SWAT…

One who is familiar with this blog, would also know I may have a slight obsession with How I Met Your Mother. A tv show that is basically a love story in reverse. The father is telling the story of how he met his mother to his young kids all the while retelling stories from his youth about all the hi-jinx him and his friends would get into.

Well one of my favorites is non other than Barney Stinson. A one man wrecking crew as it comes to single (sometimes) ladies of New York City. Well, Mr. Stinson has quite the obsession with Laser Tag, and in a recent episode, was attempting to go to the finals of the Laser Tag championship. In taking on this quest, he asked his so called “best friends” Ted and Marshall to join, but seeing as how their awesomeness extends only to Wife-ing hot girls, and rocking a tweed sport coat like nobody’s business, they could not participate.

So Barney took to his blog to recruit some able bodied men… (and possibly some women, based on photos of themselves in a Princess Leia bikini.) I was one to take up this cause and take Barney’s team to the Championship and bring it home. For me. For Barney. And for the United States of America.

Without further ado… this is my application to join S.W.A.T. Stinsons Way Awesome Team.

I think i’m a shoe in.

Application to Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT)

Name: Withheld to protect the innocent.

Alias: Rocky, Rock, DoubleDown

Age: 30- Awesome

Weight and Height: 200 lbs. 5 foot 10

How many somersaults can you do in a row? Roughly 83

How many times have you watched “Die Hard”? Today? Like 3 times

Favorite Quote? Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

What’s your wing span? Long enough to hold a laser tag gun.

Do you own your own laser tag equipment? If so, what make and model? (Professional grade only, please) Scorpion Sub Machine Gun. Also, the model in the photo is wicked hot. http://www.battlefieldsports.com/submachinegun.htm

What martial art do you specialize in? I am actually not able to say. However, I shall let you know I am in a secret brotherhood sworn to protect our political heads, allies, and Harrison Ford.

How many years did you spend training on top of a mountain with a bushy-eybrowed old man? It took me 2 years to overcome the old man.

Did you eventually become the master? See above.

What’s your visual acuity? My visual acuity is so good, 99% of people cannot read the next few words….

Has your vision been enhanced by any sort of super-secret government nanotechnology? Also please see above about secret brotherhood. But yes.

Do you own a black turtleneck? indeed.

Does your family have a history of heart disease? (My lawyer says I have to ask this one) if by having a superhuman nanotechnoligically updated heart is a disease, then yes.

Did you grow up in a survivalist community or third world country where every day was a battle to survive? Indeed. I once killed a man just to watch him die. That and he wanted to kill me first.

If yes, did you use lasers to survive? Indubitably

What’s your favorite Mel Brooks movie? Spaceballs. The Movie.

If you answered anything other than “Spaceballs,” you can stop right here, because there’s no way you can be my partner.

Have you served in the military? Again, I am not liberty to divulge such information.

Was it one of the secret branches that you’re not supposed to talk about? No?

Did you use lasers? Super awesome ones, totally.

Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky? Not everyone can?!? That’s shocking. I did not know that.

Would you have any moral objection to using your skills on a particularly annoying 14-year-old who’s walked away with the trophy three years running? One would say, if it’s been 3 years running, it’s about time he get knocked off his high horse…

How many corn dogs can you eat in a row? Mini : 25 Regular size: 13

NOTE: If you have boobs, tear up the application and just send a picture of yourself in Princess Leia’s gold bikini costume from “Return of the Jedi.”

I, the undersigned, residing in the county of Washington, state of Oregon, do hereby declare my intent to practice, train and participate in all laser tag related activities set forth by Barney Stinson and the Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT). I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in a Battle Royale and/or Capture the Flag to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of physical injury associated with said activity. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Barney Stinson, SWAT and his affiliated organizations and sponsors from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from my participation in the above programs, specifically to include any and all claims for personal injuries sustained while present or participating in the programs or traveling to or from events in the programs or while on trips sponsored by or in conjunction to the programs.

The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing.

X Removed to Protect the innocent
Applicant Signature

“A Very Special Blog Post…”

So I broke down a couple weeks back. Turns out a friend of mine in radio made the final push and I cracked. I signed up for twitter. That’s right. I signed up to let everyone know what I was doing every second of the day. (Or every second I had a device capable of accessing the internet.)

I held off for as long as possible seeing as how I thought no one cared what I did minute after minute. I mean, in any given day whilst being unemployed I could give you the rundown of what I do right here.

11:45am wake up
11:46am go to the bathroom
11:47am fire up the computer.
11:49am Hopefully check emails about jobs I’ve applied for. Only to receive Facebook emails about What Disney Princess would my ex girlfriend be.
11:52am Go eat breakfast, turn on Sportscenter
12:00 back to the computer making my daily rounds. Facebook.com Perezhilton.com Barstool Sports.com and Yahoo.com
1:00pm (hopefully there was some decent stuff to read killing an apparent hour to my day.) Think about taking a shower.
1:01pm not taking a shower.
1:02pm start the online search for jobs.
2:00pm Get distracted by email from friend with a dog running into a wall, or a splendidly crafted A-Rod joke.
2:30pm Fire up the ole’ World of Warcraft.
4:00pm contemplate lunch. Eat Peanut M&M’s instead.
4:05pm now with Baseball season starting, fireup ESPN.com Gamecast of the Red Sox game. (put on in background)
4:10pm Online job search again.
5:00pm ask mom what’s for dinner.
5:10pm Contemplate another shower.
5:11pm Don’t take said shower.
5:30pm Start refreshing the Facebook and other social media sites, cause my friends are all off work.
7:00pm Watch Jeopardy.
7:31pm Hit my brother, bother one of the cats, generally annoy and bother those around me.
7:32pm PS3/Wii time
8:00pm start watching shows on TV, or turn on Hulu.com and catch up on shows I’ve missed.
9:00pm Realize that TV these days sucks. Head back to the internet for some fun.
10:00pm Most of my friends have started to doze off, refreshing of social media slows.
11:00pm Realize I’m not getting to sleep any time soon. Start up How I Met Your Mother season 1, 2, or 3.
11:15pm Start a search of the internet for something to keep me occupied. (read:pornWorld News)
3:00am Turn on Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter and finally fall to sleep.

Done.

That is my entire day almost in it’s entirety.
Seriously, if you feel the want or desire to follow me on twitter, or you think I’m wildly attractive, and charmingly witty, then by all means… follow away.

PS. that also gives out my real last name, so if you are equally as attractive and non-crazy, please feel free to do a little stalking. I won’t mind.
(sidebar: However, if your said hotness is less than said crazy-ness please forget I said anything. In fact, that’s not even my last name. I don’t know who that dude is.
In addition if you are unaware of said crazy hot scale, please allow my friend Barney Stinson to elaborate…
I’m sure I’ve posted that before. Or at least sent it to all my guy friends on Facebook at least twice.)

I mentioned before that I have been watching a lot of TV on Hulu.com. It’s just a website that hosts tons and tons of TV shows and movies in one convenient location. Did you miss Lazy Sunday or Dick in a Box from SNL? Maybe you’re too old, and you missed all of Doogie Howser M.D. or Charles in Charge? They’re all here. Some in all of their 80’s glory.

Speaking of 80’s glory… how bout these…
When Scott Baio of Charles in Charge drops his “L’s” when talking to the Chinese food delivery guy. In the 80’s racism was still funny. (Of course as I’ve noted before, all of this changed when 90210 aired, and let all of us who were raised by the TV set know, that it was in fact NOT ok to be racist. Thanks 90210.)

What about when Hot Hot Hot Chelsea Noble, Doogie’s former babysitter, came back to visit Dr. Howser and wanted to make out with him??? Don’t remember? Neither did I, until I watched the episode and did an extensive IMDB search to find who she was…

One Hot Babysitter

Of course then I came to realize she’s the same lady who met this douche….

That’s right, I think Kirk Cameron is a douche. And it was only after watching the E! True Hollywood Story that I came to this conclusion. It’s widely known that Kirk himself was at the downfall of Growing Pains. One of my favorite tv shows EVER! Apparently, Kirk found God and didn’t think that playing Mike Seaver was very respectful… blah blah blah… YOU TOOK GROWING PAINS FROM ME!!!

However, congrats on the salvation thing and great success on your movies.

As one may be able to tell, I watch a lot of tv, now and in the past. Television these days is great. I love it. I have a lot of show I follow on a consistent basis. But there is one thing I miss. Some of my younger readers may not know exactly what I’m about to talk about, but I really miss “A Very Special Episode.” The 80’s made valiant attempts to teach younger viewers and their parents the dangers and pitfalls of real life. Most of life was not lived with a supplied laugh track. And when real life problems were broached in the 80’s, producers made sure that those at home were to know it was coming. And it always went a little something like this….

Probably the most famous of all “Very Special Episodes” was from Diff’rent Strokes and the child molester. I contemplated putting in some video but decided, not only was it really creepy, but it was entirely too long. If you really feel the need to see what I’m talking about, feel free to hit up YouTube and search “Diff’rent Strokes and Bicycle Man.” While that officially creeped me out I’ll leave you with this gem from Diff’rent Strokes.

I think the closest we ever had to “A Very Special Episode in the 90’s was Saved By The Bell’s Jessie’s Song in 1990. I truly believe that had this show every rocked some primetime, we would have heard…

“Join us Monday night for A Very Special Episode of Saved By The Bell, where Jessie turns to drugs while trying to get by in school.” And this would have been the promo…

So awesome. So, so awesome.

Of course, taking caffeine pills wasn’t the biggest of Jessie Spano’s worries. Not being a gigantic whore in Las Vegas was.

Until Next Time…

email me…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Dirty 30 Gossip…

It’s inevitable, and there is no way I could have stopped it. I tried.

I started giving myself a years head start. But to no avail.

I turned 30 this past weekend. The day after the Super Bowl, to which I’m blaming my aching body, not the fact that I am “old.” The aching might also have to do with the fact that 4 or 5 games of beer pong, may just be too many for a Sunday evening. Then I realized I have no job, or any real responsibility so why the hell not! Bring on the beer pong.

It was the next morning when I realized, I have no job, or real responsibility and I am now 30. I feel as if the only way one can really get away with that in this world is if they are a professional snowboarder/skateboarder/or former cast member of the Real World. And seeing as how my attempts at being a skateboarder ended at the tender age of 9 with a broken wrist, I don’t think I can claim professional skateboarder.

I’ve never really made a big deal of my birthday. I think it stems from having a gigantic family in which remembering a birthday let alone making a big deal of it, is a huge feat. It may also stem from the fact that I’m a male and in being one of those, events/details/anniversaries are widely forgotten.

This weekend was no different. (not the forgetting part, the actual making a big deal)

I would have thought that creeping close to 30 I would have let go of things that may not be targeted quite to my demographic. For example, it’s been well documented that I do love me some reality TV, and The Hills, 90210, and even the OC here and there. So, in the course of being male and forgetting small details, I had forgotten I have a pension for tv dramas that may be targeted at the 18-25 year old female demographic and decided to pop in season one of Gossip Girl.

Bad mistake my friend. Bad mistake. I had been told that in fact I would enjoy the show based on this premise.
#1. Hot girls. Check
#2. Good Music. Check
#3. And something else, I forgot. Check.

You see little did I know but you blend all of these factors together and you’ve got me hooked. I started disc one late saturday night, and finally finished mid evening on monday. Yes friends that was 20 hours of Gossip Girl watching in a weekend of Super Bowls and Birthday haircutsfestivities.

The obsession began with Serena van der Woodsen… aka Blake Lively.

 

hellllllooooo!

(ps, now I know this picture is ridonkulously photoshopped making her look like a porn star  a little fake, but it’s one of the hottest ones. I mean, mens button up shirt. Skirt. Tie. Thats a win in my book.)

While she is quite the filly, there are moments where Im not sure she’s hot. And then she is. And then she’s not. And then she is. Basically she plays yo-yo with the hot/not hot line, and slightly leaning staying on the hot side. I believe her incredibly preppy outfits she rocks on an episode to episode basis remind me of a J.Crew add, which lets be honest, who doesn’t love J.Crew. 

Plus Blake was also in Sisterhood of the Traveling pants, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out a joke about Blake and my pants, but I keep coming up empty. 

After becoming smitten with Serena van der Woodsen I couldn’t help but notice relatively new commer Taylor Momsen. 

Upon further review, (and a diligent search on IMDB.com) I’ve come to the conclusion Taylor is not quite of age for me to be macking on. In fact, based on some loose math and the laws of gestation, I’m pretty sure that if I had gotten a girl pregnant in high school* I could in fact have a daughter the age of Taylor. Which is sad, because now I’m that creepy guy. Which I could have totally gotten away with in my 20’s. However seeing as how I’m now 30, this is totally creepy and now I’m a creepy old man. 

Damn you age!

Lastly, is Jessica Szohr, who plays some hot girl interested in some douche bag. Standard MO for this type of show. 

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Anyway, this foxy lil lady has appeared on such high quality shows such as What About Brian? Which leads me to ask, what about Jessica. No way that show should have focused on anyone but Jessica here. I mean, look at her. Honestly.

 

So that’s been my obsession for the weekend. I even looked at Target.com to figure out if they had Season 2 on DVD yet. Apparently, season 2 is on the CW every Monday night. But had they, I would have made a trip down to Target just to pick up season 2 and some hair stuff. I need some new hair stuff, because I got a new hair cut at one of those “man spas” HairM. 

I don’t usually pay for haircuts, I usually take a set of clippers attach the number 2, and BAM! But in this rare instance I decided to hop on down to HairM and get not only a great hair cut (thanks short little asian lady with huge white clown shoes) but got a great scalp massage and beer. You see, I love the scalp massage. I’ve been to HairM three times, and all three times I have passed out asleep whilst getting said scalp massage. It’s glorious ladies, seriously. You should all take classes in how to do this so that you  when it comes down to it, you can help end world wars with a simple massage. 

The best part of this adventure to HairM was actually the day before at our Superbowl party where the discussion of frequenting an establishment such as HairM may be akin to frequenting a whore house. 

Me: So I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow at HairM
Friend: (suspiciously) Really?
Me: (picking up on said suspicion) Yeah, why?
Friend: Do they wax your balls there?
Me: (in shock) Well, I, mean, I haven’t exactly memorized all the services provided….. but…..
Friend: Well I was just under the impression that’s what they did there.
Me: Well I’ve only been a couple times, so I”m not  exac…. wait,  WHAT MAN GETS THIER BALLS WAXED?
Friend: (laughing hysterically) I dunno, just figured Guys did that and thats the place it would get done. 
Me: NO!! NO. NO NO. NO. NO NO NO NO. Nope.
Friend: (giggles)
Me: Seriously, I can’t imagine that being a service anywhere aside from International super spys.
Friend: Just figured that would be something that went down there.
Me: Are you implying it’s a whorehouse?
Friend: Well, maybe.
Me: Well, for your benefit, I’ll make sure to ask in between hair cut and head scalp I’ll slip in a little, “hey can I get my balls waxed?”
Friend: Why thank you.

So, as I sat their in my chair, I contemplated for a short second asking if HairM services include Ball waxing. Then I realized, what if they did. Then she would think I would be willing to get one. And I’m just telling you this one thing. No man should ever want his balls waxed. EVER.

Plus depending on the girl, that may be considered a pick up line.

But, of course to conclude my 30 birthday festivities my little clown shoed asian stylist stopped near the end of my cut to mention,

“you’ve got some hair on your ears, I’m going to shave it off. And one long one.” 

Thank you. Thank you very much for reminding me that my new faux hawk haircut cannot halt the slamming realization that I am indeed 30. 

Boo Yah Twenties. We had a good run. 

 

*This of course was not at all possible in high school, for I was not cool enough to be having sex. However, I was cool enough to be 5th in line at the movie theater when Star Wars was re-released. Yup. I am that awesome. Who knew that I was this cool BEFORE the blog.

As always email at
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….

Because It’s Normal To Have 25 Girls Want You At The Same Time…

My friends, just like the title suggests, for any real man in this world, there is never, and I repeat NEVER a time in which 25 women want you at the same time. It just doesn’t happen. Celebrities, athletes, CEOs, Rock Stars, News Anchors, and former reality TV stars are all exempt from this rule.

So we have another installment of the bachelor. This time, the guy has a kid and was previously dumped by hottie DeAnna Pappas. Which, come on people, we all knew it was going down. She ain’t yo baby momma!!

So ABC pulls on the heart strings of all the women who fell in love with Jason on the bachelorette. And honestly, what girl with any kind of heart wouldn’t? He’s pretty much a ratings gold mine. Good man, single dad, got his heart broken at the “proposal spot.” (ps, I’m calling it that from now on. The proposal spot.)

Now all the women who watched this wretched show, now automatically feel as if they have some sort of connection with Jason.

Top 5 reason why this is true.
#1. All women have seen romantic comedies. All romantic comedies are formulaic, and after the big huge drama keeping the main characters apart, they somehow work it out and there is always a happy ending. This is the happy ending that all women are craving. Even ice queens.
#2. There is a kid involved. Have you ever noticed while watching SoapNet there are commercials for the needy kids in Africa? And ever notice how there are none of the same commercials during sporting events? That’s because kids pull at the heartstrings of women. Women love kids. Even ice queens.
#3. Dude was left at the “proposal spot” after thinking everything was hunky dory. Every women has been left at some where at some point when thinking everything was hunky dory. Even ice queens.
#4. He’s from Seattle. Women love Seattle. See #1 and please reference Sleepless in Seattle. HOLY SHIT… I just realized that this is a REAL life version of Sleepless in Seattle. Son of a Bitch.
#5. Women like winning. Wait, women like beating other women. Therefore by ultimately winning at this game you obtain a couple things
   5a. You beat 24 other women
   5b. you are getting married and those other losers are not.
   5c. you successfully landed what other women could not. Take that bitch.
   5d. you won a nice new diamond ring.
   5e. you won being a new baby momma. (Big win. Don’t have to go through that whole “pregnancy” thing, you know      getting fat, irritable, cankles, etc etc. Big win. Even for ice queens.)

With that being said, while I won’t be watching the show I will have plenty of girl friends watch the show and fill me in. What I will do, is play my own little bachelor. I shall go only by what their bio says on ABC.com and judge them without rhyme or reason. Please note that all actions that happen on the show will NOT be taken into account during this judgement.

Without further ado.

First 10 eliminated…

Dominique - Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

Emily - looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

Jackie - 26 my ass...

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Nicole - meh.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Sharon - Too old.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

So those are the first 10 women let go. Which now leaves me with 15 desperate beautiful women left to choose from. 

THE 15

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points. Plus I'm afraid her tooth might get caught on something... just sayin.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

FINAL 10

Basically these girls all cancel each other out. All of them are average looking with average jobs and all about the same age… so in essence they cancel each other out.  Plus there is some crazy eye going on with some of them. 

TOP 5

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

 

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

THE FINALS

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So who’s the winner? Well I can tell you one thing. I spent WAAAAY too much time looking at old Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squads. Yeah, I found Melissa pretty quickly, but DAYUM. I’m not lying when I say I put in a good 25 minutes on the Cheerleaders website. You are very welcome for all the clicks by the way. 

However, I have a job to do. I have to pick my Bachelorette to be my one and only, so we could meet at the proposal spot, and there I would  give her a ring and ask her to marry me. And all the lonely women loyal viewers would all in unison, go awwwwweee…. with a little tear shed from their eye. 

After much deliberation, and time to myself, I finally have made a decision. The winner my friends… 

 

My Bachelor Winner!

While many of the other contestants fought valiantly, Melissa brought her A game. And by her A game I mean pictures of her as a cheerleader. Seriously. She should carry those around with her. I told you… Its my Kryptonite. I can’t help it. Now, my only hope is that douche dad doesn’t actually pick her, and I can move to DFW and start my courting of Ms. Melissa. 

*sigh*

I hope you all enjoy the Bachelor this season. 
Make sure to catch it Mondays at 8pm 

 

Feel Free to email…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com 

Until Next Time…

Bachelorette…. Again?…..

Sometimes when I’m walking down the street in this wonderful city I’m in, and I happen to be hanging out with someone who I feel has the same type of humor and or judging abilities, I like to play a little game.

The game is of course… “Who Could Do Better?”

Basically it’s pretty self explanatory. You, being the judgmental party that you are, notice other couples walking around you. When you notice a couple that doesn’t quite fit, you say out loud…. “who could do better?” And then the judging commences.

Often times, it’s the woman that could usually do better. As is the case of…..

DeAnna Pappas and the dude she picked. They were so odd in fact, I don’t even remember the dudes name. All I do know is she was WAY too hot to be with that dude. I didn’t watch the Bachelorette this year, or in previous years, but I did notice how smokin hot DeAnna was. So with that being said, here is an open letter for me and DeAnna to hook up.

Dear DeAnna.

You’re hot. I was thinking you could be my sugar momma in this relationship. I was trying to think about what I could actually bring to the relationship, and couldn’t really come up with anything. Aside from having a “real” job. I’m no snowboarder/skier or whatever that hippie did. I also live with my parents, which if you think about, could be beneficial to us saving all of your money. Lastly, I can cook a mean dish of Macaroni and Cheese. And on special occasions, best believe I’m breaking out the Spirals for you! I also was a volunteer for Special Olympics. Annnnnd I like dogs.

Sincerely,

me.

Well. There goes nothing. It’s now out in the world wide web. Hopefully she’ll come across this letter and realize we’ve been meant for each other. I mean, how could she not. I think that letter was full of inspiring things that we have in common. I have a lot to offer I believe.

Anyway, for those of you who are saying… you’re getting waaaaay ahead of yourself… here is the video of what’s his name. Being sad. Or something. I dunno.

*yawn*

Oh is it over?

I’ll leave all of you with this… a picture of the future Mrs. Me and what would only become the second love of my life… her car….

Heres hopin I never hear…. “Who Could Do Better?”

Until next time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Tested….

“Give all of us gathered here tonight the strength to remember that life is so very fragile.
We are all vulnerable and we will all, at some point in our lives, fall.

We will all fall.

We must carry this in our hearts that what we have is special. That it can be taken from us. And that when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls.

We will now all be tested.

It is these times. It is this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves.”

-Coach Eric Taylor

S.A.W…

It’s October 31st folks, and where I come from that makes this Slut Appreciation Weekend, in more common terms, Halloween. 

It’s the only time of the year where any girl can dress like a complete whore and it’s is totally socially acceptable. Not only is it acceptable, it’s encouraged. I for one love this idea. I for one am all in favor of this idea. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if this happened maybe once or twice more a year.  I mean what actually happens in the month of May? Nothing. 

August? Even More nothing. 

So number one, I propose S.A.W be held at least twice more during the year. 

And number two, I propose Halloween ACTUALLY be renamed as Slut Appreciation Weekend. I feel as if this will clear up a number of issues of Halloween. 

Lastly, I would like to take a moment to honor someone who paved the way for S.A.W. to become what it has today. A true visionary, a pioneer of S.A.W. Someone who shaped the future and gave hope to women of the future… Ladies and Gentelman… I give you … 

Kelly Taylor!

 

Kelly set a precedent for all future Halloweens. Guys, I do believe we owe Kelly Taylor a huge debt of gratitude. For she has shaped a future like this….. 

This is a future, I want to be a part of. 

 

Thank you Kelly Taylor… Thank you. 

Happy S.A.W. Everyone.

Until Next time…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Mourning…

It’s true, I’m in mourning. My Red Sox had a valiant comeback from 3 games to 1 to force a game 7 at Tropicana Field. In which they lost.

The big story however is game 5.

I’ve mentioned before that I coach a high school soccer team and that commitment is pretty important to me. I attend all the games and assist the head coach in just about everything. In fact at one point, while our head coach was serving a suspension, I was the interim head coach for a game. We tied. But that’s not important.

That night however, I had a gigantic conflict as the Red Sox, in an elimination game were on tv. Now, mind you, I don’t leave the Sox for just about anything. Almost nothing in fact. Last year, while the Sox were in the World Series, I sat at home while all my friends were out galavanting around in slutty halloween costumes. And for those that know me, missing out on Slut Appreciation Weekend (read: Halloween) is not something I take lightly. Nor is drinking. But however the Sox were on. And I did not leave my couch.

I knew however that I was going to have to leave for my game that night. A decision I did not take lightly. I’m pretty superstitious and knowing that I would be away from my spot while supporting the Sox did not sit well with me.

At the time I left for my game, the Sox were down 5-0. I had to leave. I didn’t want to. But had too. The Sox needed me. I was letting them down, and if they lost, it was all my fault. At the game while warming up my goalkeeper, someone shouted from the side, Coach… Sox down 7-0 in the seventh.

Crushed.

My attention was turned to the game at hand. A must win for my team to have any shot at playoffs. With my rising blood pressure from the Sox, and the fact that we held a narrow, 1-0 lead in the socer game, my heart was taking a beating.

We held on to the lead, and finished with a 1-0 win, and a mighty brighter hope for playoffs. Something that hasn’t been done with our school since 95 I believe. It was a big win. It basically cancelled out the thoughts and feelings I had about the Sox losing. Until I returned home. I had realized that although we had gotten our win, the Red Sox, who I’ve been supporting since I was 8 years old, had lost.

I went to my room to check out my emails, facebook, myspace, and my phone. Upon checking my phone the strangest thing happened. I had 7 new text messages, 5 missed phone calls, and 3 new voice mails. Contrary to popular belief I DO NOT get this many messages, phone call, or voice mails in an entire week, let alone a two hour time span.

I began to read some of the text..

That Papelbon guy is good. Weird why would Paps be in. losing 7-0 why would they have a closer in. odd.
Still breathing. Yeah, why wouldn’t I be… 7-0, no one comes back from 7-0 in the 7th inning.
Well hot damn. Hot damn, what… we were down 7-0 in the 7th inning.
You best be watching!! Well I would like, to, but I’m not sure what you’re all excited about.. it’s 7-0 in the 7th inning.

So at this point, I decided to check ESPN.com… and there it was… the Sox had pulled off the most incredible, improbable comeback of the ALCS history. The Sox had come back from 7-0 in the 7th inning to win the game!

I was in shock, the next couple minutes of my life I actually don’t remember. I tried texting my friends, back but I’m pretty sure it was incoherent nonsense. They came back. They won. They were destined for #3. Of course, we all know what happened. And if you don’t well shame on you. Sox took game 6 and pushed a game 7 which they gallantly lost.

At least now I can go out for Slut Appreciation Weekend. Bonus.

I’ve been in mourning for the last couple of days. It stings, and it hurts. We got beat by a great team. They were good. They ARE good. In fact I think the Rays are so good, that not only will they win the WS, but the Sox got the best scouting report on their 2010 roster.

My life is returning to normal. In fact, in other news, I’ve taken a job working at a large warehouse chain made popular by the movie Employee of the Month. I worked there a long time ago right after high school. So almost ten years ago did I work there. Which turns out was to my benefit because a lot of the same people are STILL there. Amazing. I had to take a drug test so pending the drug test, I’ll be going to orientation on Thursday. Should be interesting.

Orientation, should be interesting. Not the drug test.

For those of you without DirecTV, I have to say you’re missing one of the greatest season of Friday Night Lights. This show is AMAZING. I wish I could give you all sorts of insight, and we could talk about it. Hell, no one I know has DirecTV so I can’t talk about the show without giving things away. It bothers me a lot, because there is a lot I need to discuss with my friends.

Like Lyla Garrity…

photo from Men's Health Magazine

Sidebar: I’d like it to be known, that Minka Kelly has been knocked out of my top 5 list of hot girls. You see, while she is incredibly hot, Minka has been involved in activities that have lowered her status. Her dropping out of the list reasons are three fold…
#1. She Dated John Mayer.
#2. She’s Dating Derek Jeter.
#3. She was at a University of Texas football game.
(she was actually at the game WITH Derek Jeter… two things that are at the top of my HATE list at the SAME TIME. MINKA WHY?!?!? WHY?!?!)

or is it just me, or is coaches daughter getting a bit hotter?

Getty Images

Last but not least, what guy wouldn’t want to be Tim Riggins?!?! Captain of the SS Ta Ta’s.
(aside from sleeping with your best friends girlfriend, couple days after he was paralyzed… whatever.)

All these burning questions and topics I need to discuss with people.

Speaking of good tv, is anyone else watching Entourage??? It’s been awesome… all I have to say is Ari Gold is back. He’s already had some amazing lines that I’m pretty sure you can find at one of my favorite blog sites… Ari Gold quotes.. check it out. Hilarious.

Oh and How I Met Your Mother has also been great this season. The last episode was hilarious. Watch it here and enjoy….. Shelter Island

The Seattle Mariner comment was HILARIOUS.

Anway, enough from me… if you want to know, or discuss more TV here is what’s on my DVR…
The Hills
How I Met Your Mother
Big Bang Theory
Heroes
Chuck
Friday Night Lights
The Office
Grey’s Anatomy
Entourage

Speaking of Tv, this is one of the best text messages that brightened my week….
I get sick of MTV’s Parental Control and then they throw some lesbians in there and suck me back in.

these are my friends.

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

until next time.

No Good Title…

Let me preface this blog by letting you know, I’m not the happiest camper in the world. Yes, I know that’s been the general theme of my latest blogs, but now, I have reason.

At least for tonight. As of this writing I just watched the Boston Red Sox play like utter rubbish. It’s a well known fact that I’m a huge fan of the Sox, and as of the last two games, they’ve really left me upset. But I don’t think many people come her for my in depth thoughts on sports. This isn’t necessarily a sports blog, so I try to limit that stuff for special occasions. But in all honesty, if you want my thoughts on the last two Sox games in the ALCS email me. I’ll go off.

Today however as I was away from my computer for most of the day watching the Sox, I come back and have received an IM from JDub.

http://daisyoflovecasting.com/

So I obviously click the link to find out what my friend has in store for me.

Upon arrival, I, like you may have, notice that this is a site dedicated to the application proccess of getting on Daisy from Rock of Love 2’s new spinoff show. I can’t tell you how excited I am to apply.

I have decided that obtaining a job and trying to pay my bills is horseshit. I shall no longer be streessed out about it. I shall, however, apply to be on Daisy’s Rock of Love spinoff. Everyone knows how I was such a fan of Daisy during the entire last season.

In fact, I think I may have referred to her as half retarded in one of my previous blogs. By the way after watching Tropic Thunder I’ve found that I can make fun of people who are half retarded. It’s only when I make fun of people that are fully retarded that I get in real trouble. Thanks Tropic Thunder.

Anyway, back to my new quest of being on Daisy’s new show. I don’t see as how this could possibly be a bad thing. I mean, I’m somewhat good looking. I don’t have any tattoos, nor do I dress in Ed Hardy and wear makeup, but maybe this is what Daisy could be looking for. Last couple of guys we have seen her with have been all decked out and Rockstarish.

The closest I have ever come to being rockstarish was the last time I was in Las Vegas, trying to convience my friends I should get a new tattoo. And by new, I mean my first one. However my friends seeing how drunk I was, decided that was probably not a good idea, and now probably stand in the way of me hooking up with Daisy. This depresses me.

I mean I think I’d be good for Daisy. We’d look like a modern day Barbie and Ken. That is, if Barbie got all strung out and started effing random band members. And it would also pertain if I had a hot pink Corvette and no private parts, yet still wore skin colored underpants.

Last time I checked some douche posing in front of a Rolls Royce Phantom that he walked by while taking a site seeing tour in LA was in the lead position to be cast on Daisy of Love. He’s only got six thousand votes. I’m pretty sure I could take him. Plus if I make it on the show, I could put that on my resume.

Daisy of Love Cast Member
Responsible for staying continually drunk. 
Attempted make out with said Daisy. 
Semi-finalist. 

I’m not sure what new job that could land me, aside from a future in porn, or extensive and thorough knowledge of STDs and gynecology.

So I haven’t applied yet, but if I can wrangle up a couple more than six thousand votes, it’s something I might highly consider.

That’s all for now…

email at,
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

90210, College Football, and Something For the Employed….

Well, first things first.

This is for my friends at work. I know sometimes your days get boring, but what better way to brighten your day than to play some rock bandish games.

Rock Band
Get to Rockin my friends!

As many of you may know, college football has started this past weekend. I for one, LOVE college football. My general fall schedule consists of having soccer practice every Saturday morning at 8 am. From there I usually head home and find a comfortable spot on the couch. Then I turn on college football for the next 8-10 hours.

Generally I get up for bathroom breaks and food. People call and text to do stuff during college football. If they’re lucky I answer the phone. I will respond to a lot of texts cause that’s my thing. Sometimes even updating my friends on the shitty team they have. i.e University of Washington this past weekend.

With that being said, here is my unofficial College Football Poll.
#1
After watching their game this weekend I’m convinced they are completely legit. Yowzers that defense is fast.
#2
They play in a “pretty tough” conference. So that says something. If they win out, they’ll be in the National Championship game. Plus they got a new UGA.
#3
Ever since Tim Tebow was on Two-A-Days on MTV I knew he was destined to do great things. Plus you can’t underestimate a Heisman winning quarterback that spends his Spring Break in the Philippines instead of Cancun.
#4
In case you haven’t heard, Chase Daniels is kinda good.
#5
Here’s the thing. I had to pick a team that many people aren’t. Think about this. BYU plays in probably one of the weakest leagues in the nation. Max Hall dropped almost 500 yards on N. Iowa this past weekend and if they win out, that’s undefeated and a garunteed top 5 finish. Which may send you to a bowl game to face the likes of Georgia which may turn out ok…. Ask Hawaii.

With all this being said, University of Oregon is my team of all teams. I root for them over all other teams. Go Ducks. And Jake Locker should stick to baseball.

So I’m pretty sure this may be what some people are waiting for…..

I finally caught the new 90210….

AND OH LORD I LOVE IT!!!!!

First things first… HOW EFFING HOT ARE THE NEW GIRLS! I mean seriously. Back in the day, I loved me some West Beverly drama, but there was only one girl that stood out. And that my friends was obviously Kelly Taylor. So my first job is to pick my favorite girl. I started out with thinking that I was going to fall for Naomi. I first saw Naomi when she was on Nip/Tuck playing Eden. If anyone wants to do some YouTube”ing” and look up Eden on Nip/Tuck you’ll know why.

However, I’m really kinda digging Annie. I’m not sure what it is. But for the first two episodes, Annie is my leader for hot girl of the show.

Speaking of hot, I couldn’t help but find Erin Silver kinda hot. Which actually left me with a little icky feeling. You see, for some rookies to 90210, Erin Silver came as a result of David Silver’s dad Kelly Taylor’s mom doing the nasty in Mr. Silvers dentist chair. Oh wait, that was a dental assistant. So I was around when little Erin Silver was born. I was around when little Erin Silver was used as the excuse for Kelly to stay home for the summer. I was around when little Erin Silver was the excuse for Dylan McKay to hang out with Kelly Taylor while Brenda was off galavanting around Europe.

Basically I’ve seen Erin Silver grow up… and OH MY has she grown up! Icky feeling again…

I like the story line of the new family coming from Kansas with the adopted black son. I mean heaven forbid we actually have an African American family living in Beverly Hills. Of course we all know that African Americans do not attend West Beverly high, unless their dad’s a janitor at WBHS and they’re on academic scholarship and Brandon accuses said African American student of only being there to play basketball. (Which reminds us people that stereotyping is bad. Which reminds me, I do miss the social messages that the old 90210 used to give us.) No, people, African American students go to Crenshaw and only appear at WBHS when they’re trying to squash a race beef and get the big game going on Friday.

I’m not going to lie. The new 90210 was a bit over the top. But I kinda enjoyed it. The bj in the parking lot was pretty much awesome. But I have to ask myself, who are these girls, and where were they when I went to high school.

I enjoyed seeing Kelly Taylor back on 90210. Not going to lie, she looks good. In fact one of my favorite parts was in the office and having her say “yowzers.” I don’t know about you, but I could hear Ms. Taylor say that ALL DAY! Yowzers!

I didn’t like the introduction of Lacrosse to WBHS. As long time fans of 90210 will all know sports are ONLY to be used for these few cases….
#1. The students are all building a parade float. Only to have it be burned down.
#2. WBHS has some “big game” coming up. (usually to be followed by racial tension or floats burning down.)
#3. The track team decides to do Steriods.
#4. One of the track guys decides to be gay.

This friends is what sports are for on 90210. Please stick to the above guidelines for future episodes.

Overall, I feel as if the new 90210 can carry on. I enjoyed it greatly. It’s now set on my TiVo and I’ll be eager to watch it every week. For those of you with any feedback, please hit me up…

sarcasmasaweapon@gmail.com

Until next time.