch Captain EO on YouTube, and pick up Another Part of Me on iTunes. And even though he may have been clouded by some “extra curricular” activities, I’ve got some fond memories of The King of Pop. He truly was a talented musician.

Plus, everything is so much cooler when your 7.

Until Next Time…

Email me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

S.A.W…

It’s October 31st folks, and where I come from that makes this Slut Appreciation Weekend, in more common terms, Halloween. 

It’s the only time of the year where any girl can dress like a complete whore and it’s is totally socially acceptable. Not only is it acceptable, it’s encouraged. I for one love this idea. I for one am all in favor of this idea. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if this happened maybe once or twice more a year.  I mean what actually happens in the month of May? Nothing. 

August? Even More nothing. 

So number one, I propose S.A.W be held at least twice more during the year. 

And number two, I propose Halloween ACTUALLY be renamed as Slut Appreciation Weekend. I feel as if this will clear up a number of issues of Halloween. 

Lastly, I would like to take a moment to honor someone who paved the way for S.A.W. to become what it has today. A true visionary, a pioneer of S.A.W. Someone who shaped the future and gave hope to women of the future… Ladies and Gentelman… I give you … 

Kelly Taylor!

 

Kelly set a precedent for all future Halloweens. Guys, I do believe we owe Kelly Taylor a huge debt of gratitude. For she has shaped a future like this….. 

This is a future, I want to be a part of. 

 

Thank you Kelly Taylor… Thank you. 

Happy S.A.W. Everyone.

Until Next time…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

The Dark Knight Weekend…

Let me get this outta the way. The title of this blog will make much more sense in a little bit. But first let me tell you about a little movie I saw this weekend.

I saw The Dark Knight this weekend. TWICE. I LOVED it! It was amazing. More times than not I caught myself with my mouth open in awe at how freakin good Heath Ledger’s Joker was. It was simply amazing to see someone command a screen like that. To completely transform himself into something unrecognizable.

I’ve never actually been a Heath Ledger “fan.” I hate First Knight. Never really saw Brokeback Mountain. He was annoying in Lords of Dogtown. However, I did enjoy his performance in 10 Things I Hate About You. I’m not sure how that ranks on the current state of my manhood, but I took the lesser of two evils in Ledger’s resume. My point is, I didn’t want people to think that I was jumping on the critics bandwagon of loving Heath Ledger’s talents.

Nolan’s directing, and Ledger’s performance have given credibility to a genre of movie that have been so long laughed at and and given the back seat to “real” movies. I wish people like Michael Bay, George Lucas, and Jerry Bruckhiemer would take notice of what Nolan did with so very little CGI. Maybe Christopher Nolan should pass them a not in regards to the amount of CGI put into a movie. I believe it would read something like this…..

Dear Directors.
CGI is cool. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. (*cough* vine swinging scene in IJ IV *cough*)

But the whole entire movie comes down to Heath Ledger. I’ve never been in awe of what an actor has done. The closest I came was Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson. I can indeed say I was in awe of the character that Ledger put on screen. Allegedly there are talks of a third with the same ensemble cast, and all I can say is, the Joker will be missed.

ps, go see it.
(oh and another thing, I have developed a crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal)

Well, now with that out of the way, I would like to inform you that the rest of this blog is brought to you by Warner Bros.’ The Dark Knight. Starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, and Aaron Eckhart.

I drove out early Friday morning to the small Oregon town The Dalles. It would indeed be two small town visits in the span of two weeks. I generally try not to do such things, for it fucks with my fung shway? shuei? Dammit, now I have to look it up….. hold…….

Feng Shui. There we go.

I got into town as a promise to Mrs. Gibbs from roughly a month ago that I would indeed visit them at thier new home together in The Dalles. My one condition was that if it got too hot, I would indeed not becoming, because as I’ve stated before, I do not deal well with heat.

Gibbs informed me that he indeed did have an AC unit so all would be well in the world. I got into town and woke Gibbs up from a nap when I got in, becuase he had worked graveyard the night before and was a bit sleepy. I settled in to the house and dan and I bullshitted a bit about nothing important. We decided to hit a local hotspot in town, Dairy Queen.

I proceeded to order a Chicken Strip basket and forgo the Ranch dressing I usually get and instead get the gravy said CSB comes with. What have I been missing for so long???? This gravy was glorious. I could dip everything in it. Fries. Check. Texas Toast. Check. Chicken Strips. Check. The thought even occurred to me to get a chocolate sunday and proceed to top it with Gravy. mmmmm sounds good right now still. I do have an inner fat kid I fight off constantly.

After DQ we met up with Mrs. Gibbs at her place of employment, a winery! YAY! Actually I’m not a fan of wine really, but they served beer there so we were set. Plus we were going to see The Dark Knight so I wanted to be of sound mind and body.

Near the winery was a Dominoes pizza and a mom and pops market. We were sent over to the mom and pops market to pick up some ice. Once inside I couldn’t believe how awesome the place was. Complete with locals at our becking call ready to help us. We picked up some ice and I couldn’t help but notice the “Bobble Babes” beer coozie! I considered buying one for Gibbs, but figured the misses probably wouldn’t be to keen on the bouncing chest of Gibbs beer coozie.

After some time with Mrs Gibbs it was off to see the Dark Knight! If you couldn’t tell from my review above it was pretty sweet. So sweet in fact that the whole weekend was dubbed the Dark Knight Weekend. You see after the movie Gibbs and I met up with Mrs Gibbs while she was still working. The winery tasting room was a bit more busy as there was some live music.

There were also a lot of dudes wearing cutoff shirts. Strangest phenomenon.

We gots some beers then the most brilliant idea came upon us. Dude lets get a pizza from dominoes and play video games. Oh and get drunk. And that folks is what we did. Off to Dominoes! It was there, where the whole theme of the weekend came to fruition. Dominoes has a new special Gotham City Pizza that is indeed “cloaked” in 50% more pepperoni. (It also comes in this dope black box) Being the consumer whore that I am, it was immediately decided that we shall get the Dark Knight Pizza and head home.

The Dark Knight Pizza

"Cloaked" in 50% more pepperoni.

From there we decided to do what we do best. Play video games.

It’s amazing how fast Gibbs and I fall back into our college days. Pizza, beer, jack daniels, and video games. Were pretty ok with this being our life. And we have no problems with it at all.

The drinking intensified and so did the shit talking while playing video games. We busted out NHL 01 for the playstation 2 knowing full well we have much cooler games we could be playing. However we spent many a college nights wasting away playing NHL 01 so it was only fitting we bring it back. After this game…

This Game Put Me Up 3 games to 1.

I was up 3 games to 1 on Gibbs. Which, unlike college, never happened. Gibbs had a tendency to whoop my ass at games a lot. But on this night, I felt cocky, I felt a swagger unlike before. It may have been the Jack, I dunno, but I decided to unleash a barrage of shit talking. I may or may not have included items that included his mother into the conversation. (PS Gibbs’ mom is a wonderful lady, and all shit talking about his mom, is not only untrue, but unwise.)

Gibbs took exception to my swagger and decided he had had enough…

Gibbs Humbles Me.

I had been humiliated. At one point I think the score was 6-0. We played one more game in which I won, putting the weekend score 4-2 in favor of me. It felt good. Rarely did I beat Gibbs at vidoe games. But the beatings were far from over!!!!

We woke up the next afternoon, roughly around 11 and began to watch Parental Control on MTV. I kid you not when I say we probably watched a good 3 hours of it. What was even more sad was the simple fact that we’d flip back and forth between Parental Control and the Sox game on Fox. We decided that once we were ready to face the day (2 pm) we felt the need to start drinking. Gibbs was on a mission to get the ingredients for a drink he had consumed in the Big City. So off to Fred Meyer and the liquor store to get some soda, and some steak for our BBQ adventure we would be having that day.

We got back and immediately started drinking I with my Jack Daniels and Gibbs with his “Go-Go.” I believe that is what he had heard them called. We, however, decided that that was..
a.)not cool
b.) not manly
c.) just plain stupid.

So with that being said, Gibbs and I decided to call this drink…. of course…. the Dark Knight. Why, well first because it was so good that the drunkeness was probably going to sneak up on you like The Dark Knight. Second Gibbs decided to leave a knife in his drink all day long, so that it would more be in spirit of the Joker. He occasionally stirred his Dark Knight with his straw, but it was mostly for looks. And to up the toughness factor of the drink.

The Dark Knight concoction and Jack

We had all day to waste so we got back to playing video games. However these were not your new fangled video games. We went old school with it and rocked Gibbs’ sit down Mrs Pacman game system. I’m not going to lie, we probably played video games for a good four hours. All the while drinking Jack and Cokes, and “Dark Knights.” We were both getting pretty drunk when we decided to start obtaining high scores on all sorts of games. Galaga. High score ours. Dig Dug. High score ours. Mrs. Pacman. High score Gibbs. I came in, and decided I would dominate some Donkey Kong. Gibbs laughed as I told him I would get the high score on Donkey Kong. Folks, for those of you who know, DK is one of the hardest video games in the world. I of course was not afraid.

Dedicated.

BOO YAH DONKEY KONG!

After hours of playing video games, Mrs. Gibbs returned home, and we all headed out to see the Dark Knight again. Mrs. Gibbs had missed it the first night and we loved it so it was no problem seeing it again. However this time, Gibbs and I were already a little messed up. Of course we couldn’t let this go, so we filled some flasks and off to the theater.

At one point Gibbs and I were singing along to a wonderful song by Jason Mraz, when we exited the car, and he turned to me and said…. “we should’ve joined a boy band.” 9:10pm and Gibbs was hammered. I was too so it was extra funny and not at all true.

We proceeded to the concession stand to pick up some sodas to empty out our flasks of Jack into. We also picked up some candy. I was going to go for the M&M’s but the Reeces Pieces had Batman on them, and being the consumer whore that I am, changed my mind. The high schooler at the concessions picked up on this rather quickly, and joined in the fun
HS Boy: “would you like some dark knight butter for your popcorn?”
Us: “yes.”
HS Boy: “would you like a dark knight soda?”
Us: “yes.”
HS Boy: “would you like to buy my 1983 Dark Knight Honda Civic?”
Had he actually asked us this, I’m pretty sure we would have been driving home in the kids used car. Damn my whoreism.

We caught the Dark Knight for the second time. We got out, and Dan and I were a little smashed but that didn’t change our opinion. We got back to the house and all hung out for a little bit and drank a little bit more. about 1 in the morning we all called it a night. I said goodbye to Gibbs and Mrs Gibbs because I didn’t want to wake them in the morning. And with that, the Dark Knight weekend was over.

and what a weekend it was!

What’s Happening?

So it’s been a little bit since I blogged, and instead of writing the obligatory “I’m really busy blog, I’ll write one soon.” I decided that I would just take half an hour out of my Sunday night to jot some things down.

Nothing really all that important has happened lately but I thought I would let you in on a couple of things happening.

Couple weekends ago a very very good friend of mine, Gibs, came into town to hang out and celebrate his anniversary with his wife. I haven’t gotten to see Gibs lately becasue he lives in a very remote part of the state that no one goes too unless they have a job there (Gibs) or they’re hiding from the law. The only reason I know Gibs isn’t hiding from the law is a.) because he works for law enforcement currently, b.) I’ve actually been called by the state to answer some questions regard Gibs and his character. Gibs and I were roommates throughout college so I suppose I’m a character witness.

(Although it is worth noting that I lie every time they call me when they ask if Gibs has any problems with alcohol. And I guess its not really lying because Gibs doesn’t have any problems with alcohol, in fact he loves alcohol. They’re like best friends, and if he wasn’t currently married, I’m pretty sure he and booze would be walking down the isle shortly. That is, if he could stand long enough.)

Anyway, so Gibs and his lovely wife came to town and we decided to meet up last second. I can honestly say it’s always a great time when Gibs and I get together, and this was no difference. The biggest difference was that Gibs’ lovely wife was, how do I put this delicately,…. oh right, she was shit canned! Apparently they had gone to a baseball game before meeting up with me, and Mrs. Gibs was already well on her way. We met up downtown and continued with our usual pattern of drinking.

Mrs. Gibs decided that it was time to finally get something off her chest. Remember the little town that the Gibs live in, well as it turns out I haven’t visited them since they’ve been married. (With obvious reason.) So in all her drunken glory Mrs. Gibs gave me sooooo much shit that I decided to cave and head out to the Gibs family home in the future, and possibly collect on some rewards for the FBI. In addition to agreeing to visit the “land that technology forgot” Mrs Gibs also decided that it was indeed time that I found myself an “honest” woman. To which she scoured the bar for someone to not only introduce me to, but hopefully set us up and marry us off.

Mind you this wouldn’t be such a big deal, and I wouldn’t have minded cause I generally trust women’s ideas of hot, but I also didn’t realize that Mrs. Gibs gets a wicked case of beer goggles when she drinks. So low and behold Mrs. Gibs was literally dragging me across the bar for the most awkward introduction that I may have ever been involved with. I don’t even remember the poor girls name but she was bombarded by Mrs. Gibs and my awkward shyness considering the moment. We chatted and it was small talk, so it came to an abrupt end. Which, even that felt awkward.

It must also be said that the young lady paid less attention to me than the nice young Asian gentleman sitting next to her. And yes, I’m flattered when gay guys hit on me.

I knew the night was a success when I received the following text messages from Gibs.
– Hey man, we got locked out of our room, but we got it figured out.
– Just letting you know Mrs. Gibs and I threw up, a lot.
– What time did you drop us off last night?

success.
Look for the Gibs Family Visit blog coming after July 19th.

As some people already know I can’t stand the heat. And apparently this past weekend Mother Nature decided I hadn’t had enough shit go down in my life, so she jacked up the furnace to a brisk 103 degrees. SERIOUSLY! 103???? I felt like I was going to melt. I think my body temperature is much higher than that of the average person. All of my past girlfriends can attest that when it’s hot outside, I’m THE worst person to be around. There is NO touching. NO snuggling. NO PDA. NOTHING. There is absolutely no way I’m inviting people to raise my body temperature along with my uncomfortable level.

So I do my best to make sure I stay in or around air conditioning. So off to the movies I went. I had passes from the radio station to go see The Happening for free. So I called up Stevie P. and we decided to roll down on Saturday.

Now it must be said that I am a big fan of M. Night Shyamalan. I really like The Sixth Sense. I loved Unbreakable. I liked Signs and the Village too. Wasn’t a fan of Lady in The Water, but I still enjoyed Shyamalan’s style of directing. So after hearing some early reviews of my friends calling the movie the Crappening, I was a little timid. And with reason. The movie is a bit of a stretch. The concept will have a lot of people upset and saying this is stupid. I however, (while I agree with the review of the movie itself, it was a stretch) would like to point out that I have written many times (here, and here) about mother nature and the power she wields. She’s one cranky bitch my friends, so maybe, just maybe, M. Night was on to something. Maybe he reads my blogs and got some inspiration. I dunno. What I do know, is the movie was totally worth the price I paid (free)… and although the movie was a bit of a let down, I’m still a BIG fan of his directing style.

If you want spoilers to the movie so this makes a little more sense, leave me a comment with your email. I’ll ruin everything for you.

In another new revelation, I may have begun a new little crush on Zooey Deschanel.

While most of the world was watching another new little crush, DeAnna Pappas (ps, she wasn’t a crush till this post from The Superficial), on the bachlorette I was busy watching some show called Baby Borrowers or something like that. Basically they take someone baby’s, probably some Mormons or Catholics cause they’ve got kids to spare, and give it to some high school couple who thinks they (the girl) really wants a baby, to take care of for the week. What ensuses is a whirlwind of awesomeness where young girls get the biggest kick in the ass when realizing, “hey this baby shit isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”*

(*official quote from said teens)

What is even more awesome is when the boyfriend (who all of them didn’t want one in the first place, shocking) gets the ultimate chance to say “I told you so.” Which for any young man in his teens is almost like winning a state championship. The chance of being right when going up against a woman comes few and far between in your teen years. Some young men go their entire teens and early twenty’s without ever being right. So when the opportunity comes you men, you take it! You take it and you ride that being right till the sun comes up.

Oh, and wear a condom kid.

Lastly (I know this is long) while I sat at home this past weekend and enjoyed the bliss that is our houses AC (and the fact my parents pay the energy bill…. hellllllloooo 70 degrees.) My friend Alicia were IMing back and forth and she sent me something she found roaming the internet!

The Vitamin String Quartet!

This was about the coolest thing ever! It’s basically just a REALLY good string quartet that does covers of popular songs. One of their latest CD’s is covers of Fall Out Boy’s songs. But by searching iTunes there is a bevy of cd’s and songs to choose from. Here were some of my favorite selections.

Clock – Coldplay
Welcome To The Black Parade – My Chemical Romance
Sweet Child O’Mine – Guns N’ Roses
Sunday, Bloody Sunday – U2
Mr. Brightside – The Killers

There are soooooo many more that I can’t even list. If you like music which I know a most of my friends do, you’ll be sure to check them out on iTunes. Amazing I tell you, amazing.

(ps, allegedly this was found on some wedding blog, apparently Alicia is checking out some wedding blogs. Just sayin.)

Nature 2. Hippies 0.

I am a very proud member of Netflix. I absolutely love this service. It’s basically Hollywood Video or Blockbuster on the internet. I honestly believe that everyone should take part in Netflix. It’s so freakin simple to get the movies you want to see without having to deal with a membership card, or late fees, or the pre-teen customer service one has come to find at such video stores.

These past couple of weeks I rented two similar movies that really got me to thinking. I rented Grizzly Man and Into the Wild. Grizzly Man was a documentary about a man who spent 13 summer with the Grizzly bears in Kodiak Alaska, while Into the Wild was a movie about a young man who gave up all his material possessions to live in Alaska. Both are true stories.

Here is where I have my problems. I hate hippies. That’s right you heard me. I hate hippies.

Sometimes I think hippies ideals are valid. That they may have some really good ideas. Then I realize after watching the movies that I did, that hippies are stupid. Like literally stupid. Here’s where I make my point.
(Caution Spoilers to both movies coming up.)

In both cases of these movies the people died! And I’m not talking some nice peaceful death, I’m talking gruesome Mother Nature giving you the bird death. The first hippie Timothy Treadwell who spent 13 summers with the grizzlies often thought “The bears are my friends, I have respect for the bears, so they won’t hurt me.” Well Tim, guess what, Mother Nature said Fuck you, and some grizzly bear gnawed off your face. Literally. So much for being in love with nature, idiot.
(ps the whole documentary is video from him filming himself. However, the bear attack came so quick, he couldn’t get the lens cap off. Sound was rolling.)

The second guy, died because he too put his faith in mother nature and though he could live off the earth. Which, kudos to you man, he pulled off for 9 weeks. Then bam! Put too much faith in a book about plants and ate one, and again mother nature said AH Fuck you! Dude dies of starvation. Which goes to show you hippies, don’t put too much faith in books. They’ll kill you.

I applaud people for having beliefs and loving Mother Nature. But I wish hippies would key into one factor, nature is a woman people. That’s right Mother Nature. And just like a woman, the minute you think you’ve figured it out, she freaks out and gives you the silent treatment. And all you want as a guy is to fix it, but she just keeps saying “I shouldn’t have to tell you what’s wrong with me, you should already know!” But of course you don’t know so she punishes you in the worst way possible. (which is all dependent on each relationship) In this case, Mother Nature likes to show you who REALLY wears the pants in the relationship, and gives you the ultimate fuck you!

Speaking of, I wish the hippies that are invading the trees so a college football statium’s construction will be halted would set aside their hippie ways for just a couple hours, rent a DVD player and watch Grizzly Man and Into the Wild. Hopefully they’ll realize that even though they respect the trees, those trees are just a part of mother natures wrath….

Come to think of it, maybe they shouldn’t be clued into the evil ways of Muther Effing Nature.

Sorry if that felt a little too much like a rant…

I thought I’d leave you with some upcoming movies that I would like to see.

Starting with Step Brothers.

I dunno what it is, I just think it look hilarious! Like really freakin Hilarious. Love Will.

The next movie I REALLY want to see is The Happening. It’s by one of my favorite directors of all time, M. Night Shyamalan! That’s right, I really like his work. I think a lot of people just didn’t understand Unbreakable and for the love of god, Signs still freaks me out! I just felt as if he did a great job of making peoples reactions “real.” Anyway, here’s the trailer….

(ps, there is currently a bug flying around the light above me as I write this…. literally freaking me the fuck out. (dammit, I promised myself that I had reached my F word quotient for the blog. Son of a bitch, now I feel bad.))

Next up is Son of Rambow. I’ve got this wierd likely for english humor. Like I love Monty Python, The Black Adder, and my favorite new show Top Gear. So when I came across this little trailer I was genuinely excited… here it is, enjoy.

Well there it is for the night. Hope you enjoyed the blog…. Want all of you to know, I did watch the RoL2 season finale and a full recap will be coming shortly! Until then.

Gym Rat, March Madness, Job Hunting…

So as it turns out, I’ve officially gone one full week with going to the gym. It’s pretty crazy I know. I never really thought I’d have it in me to do so, but low and behold I’m knocking out mile after mile. I surprise even myself sometimes.

Friday morning I found myself waking up just a little bit early to make sure I made it to the gym and downtown to watch some March Madness with my friends. First game on tap is Gonzaga, and of course I have them to win. Ever since I was back in college and the girl I was dating at the time was good friends with some of the players, I have been a fan. Of course it didn’t hurt that that was the first year they went really far in the tournament. The team of Matt Santangelo, Casey Calvary, etc etc…

Anyway, so I proceed to the gym knowing full well, that if I get my workout done I’ll be home by halftime, shower, then on the Buffalo Wild Wings. So I find a treadmill crank it up, and look above to find a television with the game on it. When low and behold I get nothing!!! Stupid Obama was in town talking about something and they didn’t have the game on! WTF??? Who does that? What political leader in their right mind would pre-empt March Madness? I mean, he filled out a bracket. Wasn’t he concerned of the outcome? Did this not affect the outcome of his office pool? Seriously. Frustrating.

Obama finished his speech and the game returned, and all was well with the world. Aside from the shooting pains in my calf muscle. I finished up my work out, got all dolled up, and went down to BW3. My timing in my head must have been off, because I ended up listening to Gonzaga lose at the buzzer on my car radio. How dissapointed was I. Not only did I miss the game, I had to listen to them lose and crush my bracket just a little bit more. Which ultimately brings me to my next point.

I hate March Madness.

Well I don’t hate it. I mean I do, I just, wish it didn’t leave me feeling so empty. I’m reminded of Matt Damon’s character Mike in Rounders. You know the scene in the beginning where Mike knows he’s won, he’s a sure bet, and Teddy KGB sucker punches him in the gut with pocket Aces?? That’s pretty much how I feel by Sunday afternoon. Sucker punched in the gut, cause I know some friend of mine’s girlfriend is the one cleaning up our Bracket competition. All because she thought “Davidson Red looks good on me.” Son of a bitch.

I’d go more into depth on the whole bracket situation, but I’m pretty much done. At this point my saving grace is UCLA, North Carolina, and Memphis. But with my luck, they’ll all lose. Needless to say I won’t be that interested in the “Madness” until the championship game.

I’ve still got a lot of time on my hands, becuase I’m still looking for a job. And you know what else I hate…. pretty sure you all saw it coming, that’s right looking for a job. I seriously hate it. It’s good to know that I’m trying to find a job during a period of really shitty economy. That’s awesome.

Seriously though. I think one of the things I hate the most is a cover letter. What is the REAL point of a cover letter. I mean I get it’s purpose, to lobby for a job, to make yourself look better. But in all reality it’s just 3 more paragraphs that are more than likely going to expose you for the faker you really are. Cause in all honestly how many of us bend what our “experience” is to “job requirements?” I know I do. And I guess I have to really. Telling people in the real world exactly what I did isn’t easy with a little one page resume. And trust me when I say having Music Director on your resume doesn’t actually lend itself to to many opportunities. So with that, I decided to write a cover letter informing potential employers just how freakin awesome I am. More than likely, this will not work.

Big news though. Red Sox (and all of baseball) opening day is Tuesday morning at 3 am. Diasuke Matsusaka starts things off against Rich Harden of the Oakland A’s. I’m really kind of nervous though this year. I know we have a great group of really talented players, but I’m pretty sure the kiss of death came when I logged onto ESPN.com this morning. There it was on the front page no less. Baseball experts have picked the Sox as the “favorite” to win this year.

Ugh.

If you’re a real Sox fan you’ll already know that this can’t really bode well for our team. We’ve seen stuff like this before. We’ve never wanted to be the favorite. We like surprising people with our hard work and heart (04). We like overcoming odds, we like fighting and clawing our way back for the win (07). Most of all We Sox always, ALWAYS, have trepidation in our heart, because we know in a single fleeting second we can see it all crumble before our eyes. I spent all of last year keeping my mouth shut when we were 14 games ahead in the AL east. I kept my mouth shut when we were down 3-1 in the ALCS. I kept my faith at an all time high at every one of those pivotal points and I was rewarded. Now, I feel as if the black curse of death has been placed on my beloved Sox. Apox on you ESPN! APOX ON YOU!!!!!!!

But, wether or not the Sox are in first or in last, I will always be a proud member of Red Sox Nation. Go Sox!

Lastly, in keeping with my love affair of movies, I got some really great ones from Netflix this week. Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men, Cashback, and some others. I just want so say that No Country, and Michael Clayton were as good as the nominations that followed. They were awesome. No Country was an amazing thriller with unforgetable characters provided by the Coen Brothers who are fantastic! Michael Clayton had a stellar cast that brought this intense drama to life. I highly reccomend both movies! Cashback… eh. It was alright.

Sometimes I Don’t Follow The Cool Kids

Sometimes I don’t follow the cool kids. I’ll not jump on the bandwagon of things that are cool and hip.

For example, I just started watching Arrested Development. Like not catching the new season or what not, actually watching the first season on DVD last night. I liked it so much I finished the whole first season the last night. It was fantastically sarcastic, witty, and funny. Jason Bateman stars and dammit he’s just funny. One of my favorite rolls that he’s done was the sports anchor in Dodgeball…. Effin A, Cotton. Effin A. Hilarity.

Oh, heres one of my favorite lines from Arrested Development.
Mom: “Well, I’m going to the Hospital Bar.”
Jason: “Mom, hospitals don’t have bars.”
Mom: “no wonder people hate hospitals.”

I don’t know why. I just thought it was hilarious.

Anyway. Not catching the bus the first time I think can be a good thing. Gives me time to evaluate my priorities. Like hookah. Unless you’re 18 and about ready to go out cosmic bowling. you probably shouldn’t be smoking hookah. Seriously. It’s flavored tobacco. Cool i get that. Tastes good. I get that. What I don’t get is this…

If you’re a guy in your mid to late 20’s would you ever consider smoking blackberry, raspberry, or peach cigarettes? No, you say?? Would people make fun of you and call you “gay” for smoking fruity cigarettes? Ya think? Maybe? I mean you’re are essentially smoking flavored cigarettes. (Minus the nicotine and all it’s harmful truth commercials.) Might want to look into that a bit. I’m just sayin. Plus it’s something cool hip and trendy from another country so of course white people can latch on to it. Might as well be featured on stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

So this all brings me to my point. Recently I decided to follow all the cool kids and go see Cloverfield the day after it came out. I’m not going to lie, I was taken in by viral marketing, and the intenseness of the creepy preview. And of course one of my good friends gave a glowing review.

KHam “It’s really good!!”
Me: “Really!?”
KHam “Yeah, it’s really good.”
Me: “What’s good about it?”
KHam: “It’s just good.”
Me: “well damn, I can’t argue with that. Sign me up!”

So I went to see Cloverfield.

See I don’t feel I’ve ever been able to talk about Cloverfield because I blogged on MySpace, and Cloverfield did extensive marketing on MySpace, and I just didn’t want to feel Toms rath but…………

It sucked! Like it was terrible. Like really bad. I got sucked in. All the people in the world who loved it I actually question if we’d seen the same movie. I kept going to movie reviews all over the net…
“it’s great” (it wasn’t)
“A scary thrill ride” (it’s not)
“you’ll be on the edge of your seat.” (you won’t)

I couldn’t believe my eyes. What had this world come to??
You may even be reading this and saying, gee, I really liked it. Why did you hate it so much.

Well obviously not real person asking me a fake question on my blog, here are some of the reasons (actually all of them) why I hated Cloverfield.
(THERE WILL BE SPOILERS HERE. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT ALREADY (BLESS YOU) AND YOU DO WANT TO SEE IT (PLEASE DON’T) THEN DO NOT READ AHEAD. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.)

#1. Could they have gotten more generic people to be the characters. It’s like they picked them up off the street… Ok you with your old navy sport coat and unkempt hair, you’re in. Um you pretty girl… yeah you’re in. You… yeah awkward looking social outcast… totally IN! oooh and you, with your trendy t-shirt, and unkepmt beard and hair, you’re older brother. And you, yeah you black girl, you’re totally in. They were boring, lame cookie cutter characters.

#2 Speaking of the black girl, did anyone else notice that in the melting pot of the WORLD, there were two black people. Two. One main character, and the dude from the military. Two. In New York. You may as well have been tearing down Salt Lake City with those staggering diversity numbers.

#3 Let me get this straight. Monster invades. Blows out windows with his footsteps (important for another point later on.) Everyone is running away. On a bridge. Big brother gets crushed by gigantic tail. Back to the city. Main character gets the muther effing urge to save a girl he’s slept with once, and was probably sleeping with another dude????? SERIOUSLY. The were upset for like 2 mins after big bro gets its, then lover-boy is going after some slut, that was going to sleep with someone else. No way. No way in hell. I mean imagine he gets back to her apartment (another point) and there they are in all their naked glory just after doing it smoking cigarettes. I guess this is the movies, so it wouldn’t happen. But in real life, (and by real life I mean mine) that’s what would happen to me.

4. The big scary scene in the movie is when our handsome group travel to the subway tunnels to get from place to place. People would ask me, didn’t you find that scene scary? No, and here is why. Who the fuck seriously things the subway tunnels of New York city are safe?? Who?? NO ONE. So of course something was going to get them in there. of course.

5. When they went back to find the main characters whore, they come across her apartment building that is LEANING against another building. LEEEEAAANING!! Leaning on another building. If there is anything we know in this world, it’s that building aren’t really that sturdy. But alas, that is the only way they could get to lover-boy’s whore. (Which again was another epically stupid bit of filmmaking.)

6. Towards the end of the movie, most of the characters are dead. Three remain, they’ve made it till morning. We all assume them to be safe. And that is how we get the footage that was shot. Then out of no where the monster (that previously made your seat rumble with bass every step, and blew out the storefront windows) SNUCK UP on our wary travelers. How in the name of all that is good and holy, did the monster sneak up on the characters? Theres no way! NO EFFING WAY! God this part was stupid.

7. Last but not least, as I’ve previously mentioned in other posts, I worked at a Best Buy. In digital cameras/camcorders to be exact. Not one camera in the entire building has more than a 3 hour battery. I mean yes, you can buy a battery, but judging by the cookie cutter characters, those douchebags came into the Best Buy and said,

DB: “I want the best digital camcorder and a bag.”
Sales associate: “Would you like a battery? Or our Service plan?”
DB: “How long can I get with the battery it comes with?”
Sales associate: “About three hours. Assuming you don’t use night vision.”
DB: “naw, I’ll be good.” (with a douchebag smirk insinuating he was shooting porn, which in fact he was not.)

Plus not only would the battery not survive. The camera itself woudn’t have survived a bridge collapsing on it.

The film style didn’t bother me. You know the Blair Witch style of filming. I was ok with that. However. I was not ok with the above list.

Next time, maybe I’ll listen to my instincts and skip out on what all the cool kids are doing. Which reminds, me. I need to shave and get a hair cut. Oh, and stop by Old Navy, there is a sale on blazers.

Ps if you want to be one of the cool kids, Cloverfield is coming out on DVD pretty soon. Make sure you’re first in line.

Ben Affleck is Going To Be Pissed….

I’ve been slacking on my posting as of late. I happened to have been in Las Vegas for the last couple of days, so my writing took a gigantic back seat to drinking and attempting to pick up hookers.

And by pick up I mean shouting out the dollar amount I was willing to pay for their services.

“Dollar seventy five!!!!”

Once I shouted two fifty to which one of my lady friends in attendance shook her head awkwardly and disgusted said,

“you’d give that girl two hundred and fifty dollars to have sex with her?”

to which I replied….

“Fuck no, I meant two dollars and fifty cents! I may be desperate to have sex, but that doesn’t mean I”m not looking for a bargain!”

Anyway, if you were in Vegas and got shouted at by some dude with a dollar amount, be happy if you cracked $4.99. Only the select few did.

Which brings me to my point about neglecting my writing. While I was in The Vegas for only a short time, it was damn near a coma inducing trip. Late nights, tons of booze and the aforementioned hookers. Oh, and I did have some of the best friends in the world accompanying me along the way.

After returning home at 10 am, I was only awake for roughly 3 hours. I awoke in time to catch most of the oscars. If you’ve read my previous posts, I love movies. And I love watching which movies get rewarded for being great. Even when I disagree.

I totally think Ellen Page should have won. I mean come on…. She’s cute, smart, witty, sarcastic, rich, “indie,” and my current crush. So I’ll totally kick your ass if you don’t agree!!!!

None of the aforementioned reasons have anything to do with the fact that she was really good in that Juno movie. Oh, and Tilda Swinton scares me.

Speaking of boyfriends kicking ass did any of you catch this little gem??

Thats right, Busey wanted to get a little Alias action! And did Jennifer Garner actually ask for Ben Affleck?? Like WTF was Ben Affleck going to do?

Seriously?

Kick Busey’s ass? No effing way in hell does Affleck have a chance against Busey. I mean, maybe if it was a competition comparing careers Affleck might have the advantage (Phantoms was the shit!) But in terms of a physical altercation, Crazy Busey would just straight up mop the floor with Pretty Boy Ben.

I actually think Jennifer Garner has a better chance at whopping Busey’s ass than Ben does. The only scenario I see Ben Affleck coming out on top (innuendo intentional) is if it was the last day of high school in 1976 and O’Bannion and his friends are out and about paddling pre-frosh with paddles and Busey happens to be one of those pre-frosh, then, and ONLY then, does Aflleck win.

ps this hilarious video also confirms my suspicion that Affleck would get his ass kicked….

I may have started crying whilst watching that video. Any video that contains Harrison Ford, Huey Lewis, Brad Pitt, and Don Cheadle is comedy gold.
Plus it had Cameron Diaz making inappropriate hand gestures.

Classy Cameron Diaz. Classy.

If Loving Movies is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right….

So for those of you who don’t know me, I can tell you, I pretty much LOVE movies. Even the headline of this blog is taken from a movie. Coming to America. That’s right Eddie Murphy said these words…. “If Loving the Lord is Wrong… I Don’t Wanna Be Right!” I may have substituted some words…. whatev.

They’re pretty much one of my most favorite things in the world. If you want to get in good with me just start talking movies. I believe that most of life’s problems can be solved by watching a movie.

I can tell you though, I’m not a fan of scary, gory, torture, hack you with an effing chainsaw (sans Scarface) movies. I just don’t see a lot of point to them. Plus they apparently scare the women of our country. Cuase as everyone knows, not one of these movies prey’s on the stupidity of men. Just hot women who make the WORST choices ever. Oh and the ones that live by themselves. So I’m not a fan of “Horror.”

Other than that, I love me some movies. I can talk movies for hours with my friends. New ones, old ones, black and white, color, action, drama, you name it. I’m a big fan. 

Lately I’ve been checking out new movies left and right. I love watching trailers and getting excited for movies. If you hit me up on IM ever, at some point, I’ll be watching a movie trailer. For some people this is annoying.  

I like to be informed. Some people love to be the one who knows all the new music, or the one who knows all the new TV shows, or the one who knows all about the history of the middle east or knows ALL the new whatever…. I just to be the one who knows about new movies coming out. Call it a curse, call it annoying, call it an attempt to be trendy, call it whatever the hell you want, I get excited what can I say.

And speaking of new movies, the first one that I’m excited for is Smart People. Starring Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Thomas Hayden Church, and Ellen Page.
I may or may not have a little crush on Ellen Page. I can’t explain it. I think it’s pretty much her sarcasm and wit. I wish I could have guest writers on this blog, and Ellen Page would be one of them. I’d let her write some sarcastic blog about pregnancy, or adoption, or maybe track stars. I dunno I just feel as if me and her would totally get along and be like the best of friends. We could exchange witty remarks about people, and ultimately just be awesome.
*sigh.*

The other movie that I’m probably most excited for is Indiana Jones!

I LOVE Indiana Jones. Like A Lot!

I may or may not have actually attempted to be Indiana Jones.

Next to Star Wars, Indiana was next on my most influential movies of all time. I actually took an Archeology class in college HOPING it was going to be like Indiana Jones. It in fact was not, and well that was the end of my archeological profession.

However, this new movie breathes new life into a character that is obviously getting older. I am hoping that Harrison Ford passes on the torch to one of my new favorite actors, Shia Lebouf. I can see Shia taking the Jones name very far! Seriously I can’t wait.

Lastly, a movie I’m excited to see cause I think all of us have been close to this situation, is Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Oh, right did I mention its from the guys who brought you Superbad and the 40 Year Old Virgin??? No? Well I meant to.

Plus I love Jason Segel (40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and the TV Show How I Met Your Mother) and Jonah Hill ( Superbad and Knocked Up.)

But the people I love most are Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis! I freaking love Kristen Bell. Since she’s been Veronica Mars all these years, then solidifying herself in geekdom by appearing in Heroes. Yowzers!

Oh, and Mila Kunis is hot too, but I think her crazy level is WAAAAAAY up there. I mean she dates Macauly Caulkin, and that is effing wierd. Like really wierd. That dude is messed up now.

Of course I can’t say I’d be normal if I was disgustingly rich by the time I was 9, and my parents didn’t love me. I’d totally be effed up. Like totally.

effed up. But still rich. and dating Mila Kunis. but still efffed up.

So there you go… just a little rundown of Movies I can’t wait to see.