A Sports Rant, and The Hills

I’ve been watching a lot of sports lately. Mostly a lot of soccer. I happen to love soccer. I’m a huge fan of Manchester United. There are a lot of people in the world that would call me a bandwagon fan, and while I can’t entirely deny that, I have a legitimate reason.

Back in the day before the widespread satellite phenomenon even extended cable didn’t offer that much soccer on TV. I’d been rasied playing soccer and it’s one of those things that, while I may not be the best at, I can definitely hold my own. So when European soccer was on TV most the time it was Liverpool or Manchester United. So I grew up watching Man U. And have to say, I totally fell in love with the club and it’s players. Namely one Eric Cantona. A French asshole (yeah that was a fan.) with a penchant for socring goals… along with coaches wives, which is how he ended up at Man U. Anyway, the point of this is, Man U’s season is coming to an end with a run at not only the English title, but the European title… I’m excited.

Strangely I’ve also been watching a lot of NBA basketball. Which really has surprised me. I’m not a fan of the NBA. I grew up being a fan of Michael Jordan and him leaving the NBA left something to be desired in watching a random game. Jordan is no longer around, and neither are my Chicago Bulls, so I’ve been rooting for Cleveland (with the second coming of Michael Jordan, in Lebron James) and of course the Boston Celtics.

Here begins my sports rant….
#1. Arena musical selections should really be carefully monitored. Whilst watching a Cleveland game, during one of their timeouts, I couldn’t help but over hear Sweet Caroline being played. WTF???? Sweet Caroline. The same song that is played at EVERY Boston Red Sox home game? Pull your head out Cleveland. But I mean I guess it’s to be expected, their fans aren’t very sports literate anyway. Their the same fans that thought towels were going to get them through the ALCS last year. PS… hey cleveland…. real stadiums have their own traditions. Real fans don’t need gimmicks. Of course I can’t fault you completely. You are the city that had their heart ripped out by Art Model. I apologize for that, but start building your fan IQ.

#1b Dear Salt Lake City,
Hi! We love that you are in the Playoffs this year. Seems like you guys do that a lot. Congrats to you guys. We’d like to bring a little something to your attention, and it has to do with your musical selection in the arena. We couldn’t help but notice that during a time out you were playing 2 Legit 2 Quit by MC Hammer. Really? Now we understand that 95% of your population is white and is in fact Mormon, and we also know that by those two facts alone, MC Hammer is probably one of the top sellers in the “rap” genre down there. But I have to say people, after doing a little research you would have though you guys could have just followed a strict musical selection of Jock Jams. Just put the CD in and press play during time outs. There are 5 discs so I’m pretty sure that should last you the playoffs.

It should also be noted in the the almost 10 years of Jock Jams, not once is 2 Legit 2 Quit on one of those albums. Something Salt Lake should probably be notified of.

#2.
Speaking of fan IQ… what the hell is Washington Wizards fans’ deal??? They have got to be some of the worst fans in the ENTIRE world. Slinging around a towel cause it was free, I can forgive that. Wearing all white to the arena cause it looks cool on TV, I can forgive that. What I cannot, and WILL not forgive is the intolerable chants of OV-ER-RAT-ED when LEBRON JAMES is shooting free throws. Seriously, who in their right fucking mind thinks Lebron James is overrated? Oh that’s right Washington Wizards Gaurd DeShawn Stevenson said this in an interview…

When he was leaving the building, Mike Lee was chatting him up and mentioned LeBron again. DeShawn has obviously heard enough of that.

“He’s overrated,” DeShawn told Mike. “And you can say I said that.”

You’ve got some balls Stevenson. Some huge balls…. but in reality, that’s about all you’ve got. I mean lets take a comparison…
LEBRON JAMES 4 Years Pro
points per game 27.3
rebounds per game 6.9
assists per game 6.6

DeShawn Stevenson 7 years pro
points per game 8.7
rebounds per game 2.4
assists per game 1.9

YOWZERS! I didn’t realize they gave NBA Contracts for Sucking. (I’m not claiming I can play any better, but I’m not calling out a future Hall of Famer. That of course is no knock to you DeShawn.)

oh by the way…. DeShawn…. I’m not sure if you know this, but Lebron has 34, 22, 30, and 32 points in the 4 games of the playoffs. I wouldn’t be looking for that defensive player of the year award anytime soon.

Anyway… on to some other things…. Like the Hills.

I’m really beginning to hate this show. I’m not going to lie. I wish they would move the point of focus off of Lauren, for in fact her life, is not only boring, but repetitive.

Like I know this show is targeted at younger females, but is this really what they like? A stupid girl who a.) won’t let go of a grudge b.) reverts to the same mistakes over and over c.) is completely spoiled outta her mind and doesn’t have to do a thing in life?

A. Lauren if you’ve got a sex tape…. let the world see it. And by the world I mean me. I can do a little photoshop editing and take good ole J-Wahls face outta there and insert anyone you’d like. (namely me.) If your supposed best friend is the one who released the tape, don’t be pissed at her…. stop making porn at her house. It’s just a common courtesy. I mean, my friends all know if they have sex at my house, not only will my mom be pissed, but I’ll be filming the shit to make the next set of car payments. This would also work out a lot better if any of my friends were famous.

B. Lauren, move on with your life. For reals. find some new blood in that pathetic little circle of friends you have. There are millions of people in LA. More than likely there are lots of dudes who would be willing to take a shot with you. Shit, my friend Mr. Royal lives in LA. I could set you guys up. He’s a cool dude. Please for the love of god stop recycling the dudes in your life. I don’t want to see Brody, (ps his girl is all sorts of smokin hot… and don’t think the world didn’t notice you look her up and down and judge. And yes… she’s prettier than you.) I don’t want to see Jason, and I sure as fuck don’t want to see Stephen. If I wanted to see Stephen again, I’d pop in my dvd’s of Laguna Beach. Of course then i’d be forced to watch Kristen Cavallari…. meow.

C.) I hate how spoiled you are LC. At some point I wish you would fall in love with some transient on the street, get married and have mommy and daddy disown you so you could enter the real world. I only say this because I am jealous of your house. It is very nice. Wonder what the monthly payments on that bitch are…

With all this said and done, it’s nice to see Justin Bobby looking normal. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sure the ladies love this “cat” looking clean cut. And now that he’s not looking/talking like a transient on a 4 day binger, I’m not sure I’ve got anything to make fun of him for.

Killer Boots Man!

For those of you missing some good ole fashion reality shows, here are some other shows you may want to catch….

Hells Kitchen
Deadliest Catch
The Alaska Experiment
American Idol (I know I know.)

enjoy your week…

Harry Potter’s A Little Bitch, and Another F.U. From Nature…

First this is just a little short post. These two stories for some reason caught my attention.

The first is a little story about Danile Radcliffe, (AKA Harry Potter)

SYDNEY (Reuters) – Daniel Radcliffe, the actor behind the boy wizard Harry Potter, is hunting for a mystery Australian girl who cast a spell on him at a film awards party, local media reported on Monday.

Radcliffe, who started playing Potter in the popular Harry Potter movies when he was 11, has often spoken about not being able to find a girlfriend.

But Sydney’s Daily Telegraph Newspaper said Radcliffe, 18, now wanted help to track down a woman he met briefly at a film event in Australia.

“She stared at me all night and I was going to get her number and then I couldn’t find her,” Radcliffe told the newspaper.

“I must have walked around that party for an hour trying to look for this girl, like some sad pathetic dweeb, but it would have been worth it.”

The Daily Telegraph has started its own search for the mystery beauty, asking the young woman to contact the newspaper.

Reuters/Nielsen

Seriously?? WTF? Harry Potter can’t get his own women?? So he’s asking the world to put in a good word? YOU GO TO HELL HARRY POTTER! Seriously. How fair is that, that you get to ask the world to give you the introduction to some woman you didn’t have the balls to talk to in the first place? And why the hell didn’t you just go talk to her? I mean, it’s not like you can’t name drop….

Harry “Hello there.”
Sweet Hot Young Lady “hi.”
Harry “How are you?”
SHYL “I’m doing good. You?”
Harry “Im doing really good. I was curious why this is taking so long for us not to be doing it already?”
SHYL “I’m not sure I understand?”
Harry “You don’t know who I am?”
SHYL “Sorry, No.”
Harry “I’m Harry Potter?”
SHYL “I’m sorry who?”
Harry “You know, Harry Potter… there are books about me. Millions of adults and kids know me. There are video games, bedsheets, gifts sets, a vibrating magic broom for heavens sake. I have my own action figure!”
SHYL “still, I’m very sorry.”
Harry “Son of a bitch…… ABRACADABRA!”
SHYL “Holy Shit you’re Harry Potter! Let’s do it”

I’m a little pissed off that Harry gets to use the media outlets to find some hot girl he bitched out on saying hi to in the first place. I mean if it were any real guy he’d watch the young lady walk out of his life, then have to resort to MySpace stalking. Once he found her, he’d have to find some sort of way to send her a message without sounding/coming off stalkerish. Which you can’t, there is no way in hell to avoid that scenario, so basically you have to lie awake at night wonder what she’s doing, where she is, who she’s with… all the while being alone.

Apox on you Harry Potter and your Sorcerous ways!

If any of you have been reading along these days, you’ll remember a little piece I wrote about how mother nature is one cranky bitch. You can read about it here (Nature 2 Hippies 0). In fact if you want this to make any sense, you’ll probably have to. Well you don’t have to. I mean, I hope you could basically pick up on the title of the blog here with the article I’m about to copy…

How sad.

Stephan Miller, a 39 year old animal trainer from Big Bear Lake, CA, was attacked by a grizzly bear on Tuesday at the Predators in Action wild animal training center.

Two other handlers were working with the 5 year-old bear, named Rocky, when it attacked. The other two were able to pepper spray and subdue Rocky.

Luckily, there were no other injuries.

You’ve probably seen Rocky before. It’s the same grizzly bear featured in Will Ferrell’s film Semi-Pro, in which Ferrell appears to wrestle with the bear.

What could have gone so wrong???

Officials arrived to investigate the incident and Fish and Game spokesman, Harry Morse, said yesterday that his department would not decide whether Rocky would be euthanized since the attack occurred outside its jurisdiction.

It may be up to the San Bernandino county animal care officials to decide Rocky’s fate.

Poor thing. He didn’t asked to be locked up and trained like pet. He’s a wild animal, after all. You can’t really ever predict what they’re going to go.

Just ask Siegfried and Roy!

Eerily enough, Randy Miller, the owner of the training location and cousin of the attacked trainer, was quoted in the local newspaper in February as saying Rocky is “the best working bear in the business.” But continued by stating, “If one of these animals gets a hold of your throat, you’re finished.”

What will happen to poor Rocky???
(article from PerezHilton.com)

I wish more people in this world would listen to me. People, bears are wild animals. Wild animals live in nature. Nature is one cranky bitch. Seriously. Test her see what happens. And, if what happens, is what I told you happens, don’t think I won’t be posting Mother Natures scoreboard up! She’s currently undefeated and it doesn’t look like anyone is going to be bringing her down. Unless Father Time gets his act in gear, but he’s a dude, so we all know we’ve got PLENTY of time left.

Reality Round Up 4/21

Hey everyone…

I’m going to be honest with you all…. this reality round up pains me to write. And, really, I don’t know if I’ll be writing another one. Unless I find another reality show that’s super trashy with one of my all time hero’s from the 80’s. And looking into the future, Indiana Jones, Marty McFly, Ralph Machio, Charles (In Charge), or Optimus Prime aren’t getting their own reality show any time soon. Which breaks my heart.

Bret Michaels gave us one of, if not THE, best reality show anti-hero of all time. My hat is off to you Bret. I really do admire you, in fact the thought had crossed my mind to grow my hair out long and luxurious, snatch a bandana from Wal-Mart, wrangle up 20 stippers/sluts/whores/groupies/news anchors and have them compete for my affections just for the sake of honoring you. And ONLY for the sake of honoring you, Bret.

The Rock of Love tour 2 has come to an end and I gotta say… what a shitty reunion show. I’m not even kidding. I thought for sure there would be more hashing of un-aired drama. More cat fights. More stripper maneuvers. More drinking, throwing up, and all around debauchery. I mean for fuck sake The Bachelor Reunion show has more drama. From what I’ve heard.

I’m not sure about any of you, but the part with Destiny really bothered me for some reason. I mean… I just don’t know what to say. I’m pretty cold hearted, and I don’t like people, but I have a huge soft spot in my heart for certain situations, and Destiny’s situation was definitely one. Poor girl had her dad die couple weeks before the reunion taping. Brought tears to poor Destiny’s eye, and had our Hero come to the rescue and console her. My heart goes out to her… that would suck relieving a moment he cherished on live tv.

All were not safe, as Bret brought up the front runner in my office pool. Kristy Jo. All I can say, is that Bret loves them crazies. And Kristy Jo takes the cake for that… TBIC. (That Bitch Is Crazy) Turns out her and her husband have reconciled and are now living happily ever after. No Fucking way! Just goes to show you will the wonders of a reality show never cease? I can only hope. Thank you Rock of Love season two for re-igniting these two crazy (literally) love birds almost failed marriage.

Last but gloriously not least is my favorite coke sniffing whore Daisy. Oh how I love you Daisy. Two things I’d like to bring up about my semi-retarded, mime in a box, fake breasted Daisy….
#1. Was it just me, or did it look like Daisy had some work done… in the face.
I came to the conclusion that she indeed did have work done. I also came to another conclusion that all the girls looked a little bit better at the reunion show. And this doesn’t make me gay, but it makes me look gay. The reason for the sudden turn-around in the appearance of the women… professional make up artists! All the girls had been doing there own makeup in the house and for the show, they have wonderful make up artists, to make them look “softer.”
#2. Was it also just me, or did Daisy sound articulate for once?
Seriously. Like very little hand motions. Full sentences. What in the hell is going on here? Where’ my girl… wheres my “Fricken” awesome down syndrome stripper? I was disappointed.

But the highlight of the show…. that’s right, Heather winning a gold medal in Weave Pulling. I mean for REAL! Did you see that shit! It was amazing. It was like Heather was a former hockey player (got the frame for it) and she pulled Daisy’s shirt over her head so she couldn’t fight back, then went to town wailing on her poor little head! Man! Craziness. I was kinda hoping for some blood, or at least a stray weave… but of course all I got was a broken bracelet from Rikki Rathman… who by the way… what the hell have YOU been doing? I mean Holy Headbangers ball Batman….

All in all, AHMBRE and our hero Bret are still together making sweet monkey sex. Which goes to show you ladies, if a man asked you to make sweet monkey sex you A.) Do it. B.) keep that man, for he is a keeper!

Sidebar: One time back in middle school we were all treated to the annual field trip of going to the zoo. (if you can already see where this is going, your powers of deduction are to great for you to be wasting them here! You must go! GO for the good of the city.*) During our trip to the zoo it was not only a great way of missing school, but the perfect opportunity to show that special young lady, just how much you care by purchasing her a Churro and a Soda and attempting to get to 1st base in the Atrium. Neither of these actually happened for me cause my mom was always too stubborn to give me any money to spend at the zoo. I did however have the sack lunch while other kids got to buy Penguin Pizza slices, Bear Burgers, and Fox Fries. But I digress, while walking through the monkey exhibit holding hands with my current hottie o’ the week, there they were…. in all thier amorous glory. Doing it. The monkeys felt it the perfect time to not only let us into thier wild kingdom, but help explain mammals having sex. Complete with visual aids. Needles to say, I did not get to first, or any base for that matter. But I can indeed tell you, when Bret asked AHMBRE for Monkey Sex, not only did i flinch and cringe, but I thought fondly of Michelle.

Sorry for the sidebar.

I know in my last two Reality Round Ups I’ve failed to mention American Idol, and I feel like a 14 year old girl, but watching two weeks ago (or so) David Cook did a version of Always Be My Baby, a cover of Mariah Carey, that literally gave me goosebumps… holy shit it was good. He completely transformed a girly pop anthem, into something dark and brooding that you could hear on alternative rock stations across the country… it was that good! Seriously. You can check it out at iTunes. It’s worth it.

David Cook, stepped forward to be my favorite.
David Archuletta, Brooke White, and Syesha Mercado are still sticking around…

Well here is the end of Reality Round up 4/21…. I’d write about the Hills, but seriously. This season really really fucking sucks.

But for those “fans” here are some highlights.

LC and Heidi can’t be friends.
I like that LO is back in the picture. She seems like a fun girl.
Spencer is still a complete douche. It also irritates me knowing that they’re making television appearances together. Search Regis and Kelly. OH, But here is something. If ANYONE can find Heidi Rapping on TRL, I’ll pay them 10 bucks… seriously. That was the most god awful display of a rich white bitch from beverly hills attempting to rap. God she sounded just like the way my grandma would rap… I’m not kidding.
Did anyone see that Justin Bobby came back? Ya did? Cool. Did you also notice when he made his appearance, he look like Don Quixote? Do a Google image search on that one…
I hope at some point those bitches aren’t famous. NO free handout jobs, no sweet ass house that no one I know at that age can really afford. I’m probably just a bit bitter.

whatever.

Reality Round up this week. Point. Less!

* Deduction portion of the blog is brought to you by the Comic Book Store Guy from the Simpsons. One of my all time favorite characters.

Letters To The Gym

Morning all. I’m writing this so very a little hungover, so if it turns out not funny well then you can suck it!

Dear Lady,
It came to our attention that whilst running yesterday you happened to grunt loudly. At first we thought you were laughing while watching the View. Then we thought about the actual probability of that and realized that could not be possible. So based on our powers of deduction, you grunted through your entire work out. Which by our calculations (and sneaking a peak at your treadmill) lasted 3.2 miles and 25 minutes. Please try to a.) stop your grunting. b.) at least mute your grunting, because even PUSHING the headphones into our EARDRUMS did not cause the sounds to go away.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Nordstrom Shopper,
I couldn’t help but notice you’ve purchased a brand new peach Velour tracksuit. I know you told yourself that you wanted to get to the gym more. And I know while you were out shopping with a couple of your cougar friends that they all told you how cute that would look on you while you were working out, but I’ve gotta say, you’re no Jenny from the Block. And peach really isn’t your color. I do however applaud you for taking the time to pick out the perfect outfit, curl your hair, and put on a dash of makeup in hopes of catching the eye of your young trainer. Do work mam. Do work.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Sir,
Good day sir. We couldn’t help but notice that your cologne is actually choking the people running next to you. We here at the gym had no idea you were wanting to make such an impression. We also couldn’t help but noticing (after wiping away tears from our eyes cause your cologne was burning them) that your usual walking partner, your wife, is not with you today. This struck us as odd, but we then realized the reason for the cologne. We also couldn’t help but notice you were reading a gun magazine.

Pages and pages of guns.

Please disregard the aforementioned paragraph. We are giving you a free memebership and will do what we can to make you as happy as possible.

Thank you for your patronage.

Dear Zombie Walker,
We here at the Gym love a good Zombie movie! It looks as if you may have had a bit part in one of those Zombie movies. That’s great! What’s not so great is that you can’t pick your feet up when walking on the treadmill. We’re not sure if you’re a method actor, or training for a new part. What we are sure of is the fact that your shoes squeak with EVERY STEP! PICK UP YOUR GODDAMN FEET YOU’RE WALKING!

Our apologies. Sometimes our customer services isn’t what it used to be.

Thank you for your patronage.

Dear Texter,
Greetings valued member of our gym. We would first like to say it is a pleasure to have you paying your dues. We love it. In fact it’s so awesome that you pay your dues every month like you pay your cell phone bill every month. Heaven forbid you not bring your cell phone to work out. I mean, who cares that people are waiting for treadmills, and you keep stopping your “work out” to text people. Who cares that you told Sandy last week that she should have gone to the doctor for her “thing.” Who cares, that people are STILL waiting for the F’ing treadmill! Good lord, you’re not even hot, who could be calling you.

Again, the gym would like to apologize for that last comment. (although it’s true) We apologize, and would like to thank you for paying your membership fees.

Thank you for your patronage.

Enjoy the weekend everyone.

Reality Round Up 4/14

I’m not going to lie.

I’ve been genuinely excited to write this particular blog. For you see, it was the final episode of Rock of Love season 2. Down to our very fine finalists, the tawdry twosome, the dirty duo, lady and the tramp…. Daisy and AHHHMBRE.

The episode starts out with Bret taking the fine ladies to the wonderful beaches of Cancun Mexico. Which I’m 100% postitive that wasn’t his idea, it was the shows producers to get a little sun and some sweet mentions on TV about a hotel they now don’t have to pay for. I’m sure Bret would have been just as happy taking those girls down to the local 7-11 and making the final cut over his shoulder, as he pours himself a slurpee! Then again, that would probably be some sort of sweet product placement deal that our man Bret just would have missed the boat on.

So once in Cancun the ladies get to talking and they basically have an epiphany that one of them is going to win. So obviously the claws come out and they begin to tear each other down. Which if you think about it, isn’t really a fair fight. And I actually took some offense to it. There is no way that this was a fair fight. I mean how are you going to lose an argument against someone with Down Syndrome. Honestly, poor little Daisy had no way to defend herself. Which basically just made this entire paragraph, Point. Less. (I just actually chuckled at that. I re-watched it in my head, and it’s still funny two days later.)

Here are some of my favorite highlights from the two fights that Daisy and AHHHMBRE have…

#1. From AHHMBRE to Daisy. “Surgery can make me hotter, Surgery can’t make Daisy smarter.”

#2. Did anyone else notice in the fight that AHHMBRE was about to say, “I’ve always tried to be amicable with you.” But mid-way through the word amicable she realized Daisy wouldn’t have the foggiest fuckin idea what the word Amicable means? I thought it was awesome… came off something like this..
“Daisy I’ve always tried to be ami…. I’ve always tried to be cool with you.” Classic. I loved every second of that.

#3. Now this part I’m a little lost on, because of my lack of knowledge, I am just curious as to why strippers always get upset when people call the strippers??? Heather did it last season, but I think she was more upset at the fact the everyone kept focusing on it. (Probably cause it shocked them that someone that old was still stripping. I mean, I thought once strippers had thier college education paid for they quit.) But Daisy gets all defensive in her battles with AHHMBRE when not only does Daisy point it out…. “you called me a stripper,” AHHMBRE reinforcese this factual statement… “it’s your occupation.” HOW DARE SHE!!! Call my little coke whore a stripper? She my friends is an exotic dancer. You know how I know, She dances to You Shook Me All Night Long, by AC/DC and they’re Australian.

Anyway, Bret and AHHMBRE have a fantastic date. Of course the date, made it a point to showcase all that the hotel has to offer, and being the consumer whore that I am, I must admit it looked pretty tempting to book a vacation and stay at that hotel (great success VH1. Great Success). Although I was waiting for Bret to take Daisy swimming with the dolphins and low and behold we find out she can actually speak to dolphins. Wouldn’t that mess with peoples heads?

So Bret and AHMBRE have a private dinner after AHMBRE finishes fighting with a slow kid in their hotel room. Which brings me to one of, if not THE, funniest moment of the entire season. In which AHHMBRE reveals to our hero Bret that she is indeed wearing no underwear. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen on TV. It was as if AHMBRE had snuck in some Kryptonite and BAM! Superman is powerless. I even think I saw Bret’s hand shake while holding a glass. As if he KNEW he had been bested. Her powers of Kryptonite were no match to his great resolve. Superman, my friends, had been killed.
(Ps how awesome was it that they chose America The Beautiful to play as the background music upon the revelation of AHMBRE going commando!)

So day two brings us to Diasy’s date with a much less powerful Superman. He had been exposed to a great deal of Kryptonite and I was unsure if Bret was going to be able to continue. Sure enough, he proved his mettle sacked up and continued his luxurious all expenses trip to Cancun mexico, wait, I mean the final date with Daisy. He decided to take our girl on a huge yacht and go deep sea fishing.

All my life, all I’ve ever really wanted was a huge Marlin with a huge sailfin, arched across my wall in all it’s stunning dead glory. This folks is not a joke. So needless to say I was a bit jealous with the thought of Daisy going deep sea fishing with Bret Michaels. It didn’t really matter because our heroine got sea sick and they had to pull into port. (sexual innuendo intended.) What I found amazing about the date was the “conversation” between Bret and Daisy on the boat. I can’t even remember what they were talking about, but I do remember it made Ms. South Carolina look like a Rhodes Scholar. Literally.

Bret has a very meaningful dinner with Daisy in which she baiscally shoves AHMBRE under the bus, and we get more awesome interview with Daisy herself. Which brings me to this point. Does Daisy know sign language? Is she a professional mime? Am I missing something with the hands waving all the time? Is she secretly giving sings to the runner on second? I don’t get it. Half the time I don’t know what the fuck is going on, cuase I’m so intrigued by Daisy’s flamboyant gestures. Maybe it’s something she learned from her stripping mentor. You know just a regular old school stripper, who back in the day totally believed that Jazz Hands raked in the money, and enabled patrons of the strip club believe you were a classically trained dancer…. that has to be it… Jazz Hands compliment every speaking engagement.

So, it’s down to elimination time. I could not be more proud of the producers at VH1. If anyone one of you have seen Team America, then you know exactly where I’m going……

WE’RE GONNA NEED A MONTAGE!!!!

no montage is complete without a DVD/CD offering/walk on the beach at sunset. By the way, make sure to pick up Bret’s new solo album.

So here we have it, in the end, Bret picks AHMBRE complete with pretentious spelling of her name and all. Which in the end, I’m not going to lie, made me happy. It was a great way for the show to go out, plus had he picked Daisy, she wouldn’t have cried, hugged him and left HUGE mascara stains all over his Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto suit. (headband not included.) Although it did leave her, and I quote, “heartbroken as fuck.”
(p.s., by quoting other peoples usage of the word fuck, it does not count towards my general usage of the word, therefore allowing me to use it previously/later in the blog with out penalty.)

So there you have it folks, the end is here. We’ve all finsihed our tour on the Rock of Love 2. Hopefully we will all have our lives return to some normalcy when the reunion show airs this Sunday night on VH1. You can bet I’ll be there with my popcorn in hand watching Heather beat the living daylights out of a coke sniffing stripper with down syndrome.

Hey, I wonder if this is how Heather solved all of her money disputes with other strippers…..

I will however, leave you with this one thought, that, for someone who appreciates fashions has had me in a bit of a twist for a couple of days….. is turquoise making a comeback, and no one told me???

Since this was such a huge blog, I’m going to keep the Hills recap pretty short. Nothing really gigantic happened in this episode, aside from Spencer being a douchebag and started hitting on girls at a bar that Heidi was at? What the fuck (dammit, my bad) is that all about. I mean if you’re going to go out and name drop yourself at least do it at a bar where she wont see you. This guy knows NOTHING about how to cheat on women behind their back, even when you’re on a break. He should take some lessons from Ross Gellar, he knew what to do.

Speaking of being on a break, what is this relationship vacation that Hiedi and Spencer speak of. How does one obtain a “relationship vacation?” I mean, is it in relation to how many days you put into the relationship? Like you put in a year get 10 working days off? Can I carry over some sick time if I have used all my Relationship Vacation time? If I don’t use my relationship vacation time in one year, does that vacation time parlay into another year? I just want to know my options for the next time I’m in a relationship. That way, I’ll be up to date on how much vacation time I get, which basically in turn lets me know how many girls I can sleep with until my vacation is over…. which, ultimately, is exactly what Spencer is thinking. (not that I didn’t either. I’m just saying. Relationship Vacation sound like a surprisingly attractive deal. Which I’m trying to wrap my head around, because based on the conversation it was Heidi’s idea.) Great, now my head hurts from trying to wrap my head around Heidi having a “good” idea.

Fuck.

My love affair with Rock of Love, is over. My tour ends here.

Nature 2. Hippies 0.

I am a very proud member of Netflix. I absolutely love this service. It’s basically Hollywood Video or Blockbuster on the internet. I honestly believe that everyone should take part in Netflix. It’s so freakin simple to get the movies you want to see without having to deal with a membership card, or late fees, or the pre-teen customer service one has come to find at such video stores.

These past couple of weeks I rented two similar movies that really got me to thinking. I rented Grizzly Man and Into the Wild. Grizzly Man was a documentary about a man who spent 13 summer with the Grizzly bears in Kodiak Alaska, while Into the Wild was a movie about a young man who gave up all his material possessions to live in Alaska. Both are true stories.

Here is where I have my problems. I hate hippies. That’s right you heard me. I hate hippies.

Sometimes I think hippies ideals are valid. That they may have some really good ideas. Then I realize after watching the movies that I did, that hippies are stupid. Like literally stupid. Here’s where I make my point.
(Caution Spoilers to both movies coming up.)

In both cases of these movies the people died! And I’m not talking some nice peaceful death, I’m talking gruesome Mother Nature giving you the bird death. The first hippie Timothy Treadwell who spent 13 summers with the grizzlies often thought “The bears are my friends, I have respect for the bears, so they won’t hurt me.” Well Tim, guess what, Mother Nature said Fuck you, and some grizzly bear gnawed off your face. Literally. So much for being in love with nature, idiot.
(ps the whole documentary is video from him filming himself. However, the bear attack came so quick, he couldn’t get the lens cap off. Sound was rolling.)

The second guy, died because he too put his faith in mother nature and though he could live off the earth. Which, kudos to you man, he pulled off for 9 weeks. Then bam! Put too much faith in a book about plants and ate one, and again mother nature said AH Fuck you! Dude dies of starvation. Which goes to show you hippies, don’t put too much faith in books. They’ll kill you.

I applaud people for having beliefs and loving Mother Nature. But I wish hippies would key into one factor, nature is a woman people. That’s right Mother Nature. And just like a woman, the minute you think you’ve figured it out, she freaks out and gives you the silent treatment. And all you want as a guy is to fix it, but she just keeps saying “I shouldn’t have to tell you what’s wrong with me, you should already know!” But of course you don’t know so she punishes you in the worst way possible. (which is all dependent on each relationship) In this case, Mother Nature likes to show you who REALLY wears the pants in the relationship, and gives you the ultimate fuck you!

Speaking of, I wish the hippies that are invading the trees so a college football statium’s construction will be halted would set aside their hippie ways for just a couple hours, rent a DVD player and watch Grizzly Man and Into the Wild. Hopefully they’ll realize that even though they respect the trees, those trees are just a part of mother natures wrath….

Come to think of it, maybe they shouldn’t be clued into the evil ways of Muther Effing Nature.

Sorry if that felt a little too much like a rant…

I thought I’d leave you with some upcoming movies that I would like to see.

Starting with Step Brothers.

I dunno what it is, I just think it look hilarious! Like really freakin Hilarious. Love Will.

The next movie I REALLY want to see is The Happening. It’s by one of my favorite directors of all time, M. Night Shyamalan! That’s right, I really like his work. I think a lot of people just didn’t understand Unbreakable and for the love of god, Signs still freaks me out! I just felt as if he did a great job of making peoples reactions “real.” Anyway, here’s the trailer….

(ps, there is currently a bug flying around the light above me as I write this…. literally freaking me the fuck out. (dammit, I promised myself that I had reached my F word quotient for the blog. Son of a bitch, now I feel bad.))

Next up is Son of Rambow. I’ve got this wierd likely for english humor. Like I love Monty Python, The Black Adder, and my favorite new show Top Gear. So when I came across this little trailer I was genuinely excited… here it is, enjoy.

Well there it is for the night. Hope you enjoyed the blog…. Want all of you to know, I did watch the RoL2 season finale and a full recap will be coming shortly! Until then.

Reality Round Up 4/7

Can I just say, what a great couple of days in the world of reality TV.

First things first, we start off with American Idol.

David. Check.
Brooke. Check.
Syesha. Check.

Moving on.

So Rock of Love season two continues with our Heroines back at home after a harrowing couple of days in Las Vegas. Bret decides to be the “nice guy” and bring in the parents of the final three girls. Destiny, AHMBRE, and Daisy. But wait, there is a catch. Turns out our favorite Daisy doesn’t have parents. That’s right folks she was a bastard child raised by wolves in the desert. Only to be found by a Bear and Jaguar and raised as a man cub….. wait. Shit, my bad that was the plot to Disney’s the Jungle Book. (Also Ruyard Kiplings book. geeks.)

Daisy doesn’t have parents, instead she has her ex-boyfriend, Charles’ sister representing her parents. Is it just me or would this be a problem in everyday dating. Like EVERYTHING about Daisy’s life revolves around her legs wrapped around a pole, and Charles. If Bret were smart, he’d be cutting her ass faster than Destiny cuts her wrists at an Emo show. (low blow?)

Later on in the episode, we find out that AHMBRE, is actually rocking the ripe old age of 37, NOT 31 as she previously told the girls and Bret Michaels. Leave it to good ole dad to rat you out. Like what the hell was he thinking? He’s gotta be wanting a grandchild or two, ratting out your daughters REAL age isn’t actually going to help things DAD? Good Lord what a jerk. I’m thinking Dad’s in for a world of hurt when it comes down to AHMBRE picking out his retirement home. More than likely it’s actually just going to be in AHMBRE’s house down in the basement with all of her cats keeping him company while the kids who live on the street keep shouting “Don’t go to Crazy Lady AHMBRE’s house, there’s a something alive in the basement!!!”

Right before elimination we find out that AHMBRE and Daisy are both in love with the Hero Bret Michaels, while the party hard groupie chick Destiny is not.

In literature, we are taught that sometimes the main character has a fatal flaw that he or she cannot see. While some people it’s hidden deep within emotions or an action they make, others it’s so obvious a coke sniffing stripper can figure it out. And so we had the BEST elimination ever. As Bret confronts Daisy with more skeletons in her closet, she flips it around and calls out Destiny on her fatal flaw of lack of Love for Bret. Which in turn leaves Bret no choice but to eliminate Destiny, and let her get back to her groupie loving ways. Which in all honestly is where she’d rather be in the first place. ps Destiny, it’s called Rock of LOVE, not Rock of Have sex with another person in a band on national TV.

One thing that would piss me right off, is getting a tattoo, and then getting my ass cut. Of course that is me, and not Destiny, so she’s probably ok with it. I mean, it sucks that you got that tattoo, but hey, it’s ten times better than getting your rack signed with a sharpie!

So now on to the Hills. Which again was a 2 episode night. I really wish they would stop doing that, casue it’s really effing with my mojo. I want ONE clear concise episode. But what I’m getting is one pretty good episode, followed by another episode, that just bugs the shit out of me with the previews for next week leaving me wanting more. (Good lord that was one awesome run on sentence. And I don’t even care!)

I’m going to mainly deal with the first episode, cause as previously stated the second episode sucked.

LC and Stephanie are becoming close friends through thier class together at some fashion shmashion place in LA. While this is ok for LC, Spencer, Heidi, Audrina and recently welcomed back LO all have a problem with her being in LC’s life. Which is understandable… she’s a meth head and a thief. Might want to keep an eye on that classy little piece of work.

While people don’t exactly like the new freindship, I freakin LOVED Stephanie in last night episode! And basically it’s because she talks shit to Spencer so much. If they weren’t related I would swear she hates him. I do.

Which reminds me, did anyone see that Spencer got his own advice column? Really this douchbag gets his OWN advice column. Who the fuck was the editor in chief of that magazine? Lets take a look at his first Q&A ….. It’s entitled… Yo Spencer!

YO SPENCER! How do you deal with weak people and haters?
With weak people, you can only try to give them confidence and pump them up. To be honest, you don’t need them around you. I try to put myself around really strong people. Haters you should love. Hatred stems from jealousy at some point. If people aren’t hating on you, they don’t care, and if they don’t care, that means you’re not doing anything right. I love my haters. I don’t hate them back at all. You can turn so many haters around once they meet you. I’m like, “Thanks, I get it, I’m an idiot,” and they’re like, “Woo! He’s an idiot! He’s so cool!” I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night.

I seriously hate that guy.

ps, if I ever meet Spencer, there will be no turning me around. I hate that guy.

So anyway, the show ends, with all of the girls questioning friendships etc etc…. oh and LC and Brody have lunch. Which leads me to another point. When he called her out about being dumb in the club and saying “where’s your girlfriend??” I was just waiting and hoping she was replied, “yeah, that was my bad, I was pretty shitfaced that night.” Not once has that ever happen. How am I supposed to believe that people that go out that much don’t get hammered on a consistant basis. I know I did. And hell there were lots of mornings where I’d say…. yeah I’m sorry I said that… I was really wasted. Give me some reality MTV I can take it. I don’t need a veil over my eyes. If I wanna see some LC drunken stupor I should be able to!

I almost forgot…. this epiphany hit me while watching the Hills last night. Let me know what you think.

Yeah?!?!? Anyone? Bubbles from Finding Nemo, and Heidi??

Sorry, I really feel as if I’ve rambled for too long so I’ll leave you with a synopsis of episode 2. Audrina and Heidi become friends again. Whitney shows up some other girl at work (could have been episode one.) LC helps out Whitney at Work…. Whitney’s boss is still cranky and old. (Probably single) Audrina borrowed one of Justin-Bobby’s head wraps. All ends well until next week.

If you’ve read this far, I want to thank you…. I really do appreciate it. I’ll leave you with some other reality shows that have come back that I’m obsessed with. #1 Top Chef on Bravo, and Hells Kitchen on Fox. Not sure anyone cares enough to have me review them, then again not sure any cares enough to have me review these shows. Basically all I”m saying is check those shows out too… I don’t think you’ll be upset!

Pick 6.1

So I know my reality shows are coming quickly so I decided to throw in another Pick 6 musical randomness so that some people have something to read at work on Monday morning. That is assuming people actually care enough to check this blog out daily. 

(note: if you’re new to the Pick 6, here is a summary. I open my iTunes library, hit random, and write a little synopsis of the song as it pertains to my life. Enjoy!)

Without further ado, lets start off this musical journey…..

Title – Artist(s)

Hurricane – The Click

Oh man, what a way to start this beloved Pick 6. Back in the day (and by this I mean 2 years ago) I used to be quite the club goer. I worked at a radio station and by doing so had some friends that were a little younger than me. One of these friends was an avid club goer and I being his faithful right hand man, and drinking partner was always along for the ride. Mr. Royal (as is his nickname based on his preferred drink) drove around in this piece of shit honda of some sort. It was so bad, that when we went out to the clubs I was always the person designated to drive. If you’ll notice, I wasn’t the designated driver, I was designated to drive. I drove a 02 Saturn with no tape deck, no power windows, no cd player, just some AM/FM tunes to get us by. That’s how bad Mr. Royal’s car was. About 6-7 months into our friendship of heavy drinking and AM/FM tunes, Mr. Royal bought himself a much nicer car complete with iPod hook up. I can’t tell you how many times we’d roll downtown and this song was the song of choice for the night. Everytime I hear it, no matter where I am, what time it is, I feel I should have a “to-go cup” full of Jack and Coke, and a flask full of Crown Royal for none other than Mr. Royal.

Somebody Told Me – The Killers

WOW! This isn’t my favorite song from the killers by any means. However, no matter what Killers song it is, I’m reminded of one of my top 5 concerts of all time. Back when working for radio I went to all sorts of concerts for free. It was awesome. This just happened to be one of those shows, and they were so freakin good that I told myself if they were ever in town again, I would gladly pay for a ticket to this show. They were that damn good. Amazing stuff. If they ever come to your neck of the woods, no matter where you are…. GO! It’s 100% worth it!

Lately (MTV UNplugged) – Jodeci

As they say in the very beginning of this song, “This is an oldy, but a goodie.” I can’t agree more. To be honest with you, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard the album version of this song. I don’t think I ever intend to do that, because this song is so great. In fact this whole show was great! I loved UNplugged. I really wish MTV or MTV2 would bring it back. I have a great appreciation for acoustic music. This song is no different. Bring back UNplugged people!

Dance, Dance – Fall Out Boy

About 2 years ago I had an epiphany…. and it was generated by viewing a mile or so long line to get into the All American Rejects/Fall Out Boy concert. I looked at the audience that was waiting in line to see such a show, and 90% of the crowd were pre-teen girls ready to get their rock on. When it suddenly dawned on me… Fall Out Boy is the Backstreet Boys/N*Sync of their generation. I’m not saying lyrically, or talent wise, I’m just saying every generation needs a “boy band.”
Early 80’s we’ve got New Edition followed by New Kids on the Block. The 90’s gives us Backstreet Boys/N*Sync, and now Fall Out Boy.
Dance, Dance again, is not my favorite from FOB, but serves as a pick me up sometimes.

Living on a Prayer – Bon Jovi

I knew at some point my love of 80’s hair bands was going to sneak on to the prestigus list and damn it all to hell. Alas, from here on out, this blog is in a downward sprial of empending doom. Read at your own risk.

Ps… Bon Jovi scores major points for naming thier Album “Slippery When Wet.” The more and more I grow up, the more I realize that I was left out of about 90% of sexual innuendo’s that dominated the 80’s. (That figure is actually much closer to 99%, due to my religious background, and band geek dad. I missed a lot.)
*sigh*

Possum Kingdom – Toadies

A look back on my life, and I forget a very influencial period in my life that sometimes I really try to bury down deeply. Back in the mid 90’s I was what many people called an Alterna-Teen. Yeah, shocking I know. I loved Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer, Green Day (old Stuff pre Dookie) and many more! I’m no longer Alternative, nor a Teen, therefore this musical taste has come and gone. However, I have held on to many of these loves, and they have a special place in my iTunes library. I’m not sure why but this song always reminds me of my older brother (who I more than likely got my alterna-teen”ness” from in the first place.) He used to play it while driving me around all the time. Listening to the lyrics reminds me of a Anne Rice book and giving it tons of street cred. I’ve always heard rumor it’s actually about Vampires, but I’ve never taken the time to look it up for actual vaildation. If you do, and it is about Vampires… I’d be grateful if you gave me a little heads up.

This concludes our Pick 6 for the day… hope you enjoyed!

Beach Ready Body and the Internet is Boring.

Hello my blogging friends.

If you’ve been following along with my blogs, you’ll know that I’ve recently dedicated myself to working out to obtain my beach ready body by the time summer comes. Which, I’m not sure why considering I don’t go outside. I hate being to hot. I’m afraid of the ocean. Hate public swimming pools. And generally despise most of the summer aside from chicks dressing slutty, (thank heavens for short shorts) Thirsty Thursdays (where most the slutty girls are) and Red Sox baseball games. (Where beer, slutty girls, and baseball collide for a maelstrom of goodness.)

But there I am every day Up In the Club, Just Workin on my Fitness. (ah thank you Fergie.) And I have to say it. I’m not seeing results fast enough. I’ve been inundated to believe that things these days should be instant. Instant messaging, instant pudding, instant rice, drive through windows, BlackBerry, syphilis, shopping on the internet, and instant news have given me a sense of false hope.

3 weeks at the club should leave me some sort of hope. Some itsy bitsy little thing that I can cling on too that things are working. I mean I wish I had a pair of “skinny jeans” (don’t think we don’t know about em) so that when I put them on and they fit, it would give me some sort of sign that all is right with the world. Alas, I am a boy so my jeans are already a size or two to big for me, which means every fucking pair are my skinny jeans. *sigh*

A couple things have transpired since working out at my gym.

#1. I’ve realized I’m still working out too early for Strippers to be at the gym. I guess the timing was all off in my head. Having never, EVER, been to a strip club in all my life, I didn’t realize what time they actually got done. I was figuring 2 am, maybe the latest 3 am. Then it dawned on me, that more than likely they get off work at 4-5 am. To get to the gym by 10 am on 5-6 hours of sleep, there is no way that would be possible. Plus, I’m pretty sure the coke may not have worn of in time to get in a decent cardio workout. Damn.

#2. Not all female trainers are hot. Some are old and leathery that tan too much.

#3. Working out after a long night of drinking is never really a good thing to do. Especially for me. I’ve unfortunately developed a nasty little drinking habit. My tolerance for Jack Daniel’s whiskey is insane. I’ve been known to finish a bottle at any given celebration. While I know this isn’t really a feat of skill by any means (college frat boys claim this every weekend. Although downing a fifth of Boone Farm is hardly any feat, especially if it’s Country Kwencher. It’s a real flavor I checked.) it’s the next day that I believe sets me apart from the others. See I don’t get hungover anymore when I drink Jack. Like none. Zip. Zero. It’s as if my liver has completely given up processing the alcohol. So when I go out, it takes a lot of Jack for me to get drunk. More than most. So the next day when I rolled into the gym, and about mile marker 1.75 the sweat kicks in and BAM! Alcohol comes gushing out of my pours, for not only me to smell but the unassuming people running next to you. I tried my best to keep it contained, but to no avail. I could smell Jack and I knew the girl and guy running next to me could too. And if any of you know the smell of Jack, you’ll know it’s not the most pleasant smell in the world. (Unless you’re me. Then you fucking love that smell.)

You’re welcome 24 Hour Fitness patrons.

So the other night, I was discussing with a friend that I felt like I was at the end of the internet. Basically what I mean is that I keep looking at the same websites over and over again. It’s actually a bit depressing. I feel like a 12 year old kid who just got home from school, and although I just recently talked to my friends at school, I have to go home and wear out the refresh button on my Safari web browser.The list includes Myspace, Facebook, PerezHilton, The Superficial, If Julie Fell, Yahoo!, my iGoogle, Hotmail, ESPN, Red Sox Homepage, Netflix, Craigslist, and my own blog. (Yeah, I look at my blog all the time! so what?)Just recently I’ve revisited a site that I love so very much. OverheardinNewYork.com is HILARIOUS.

Basically people submit random shit they’ve hear whilst in New York. Which got me to thinking last night, that maybe I don’t ever want to go to New York. I mean, they have all sorts of nicknames for shit left and right, and if you don’t know, no one is going to help you out. You’re just supposed to know already. Or at least that is the gist I get from reading some of the quotes. But how could the internet be wrong? It can’t be….

Anyway this site has spawned some spin off sites, such as OverheardAtthebeach.com, Overheardintheoffice.com and a celebrity spin off. They are fantastic. Here are a couple highlights that i enjoyed.

Office girl #1: Man, I’m really bored. I know what we should do… [Looks around] Aw, we don’t have any glue, do we?
Office girl #2, confused and horrified: Um…

I think I found this more funny because it was from the city I live in. Classic.

Here’s another….
Cashier: Alright, so that’s going to be $47.68.
Customer: What? The book was $31.99!
Cashier: Ummm, actually, it was $44.99…
Customer: It says $31.99!
Cashier: I’m afraid you were looking at the American price, ma’am…
Customer: So?!
Cashier: We’re in Canada.
Customer, indignant: Well, I want to speak to a manager!
Cashier: Unfortunately, I don’t think he’ll be able to change global economy, but let me page him…

hilarious. and I love it. Points for you cashier.

My point of all this, is that I’m bored with the internet. I need your help people. I need some cool new sites that I can pour over and waste most of my day. So I’m no longer bored. I need the internet people. NEED! Go ahead send me a comment with a cool new page that you think I may like. I’d love to see what you all think. And Thank you…