Reality Roundup 3/31

Well boys and girls here comes another installment of Reality Round-Up… where I basically give you MY opinion on MY favorite reality shows.

With that being said, I’m still digging American Idol. Only because my 3 favorites are still around. Brooke, David, and Syesha. There we go… that sums up that show.

On to my favorite of all time. Rock of Love. This week Bret decides to take all the lovely (not a word I’d use) ladies to Las Vegas for a weekend of fun and debauchery! Heather is still around and she decides to play Puppet Master with these highly intelligent bachelorettes. Which pretty much means she can bend them to her will, cause, for the most part they believe every word that comes out of Heaters mouth, and she can kick all their asses. At once.

So she targets both Destiny and Ambre (ps this is probably the most effed up thing about Ambre… it’s the way her name is being spelled. Ambre? WTF kinda crap is that? Every time I see her name splashed across the screen, I feel like I’m watching the episode of 90120 where the girls have the sleep over and the mean bitch gives Aundrea shit for saying her name AWE-NDREA….instead of AN-DREA. It’s all a little pretentious. And yes, I learned about the word pretentious from Beverly Hills 90210.) She essentially gets them to turn on our beloved special needs child, Daisy.

Meanwhile back at the golf range, Jessica attempts to win Brets heart by making out with him after every shot. Here’s the rub. The girl played golf in high school (not shocking cause all the innocent girls I knew did too) and she turned out being really good at golf… what sucks was the whole point of golf is to get the lowest number of shots. Which in turns mean making out the fewest amount of time possible. Which also lead to Destiny lifting her skirt in the air, and showing Bret her ass…. very much like a dog in heat. Coincidence i think not.

After the golf date the girls return home to Daisy and AHMBRE who are excited for their steak dinner with Bret Michaels. Nothing says American more than steak ladies and gentlemen. Whilst there Bret attempts to have a heart to heart with Daisy but realizes that talking to her is getting him nowhere. So he takes out his key and jingles them around, getting quite the reaction from Daisy. Ooooooh Shiny. (So what if this scene didn’t actually happen on the show. It happened on my couch during the commercials.) AHMBRE now decides her new found hatred for the “Special One” shall now come to light. AHMBRE attacks Daisy left and right attempting to make her look bad. Which is something that is

awfully

hard to do when Daisy’s main argument is this…. It’s a losing battle AHMBRE.

Long story short, the girls (aside from Jessica) all lay into Daisy about her living situation and her ex Charles. She gets upsets, starts stuttering like she’s got turrets, all in all bad night for Daisy. Bret has to leave, giving the sole responsibility to Big John to take care of the ladies. Score.

The next day Bret meets with Jess and Daisy. He give Jessica the kiss of death by saying “she’s not Jaded,” which she’s not. If she had really wanted to prove that she wasn’t innocent she would have oiled herself up and done him in the bowling alley. Nothing says I’m not innocent like screwing in a bowling alley. Which is funny cause that is synonymous with being white trash.

Daisy’s meeting didn’t go quite as planned. As it turns out, Daisy had a previous encounter than none other than CC Deville! CC DEVILLE????? That’s right Bret’s former Band mate from Poison had been hanging out with Daisy. Of course Bret asked Daisy if they had shared a physical relationship to which she replied no.

Which actually got me to thinking. Is Bret REALLY that concerned with a girl that may or may not have had sex with a band mate? I mean, is he more upset that they may have had sex seperately? Cuase I’m almost positive that Bret and CC probably “shared” a woman or two back in the 80’s. Think about it people it was the 80’s, they were a hair band, cocaine was in supply, they had to have done it at least once. Right? I mean why else would you be in a band?

Anyway, the kiss of death proved fatal to our sweet little Jessica and Bret eliminated her at the end. Which, I’ll take this time to publicly say, my friend Blondie was right. I missed out on Brets overwhelming desire to have crazy bitches with huge breast hanging around, and predicted Heathers hatred for Daisy would get her ass sent home. Alas, not having sex on a golf course/bowling alley is actually your downfall.

Pour one out for our sweet Jessica.

I’ll keep this one short, because lets be honest… the two episodes of The Hills tonight sucked. Like really bad sucked. Nothing happen. I feel as if a lot of it is building for some other life altering events, but as for these two episodes. Lame. So here’s the rundown.
Lauren goes to school. (ps was it just me or did LC look way hot in the secretary/librarian glasses?)
Spencer still a douche.
Spencer’s sister, goes to school with Lauren… budding freindship that can only result in drama.
The big news, i think is Whitney moved on from Teen Vogue on to some other fashion thingy. I’m pretty sure our friend Whitney is going to fail at this job, becuase she’s so nice and her boss is pretty blunt and seems tough. To characteristics that I think may trouble the heroin.

Which, leads me to this, and it will be my last for this reality roundup. Is it just me, or are the ladies of fashion really weathered looking? I mean I understand that their jobs create a lot of stress, and anxiety, but seriously. Those two ladies looked mean, and tough, and not very nice. But kudos to them for climbing the corporate ladder!

Reality Round-Up 3/25

It’s Tuesday morning and I’ve decided that I’d do a little round-up/summary of this weekends Reality shows that I watch. (Not including American Idol, cause I haven’t watched that show in a week or two… Ps, as long as David Archuleta, Syesha Mercado, and Brooke White all stick around I’ll still have some sort of vested interest.)

So Sunday night I continued my Love Affair with Rock of Love. Last week was especially hard for me, seeing as how Kristy Jo was booted off. Well…. not booted off, she chose to go. It was pretty heart breaking for me and for Bret. Not only did he lose the love of his life, but I lost my office pool. And by office pool I mean me and my dog Bobbie, who’s half retarded, so I’m not sure her bet counts. Bret was SO heartbroken he didn’t even stay to have a beer. WTF??? No beer? There is no way Bret didn’t stay and have a beer. What is this world coming to? It must really be true that Bret loves the Crazies. Cuase I mean Kristy Jo, was “TBIC” crazy.

On to this weeks episode in which Bret brings the ladies ex boyfriends (and one “best friend”) to the mansion to meet up and get some dirt. In addition, in brings in former cast member Heather to get the dish on the ladies! And holy hell, does she ever. First, however, Bret attempts to make nice with the boys. Which by all intense purposes was a shitty 15 minutes of my life. All of them were pretty much there to be pretty on TV. Except Adam, Ambers best friend. Genuine guy who deep down is secretly in love with Amber, but doesn’t have the eyeliner/bandana power to ask her out. Anyway, the guys basically play nice, when they had every oppotunity to stab each girl in the back. Kudos to you gentlemen. (I use that term VERY loosely)

Back to Heather at the homestead and the big revelations of the night….
#1. Megan was formally on a reality show Beauty and the Geek. (I may or may not have already known this the second I saw her. Which translates into me watching Beauty and the Geek.)
#2. Destiny is a groupie. Really??? Shocker!
#3. Little Jessica can’t hold her liquor. Gets REALLY wasted tackles girls, Bret, the fake marble statues, and Big John. Oh some mention of her being really innocent.
(Line of the night did come when Bret got back and Jessica was tossed… “It’s ok, I remember my Freshman year too.” HOLY HELL did I start busting up. Do you? Do you REALLY remember your freshman year Bret Michaels?
#4. Amber’s a nice girl. And BOOOOOOORING. Good gosh, cause some controversy for the love of Bret.
#5. The shocker of the night, Daisy still LIVES with her gorgeous/pretty/beautiful ex boyfriend. Seriously when Bret, Daisy, and Charles were all on screen I swear to god it was an advertisement for MAC cosmetics, Vidal Sasoon Hair Products, Claire’s Accesories, and Trojan Condoms.

oh and Ed Hardy. WTF?

This all comes out, and it’s time for Bret to make a decision. And it basically comes down to the fact the Bret’s afraid that poor hot little Playboy Bunny Megan is only in it to advance her career. Damn you ex boyfriend! DAMN YOU!!!!!!
So we’re left with Destiny, Amber, Daisy, and Innocent “Can’t Hold My Liquor” Jessica. I’m still thinking Daisy can pull out the win (another pun intended) but watching previews of next week have me questioning that outcome. Which is totally awesome for me, because if Daisy leaves, then I feel as if none of the other girls are fit for Bret which means they wont last, which ultimately means, Rock of Love 3! BOO YAH!

I’m not going to lie to you all. Last night a show came back that I’ve been secretly waiting for.

The Hills.

Thats right I’m a closet (not anymore) Hills fan. I’m not sure what it is about the show, but I just love it. It’s a guilty pleasure and I couldn’t wait for it to get back on air. (ps I find it odd that a “reality” show started new episodes “after” the writers strike, but whatev.)

So we join our friends Lauren and Whitney in Paris for Teen Vogues Ball. Blah blah blah… boring boring boring…. Lauren runs into some douche French dudes, which isn’t a stereotype it’s just the truth. Lauren ruins a dress convienently gets a brand new one from a store whos named gets splashed across the bottom, ball goes off without a hitch, Lauren gets a motorcycle ride from Douchey Frenchman #1 all is good. Oh but Brody has a gf back at home. Took him two days… well no shit, he’s rich. And He lives in LA. Rich and LA are two qualifications for most whores. I’m sure this drama will continue well into the season. Yay!

The train-wreck of the whole show was indeed King of All Douchebags Spencer and Heidi. We left them as Heidi had taken off to go home leaving the smartest guy alive home in LA. Flash forward to this season, and Douchebag with no upper lip, cannot get a hold of the love of his life. She wont return his calls, he’s left her so many messages that her mailbox is full, and she’s in Colorado. So what does he decide to do? GO TO COLORADO??? WTF??? Who does this? You’re a fucking idiot along with being a douchebag. Not only that but once he arrives in town Heidi’s parents don’t want him around! Like at all! They want him gone. And so does Heidi. It was a train-wreck.

My favorite part had to have been when Heidi toasted her family, and not Spencer, right in front of him. Take the hint dumbass! take the hint! GO THE FUCK HOME! I have no idea how someone in this world can be that stupid, ignorant, and dumb all together. It literally boggles my mind. What a effing douchenozzle. So that’s that, I’m looking forward to an excellent season of The Hills, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I will however leave you with this parting piece. For those of you who don’t read Perez Hilton I just want to share this little picture he created that sums up my feelings for the worst Subject of a Man in the world…..

The only thing missing from the Hills last night was Audrina. Which makes me sad.

Gym Rat, March Madness, Job Hunting…

So as it turns out, I’ve officially gone one full week with going to the gym. It’s pretty crazy I know. I never really thought I’d have it in me to do so, but low and behold I’m knocking out mile after mile. I surprise even myself sometimes.

Friday morning I found myself waking up just a little bit early to make sure I made it to the gym and downtown to watch some March Madness with my friends. First game on tap is Gonzaga, and of course I have them to win. Ever since I was back in college and the girl I was dating at the time was good friends with some of the players, I have been a fan. Of course it didn’t hurt that that was the first year they went really far in the tournament. The team of Matt Santangelo, Casey Calvary, etc etc…

Anyway, so I proceed to the gym knowing full well, that if I get my workout done I’ll be home by halftime, shower, then on the Buffalo Wild Wings. So I find a treadmill crank it up, and look above to find a television with the game on it. When low and behold I get nothing!!! Stupid Obama was in town talking about something and they didn’t have the game on! WTF??? Who does that? What political leader in their right mind would pre-empt March Madness? I mean, he filled out a bracket. Wasn’t he concerned of the outcome? Did this not affect the outcome of his office pool? Seriously. Frustrating.

Obama finished his speech and the game returned, and all was well with the world. Aside from the shooting pains in my calf muscle. I finished up my work out, got all dolled up, and went down to BW3. My timing in my head must have been off, because I ended up listening to Gonzaga lose at the buzzer on my car radio. How dissapointed was I. Not only did I miss the game, I had to listen to them lose and crush my bracket just a little bit more. Which ultimately brings me to my next point.

I hate March Madness.

Well I don’t hate it. I mean I do, I just, wish it didn’t leave me feeling so empty. I’m reminded of Matt Damon’s character Mike in Rounders. You know the scene in the beginning where Mike knows he’s won, he’s a sure bet, and Teddy KGB sucker punches him in the gut with pocket Aces?? That’s pretty much how I feel by Sunday afternoon. Sucker punched in the gut, cause I know some friend of mine’s girlfriend is the one cleaning up our Bracket competition. All because she thought “Davidson Red looks good on me.” Son of a bitch.

I’d go more into depth on the whole bracket situation, but I’m pretty much done. At this point my saving grace is UCLA, North Carolina, and Memphis. But with my luck, they’ll all lose. Needless to say I won’t be that interested in the “Madness” until the championship game.

I’ve still got a lot of time on my hands, becuase I’m still looking for a job. And you know what else I hate…. pretty sure you all saw it coming, that’s right looking for a job. I seriously hate it. It’s good to know that I’m trying to find a job during a period of really shitty economy. That’s awesome.

Seriously though. I think one of the things I hate the most is a cover letter. What is the REAL point of a cover letter. I mean I get it’s purpose, to lobby for a job, to make yourself look better. But in all reality it’s just 3 more paragraphs that are more than likely going to expose you for the faker you really are. Cause in all honestly how many of us bend what our “experience” is to “job requirements?” I know I do. And I guess I have to really. Telling people in the real world exactly what I did isn’t easy with a little one page resume. And trust me when I say having Music Director on your resume doesn’t actually lend itself to to many opportunities. So with that, I decided to write a cover letter informing potential employers just how freakin awesome I am. More than likely, this will not work.

Big news though. Red Sox (and all of baseball) opening day is Tuesday morning at 3 am. Diasuke Matsusaka starts things off against Rich Harden of the Oakland A’s. I’m really kind of nervous though this year. I know we have a great group of really talented players, but I’m pretty sure the kiss of death came when I logged onto ESPN.com this morning. There it was on the front page no less. Baseball experts have picked the Sox as the “favorite” to win this year.

Ugh.

If you’re a real Sox fan you’ll already know that this can’t really bode well for our team. We’ve seen stuff like this before. We’ve never wanted to be the favorite. We like surprising people with our hard work and heart (04). We like overcoming odds, we like fighting and clawing our way back for the win (07). Most of all We Sox always, ALWAYS, have trepidation in our heart, because we know in a single fleeting second we can see it all crumble before our eyes. I spent all of last year keeping my mouth shut when we were 14 games ahead in the AL east. I kept my mouth shut when we were down 3-1 in the ALCS. I kept my faith at an all time high at every one of those pivotal points and I was rewarded. Now, I feel as if the black curse of death has been placed on my beloved Sox. Apox on you ESPN! APOX ON YOU!!!!!!!

But, wether or not the Sox are in first or in last, I will always be a proud member of Red Sox Nation. Go Sox!

Lastly, in keeping with my love affair of movies, I got some really great ones from Netflix this week. Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men, Cashback, and some others. I just want so say that No Country, and Michael Clayton were as good as the nominations that followed. They were awesome. No Country was an amazing thriller with unforgetable characters provided by the Coen Brothers who are fantastic! Michael Clayton had a stellar cast that brought this intense drama to life. I highly reccomend both movies! Cashback… eh. It was alright.

Shenanigans, The Gym, And How I Met Your Mother…..

So as it turns out, it was a pretty eventful weekend. Of course as a lot of you know it was St. Patrick’s Day weekend. With that being said, Stuff White People Like posted that white people love St. Patrick’s Day. And I totally have to agree. I love it. I mean it’s one big meld of drinking, celebrating, being drunk, and meeting chicks.

Plus I think white people dancing is not only encouraged but actually judged a competition by some.

The day started off by meeting up with JDub and heading a mutual friend that owns a really nice loft downtown. Upon arriving I took a very deep breath braced myself and went in.

You see the majority of JDub’s friends are her sorority sisters and friends she went to college with. Neither of which I participated in. So, I’m not going to lie, but sometimes it’s hard to be included in some conversations. I met them all last year during SPD so that feeling has changed a bit, but after holding secret meetings and sharing boyfriends, the inside jokes are pretty regular.

We ventured inside and said hello to everyone. I like JDub’s friends and they in turn like me. So the conversation was flowing as was my Pepsi bottle filled with Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel Whiskey. (I spent 70 dollars on a bottle of Single Barrel JD in Las Vegas and didn’t finish it. So with the help of Southwest Airlines, I poured it into a pepsi bottle and checked it in my luggage! Boo Yah. Take that 70 bucks!)

After a couple hours, and 3/4 of the Jack gone, we decided to walk 10 blocks to our “Saint Patrick’s Day Headquarters.” This is pretty much where the night gets a tad fuzzy. I think the Jack kicked in. Some quick stories to be told… I’ve discovered a new Syndrome. We’re calling it the Brett Micahels Syndrome. It’s basically where, you meet a girl and she may not be the attractive, but compared to her surroundings she’s the “hottest” girl around. So the Brett Michaels Syndrome (BMS) took effect around 930 or so. I was already good and drunk when I was approached by a girl who question my Red Sox loyalty. Which automatically puts me on the defensive and has me saying things like…. “Hell Yeah I’m real Red Sox fan, Whore!”

not one of my classier moments.

Conversation with the girl continued. She left for a moment when JDub was there to question my vision/judgement/sanity. I told her,
“listen, she may not be the hottest girl I’ve ever met, but I DARE you to find a hotter girl within 35 feet.” to which JDub replied with a judging look and an eye roll. I then responded with “35 FEET!” Turned and walked away. And thus the BMS was created. Feel free to steal it, just make sure you use proper annotation when doing so.

SPD ended in relatively tame fashion with a stop at our local Taco Bell. Which was awesome becuase I could have really used some soft tacos….and guess what? I got em! *fist pump* While in the drive thru however, I noticed that the car in front of us was indeed a Buick Regal. To which, in my current state, my mind told me it HAD to be my grandma. So with the intelligence of a grasshopper I decided to yell at my grandma.
“Hey! Grandma! What’d you get?”
“Grandma, Grandma. Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“Grandma, I’m getting the Soft taco meal, wanna come over?”
“Hey, Grandma, why do you have such nice rims on your Buick?”
It was with this last question that things began to sink in. Why did grandma have rims on her buick? Where was I at? Was that indeed my grandma?
The answer to these questions are, No, that wasn’t my grandma. And No I shouldn’t have been yelling at the nice man in the Buick. And Yes, I wasn’t in the nicest part of town. Go me.

I awoke Sunday morning free of a hang over, becuase I believe Jack Daniels and my body have an unspoken pact with the devil. As long as I keep not having hangovers I’ll keep buying it. And as long as I keep buying it, I’ll keep drinking it, allowing me to do stupid things, therefore sending me straight to hell.

So that was that.

I decided that with my time off I’m going to start going to the gym. I mean why not. There is no reason I shouldn’t have chiseled rock hard abs whilst unemployed right?

So I thought to myself, what would be the appropriate time to go? 8 am? Too early. 12 pm? All the business tools will be there. No thanks. 5,6,7 pm? That’s dinner time… no way. So i settled on 10:30 am. Which actually turned into 11 am because I had to make a stop at iTunes, and load up on my Power Workout songs.

11 am also seemed to be the perfect time, because I figured really hot soccer moms, college girls who don’t have class yet, and strippers would be working out. That’s right strippers! Girls gotta work out at some point.

I arrived at my gym all geared up in my Nike gear ready to get a little run in. iPod in hand I settled on a treadmill between an older lady and some Asian guy running.

Speaking of the older lady, my theory about the hot moms, college girls, and strippers was WAYYYY off. Not one hot girl in the entire building (minus the trainers but they don’t count) I’m hoping when I go back on Wednesday there will be at least one stripper. Aren’t Wednesday like an off day for strip clubs?

So there I am, Older Lady is walking at a brisk pace and Asian guy as a decent amount of momentum in his run. I start up the treadmill and off I go. Music blaring in my ears, and Flavor of Love is on one of the televisions. This is great!

All my life I’ve had flat arches. It’s a curse. Back in the day I wouldn’t have been selected in the Army. Now they don’t care. That’s besides the point. The point is, now, when I throw on a pair of running shoes, 99% of the time they have really great arch support.

About 3/4 of mile into my run, i can feel shooting pains in the arch of my right foot. Which at first I play off. I keep telling myself, run through the pain, you’re doing great. And then I have the worst realization ever. Because I got on the treadmill after Old Lady and Asian guy, I can’t get off BEFORE them. Holy hell what am I going to do. So I press on. And the pain grows with every stride I make. I start to get angry thoughts in my head about the two people running next to me.

“Old Lady, you’re fucking walking! go fucking walk somewhere else! Like a park, or a garage sale, or a nursing home! AHHHH shooting pain.”
“Asian dude, why are you running?? You weigh like 95 pounds, and I’m pretty sure you’re deceptively quick. For the love of god, please stop running!! AHHH more pain.”

About 5 minutes later, (actually it was 3 min and 42 seconds later. Thank you elapsed time on my treadmill) Old Lady felt my negative vibes (or piercing hate stares) and decided she was done. THANK GOD! Now all I needed was Asian Guy. To which he bowed out of the race 6 minutes and 23 seconds (again thank you elapsed time) after Old Lady!

SUCCESS! Not only had I outlasted both my worthy adversaries, but I actually didn’t noticed that the shooting pain in my arches had gone. I guess that’s what happens when you get a runners high a mile and a half into your 2 mile run, or a hot girl with a decent ass starts doing the eliptical right in front of you. Either way.

So self high five, I’m trying to work out.

I other news, TV seems to be returning to normal. How I Met Your Mother Returns, The Bachelor (which I hate, I just write about the whores) The Big Bang Theory are all returning. Some semblance of my former life is returning.

El Presidente

So a long time ago back when I had a “PC” my brothers and I stumbled upon a game entitled Tropico and the basic premise of the game was to rule your island as a Dictator.

You could do all sorts of things, set up trade routes with other countries, make your island a tropical paradise worth vacationing at, or an industrial powerhouse that exports a valuable commodity. One of the coolest things whilst running for another election you could do a myriad of things. Rig the election, run it clean and fair, or my favorite, off the competition. That’s right, you could have your people murder the competition in some back alley. It was pretty effing sweet!

So it had hit me the other day, while watching Obama attack Hillary.

“Holy crap, I’m going to run for President!”

I mean it’s perfect. I don’t currently have a job, this will be great! I mean how hard can running for president be?? The way I see it, every single person running for president is basically just a really really damn good car salesman. (or woman.)

I mean think about it people. Every single person running for president baiscally tells you what you want to hear like you’re buying a used car.

“ummmm hey I’d really like it if I could get my car shipped from overseas?”
no.1 “Of course we can do that. We should have had a shipment of cars here months ago, I don’t even know why the cars are over there. We’ll get it right away.
no.2 “What? Why would you need a car from overseas? You don’t, those cars that are overseas, well they’re getting better equipped and such. Making sure the safety standards are set and such. Wouldn’t want you to get a car that isn’t safe right? Let’s get you into a car here.

“I’m really concerned about the environment, is this car good for it?”
no.1 “yes this car is great for the environment. It’s a hybrid, gets great gas milage and will protect and help in the world becoming more green!”
no.2 “I mean yeah, this car is great for the environment. It runs on gas, which we buy, which helps our economy. It also has a sunroof. That way you can see the sun and such.

“does it come with a first aid kit?”
no.1 “as of right now, no it does not come with a first aid kit, but we are doing everything we can to make sure all our models are outfitted with first aid kits for everyone.
no.2 “well right now, first aid kits are an option. The cheapest option on first aid kits gets you the bare essentials, while the more expensive option you get, gives you more aid thingys. Would you like me to put you down for the best option?

“Does the car have a comprehensive manual from which I can learn things?
no.1 “as a matter of fact, no, I believe the manual isn’t satisfactory. I’m positive that we are trying to put more money into the manuals so that you will be able to learn more about your car.
no.2 “why yes, the car’s manual is fine. Plus if we put more money into making larger manuals, the overall price of the car would go up. This manual will be just fine for you, you’ll learn just enough.

So, there you go.

I totally think I could do this. I mean, I might need to brush up a little on the ACTUAL issues affecting this country, but I’m pretty sure I could tell people what they want to hear, just enough for them to say, eh sure, I’ll vote for him. I mean that’s all I’m really looking for. To sway the undecided votes in this country. I’m not going to break down the diehard Reps. or Dems. It’s just not happening. Unless my stunning good looks does it. Which I’m also counting on for a percentage of the votes. Stunning good looks. Seriously. I’ll take 2% of my votes for that reason alone. 2% isn’t that much to ask.

All of this isn’t really as important as actually putting your balls on the table and voting for whoever you want to vote for. If you’re like me, and you don’t consume your life with politics and are still undecided here is a great website for you to view and make you more informed.

www.glassbooth.org

I went. I’ve been a couple times actually, and low and behold my candidate changed. Make sure you go and check it out.

while you’re checking that out, make sure to check out this as well….
Rock The Vote

Whatever you do this November please make sure to vote. It’s simple. It’s easy.

ps. If I ever do get elected, you better believe everyone’s calling me El Presidente, and if an opponent was to show up missing…. what can I say, I’ve got good friends who do bad things.

Money To Spend

Check it out everyone, I have approximately $45 on my iTunes account and I’m having problems on what to buy.

So that is where you guys come in. I need your help in finding some “new” music for my iTunes library. And by new i mean anything new to my library. It could be an old song, it could be freakishly new, but as long as I don’t have it in my library, (or on cd) than we are golden.

I like all types of music. Sometimes I may even like a genre more depending on the mood I’m in. So go ahead, throw down some suggestions. I’m open to all suggestions. Who knows I may end up buying your favorite song!

So, thank all for the help. It’ll be $45 well spent.

ps, as just an idea of what I buy, here’s a list of my last 5 iTunes purchases.

Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
California – Phantom Planet
Want You Back – Jackson 5
Daughter – Loudoun Wainwright III
Still Can’t Fade It – Warren G

My Love Affair With Rock of Love

As some of you know, I love Rock of Love. I’ve been loving Rock of Love season 2 immensely. Last weeks episode of the USO show for the Veterans. That was awesome.

Raise your hand if you thought one of those old guys was going to faint during the Inna and Destiny strip show???

*raises hand*

Seriously though, what a way to go. Sitting peacefully in your chair, all adorned with honorable medals, when a Ukrainian man stripper, and her midget look a like sidekick walk out on stage, and BAM you didn’t realize it, but it’s actually a live version of the Crying Game. With huge Ukrainian…… “parts.”

That’s all besides the point. Turns out my friend and yours Daisy is Oscar De La Hoya’s niece/sister/love child/favorite stripper.

This explains EVERYTHING!I mean I was wondering why the hell she talked so funny and so slow. For a minute, I actually thought they were making reality shows be Equal Opportunity Employers compliant. I mean, her thought process and her speech patterns raised a lot of questions. She couldn’t be that drunk ALL the time. Could she? And with this small revelation it all became just a little more clear.

Oscar, used Daisy as a sparring parter! It’s the only explanation. I mean it’s probably not the first or last time that Daisy is going to see a one-two combination to the head! And I wouldn’t doubt it at all if the Golden Boy himself helped her trained to go at least 5 rounds? Come to think of it he probably got his lighting quick reflexes by countless hours of speed bag training.

Oh who am I kidding.

Everyone knows the Golden Boy is gay.

Take a look at this email exchange.

To: VH1RockofLoveProducersFrom:
OscarDeLaHoya.com

Dear Producers,

I had heard that a second Season of Rock of Love was to be cast. I am a very famous person wondering if Mr. Michaels would indeed be open to some new possibilities? I’m brunette 5’10 and 154 pounds. Have lots of stamina, energy, and have been told I’m a real knockout.I have enclosed a picture.

Hope to hear from you soon!
The Golden Boy 😉

To: OscarDeLaHoya.com
From:VH1RockofLoveProducers

Golden Boy,

Ummm. Thanks. I’m not sure how to say this delicately. While you definitely fit the what Mr. Michaels is looking for in the looks category, we think you have one too many features that may turn Mr. Michaels off. You must remember this isn’t the 80’s anymore and he’s no longer on a 3 day coke binge. (Although based on some decisions, you wouldn’t know that.) Anyway, thanks for your inquiry.

You wouldn’t by chance happen to have a stripper hot niece would you?

Thank You.
The Producers at Vh1’s Rock of Love.

Ps, after seeing the above pictures of Diasy, (which you can see more at TheSuperficial.com)I’m totally changing my vote to her winning. I mean, maybe it’s just me but her holding that bottle of Jack and lines of coke between her legs…. Who would pick anyone else. Now excuse me whilst continue my love affair with Jack Daniel’s, Coke, and Whorish Strippers.

Sometimes I Don’t Follow The Cool Kids

Sometimes I don’t follow the cool kids. I’ll not jump on the bandwagon of things that are cool and hip.

For example, I just started watching Arrested Development. Like not catching the new season or what not, actually watching the first season on DVD last night. I liked it so much I finished the whole first season the last night. It was fantastically sarcastic, witty, and funny. Jason Bateman stars and dammit he’s just funny. One of my favorite rolls that he’s done was the sports anchor in Dodgeball…. Effin A, Cotton. Effin A. Hilarity.

Oh, heres one of my favorite lines from Arrested Development.
Mom: “Well, I’m going to the Hospital Bar.”
Jason: “Mom, hospitals don’t have bars.”
Mom: “no wonder people hate hospitals.”

I don’t know why. I just thought it was hilarious.

Anyway. Not catching the bus the first time I think can be a good thing. Gives me time to evaluate my priorities. Like hookah. Unless you’re 18 and about ready to go out cosmic bowling. you probably shouldn’t be smoking hookah. Seriously. It’s flavored tobacco. Cool i get that. Tastes good. I get that. What I don’t get is this…

If you’re a guy in your mid to late 20’s would you ever consider smoking blackberry, raspberry, or peach cigarettes? No, you say?? Would people make fun of you and call you “gay” for smoking fruity cigarettes? Ya think? Maybe? I mean you’re are essentially smoking flavored cigarettes. (Minus the nicotine and all it’s harmful truth commercials.) Might want to look into that a bit. I’m just sayin. Plus it’s something cool hip and trendy from another country so of course white people can latch on to it. Might as well be featured on stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

So this all brings me to my point. Recently I decided to follow all the cool kids and go see Cloverfield the day after it came out. I’m not going to lie, I was taken in by viral marketing, and the intenseness of the creepy preview. And of course one of my good friends gave a glowing review.

KHam “It’s really good!!”
Me: “Really!?”
KHam “Yeah, it’s really good.”
Me: “What’s good about it?”
KHam: “It’s just good.”
Me: “well damn, I can’t argue with that. Sign me up!”

So I went to see Cloverfield.

See I don’t feel I’ve ever been able to talk about Cloverfield because I blogged on MySpace, and Cloverfield did extensive marketing on MySpace, and I just didn’t want to feel Toms rath but…………

It sucked! Like it was terrible. Like really bad. I got sucked in. All the people in the world who loved it I actually question if we’d seen the same movie. I kept going to movie reviews all over the net…
“it’s great” (it wasn’t)
“A scary thrill ride” (it’s not)
“you’ll be on the edge of your seat.” (you won’t)

I couldn’t believe my eyes. What had this world come to??
You may even be reading this and saying, gee, I really liked it. Why did you hate it so much.

Well obviously not real person asking me a fake question on my blog, here are some of the reasons (actually all of them) why I hated Cloverfield.
(THERE WILL BE SPOILERS HERE. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT ALREADY (BLESS YOU) AND YOU DO WANT TO SEE IT (PLEASE DON’T) THEN DO NOT READ AHEAD. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.)

#1. Could they have gotten more generic people to be the characters. It’s like they picked them up off the street… Ok you with your old navy sport coat and unkempt hair, you’re in. Um you pretty girl… yeah you’re in. You… yeah awkward looking social outcast… totally IN! oooh and you, with your trendy t-shirt, and unkepmt beard and hair, you’re older brother. And you, yeah you black girl, you’re totally in. They were boring, lame cookie cutter characters.

#2 Speaking of the black girl, did anyone else notice that in the melting pot of the WORLD, there were two black people. Two. One main character, and the dude from the military. Two. In New York. You may as well have been tearing down Salt Lake City with those staggering diversity numbers.

#3 Let me get this straight. Monster invades. Blows out windows with his footsteps (important for another point later on.) Everyone is running away. On a bridge. Big brother gets crushed by gigantic tail. Back to the city. Main character gets the muther effing urge to save a girl he’s slept with once, and was probably sleeping with another dude????? SERIOUSLY. The were upset for like 2 mins after big bro gets its, then lover-boy is going after some slut, that was going to sleep with someone else. No way. No way in hell. I mean imagine he gets back to her apartment (another point) and there they are in all their naked glory just after doing it smoking cigarettes. I guess this is the movies, so it wouldn’t happen. But in real life, (and by real life I mean mine) that’s what would happen to me.

4. The big scary scene in the movie is when our handsome group travel to the subway tunnels to get from place to place. People would ask me, didn’t you find that scene scary? No, and here is why. Who the fuck seriously things the subway tunnels of New York city are safe?? Who?? NO ONE. So of course something was going to get them in there. of course.

5. When they went back to find the main characters whore, they come across her apartment building that is LEANING against another building. LEEEEAAANING!! Leaning on another building. If there is anything we know in this world, it’s that building aren’t really that sturdy. But alas, that is the only way they could get to lover-boy’s whore. (Which again was another epically stupid bit of filmmaking.)

6. Towards the end of the movie, most of the characters are dead. Three remain, they’ve made it till morning. We all assume them to be safe. And that is how we get the footage that was shot. Then out of no where the monster (that previously made your seat rumble with bass every step, and blew out the storefront windows) SNUCK UP on our wary travelers. How in the name of all that is good and holy, did the monster sneak up on the characters? Theres no way! NO EFFING WAY! God this part was stupid.

7. Last but not least, as I’ve previously mentioned in other posts, I worked at a Best Buy. In digital cameras/camcorders to be exact. Not one camera in the entire building has more than a 3 hour battery. I mean yes, you can buy a battery, but judging by the cookie cutter characters, those douchebags came into the Best Buy and said,

DB: “I want the best digital camcorder and a bag.”
Sales associate: “Would you like a battery? Or our Service plan?”
DB: “How long can I get with the battery it comes with?”
Sales associate: “About three hours. Assuming you don’t use night vision.”
DB: “naw, I’ll be good.” (with a douchebag smirk insinuating he was shooting porn, which in fact he was not.)

Plus not only would the battery not survive. The camera itself woudn’t have survived a bridge collapsing on it.

The film style didn’t bother me. You know the Blair Witch style of filming. I was ok with that. However. I was not ok with the above list.

Next time, maybe I’ll listen to my instincts and skip out on what all the cool kids are doing. Which reminds, me. I need to shave and get a hair cut. Oh, and stop by Old Navy, there is a sale on blazers.

Ps if you want to be one of the cool kids, Cloverfield is coming out on DVD pretty soon. Make sure you’re first in line.