V Day with Rachel Bilson…

First, I wanted to let the millions three readers that I have know, that I updated my “about me” section so that the next time I go off and judge 25 women based solely on their looks, you can now email me and call me an asshat.

And based on my wit, the return email will probably go something like this….

To: SarcasmFan
From: DoubleDown
Subject: RE: Judging women

Dear Fan,
YOU’RE an asshat.

Thank you for reading.

---

 

 

With that out of the way, I figured I’d update my friends with how I spent my Valentines. As per usual, I really hate Valentines Day as a whole. I really think that it’s pretty much shallow and commercial. And believe me, I’m not one of those people who hates commercialism. I’m totally cool with it. In fact I embrace it for all it’s worth. Christmas being commercialized.. Awesome! Just as long as I’m getting in on some of the action.

This however is not the case on Valentines Day. For I am not getting in on ANY action. Therefore, Valentines Day sucks.

I’ve been fighting off a cold the last couple of days, so at night I’ve been taking night time cold medicine which pretty much knocks me out till noon the next day. In addition to that, I’m also insanely groggy because of it. Therefore I hadn’t really realized that our doorbell had rang 10 minutes after I had gotten up.

However, after the drug induced haze had left me, I quickly remembered that the doorbell had indeed rung 20 minutes ago, and I hadn’t heard the door close. (We have a large door to our house, and no matter where you are in the house you can hear it close.) So I left my perch up stairs and came unto our landing to see my little sister holding the door open, and a BOY standing outside on our doorstep.

sidebar: For those of you who don’t know, I’m VERY protective of my little sister. I, being a boy at one point, know exactly what boys have on their mind. In addition I also coach High School soccer at the same school she attends. Which allows me to know exactly what the boys are talking about. And I’m going to let you in on a secret. Boys are dirty.

So it displeased me a great deal. To notice said boy lurking about our house. Dropping off valentines to my little sister. As I rounded past the open door, I made sure that he saw me. We made eye contact, to which I believe said…

MyEyeContact: Don’t think I don’t see you there. Even though I just woke up and may not look it, I’m effing crazy! I’ve killed people for less than what your doing.
HisEyeContact: ooooooh shit. Big brother.
MyEyeContact: Damn straight.
HisEyeContact: Look at the ground.
MyEyeContact: Dude, sweet blazer though. Nicely done.

I felt as if the eye contact of death was enough. I’m pretty sure I got my point across, however what I really wanted to do is this….

Turns out, he brought her a rose, a valentine, and some candy or some shit.

And for all of you stop saying… awweeee that’s cute.
That shit aint cute. Dressin all snazzy dropping off Valentines. Damn.

The rest of my Valentines Day was fairly uneventful. I met up with a friend of mine from high school for some drinks which were intended to be for my birthday, but seeing as how some people have a job they can’t always find a ton of time to get drinks.

It was very cool, however, I told my friend “Belle” (she to this day still has a thing for Disney princesses, although by definition, I don’t think Belle was actually a princess) about the story of my young sisters new suitor. She responded by saying “be nice to her.” Which I respectfully disagreed with.

We had great conversation, especially when the couple next to us sat down. The woman was wearing a wedding ring, while the gentleman next to her was not. Seeing as how my friend Belle is married, we got on the topic of conversation about wearing a wedding ring etc etc.

At this point, Belle got a little heated, and may or may not have been calling the gentleman next to us a “dick” for not wearing a ring. Obviously not to his face or directly, but in the context of the conversation. I found it hilarious, because every time she would mention his charcater, she would said “he’s a dick!” quite loudly.

After some time passed and conversations changed, I noticed that I was indeed wrong. That the woman next to the gentleman was in fact NOT wearing a ring. To which I giggled to myself. And no, I didn’t tell Belle, because I thought her commentary on the fact was hilarious.

After drinks with Belle, I stopped by my happy place. Best Buy. I actually got quite the chuckle at seeing a couple couples hanging out at Best Buy. Heads up guys. For any of you reading this, based on some of the expressions of the ladies that were at Best Buy, taking them there on a Valentines date, not a good idea.

One couple, the young man was taking down death glares left and right as he poured over Car stereo information. I could just see him dropping 200 bucks for a new Car Stereo then taking the young lass over to Chipotle for 2 burritos, and a bag of chips. That made me laugh internally.

Another couple was in the DVD section trying to pick out a movie for the night. I could tell who was leading the charge based on the movies they were looking at. The Notebook, Pretty Woman, Sleepless in Seattle, and so on. Poor guy, kept turning his head and watching the big screen displays. Hoping and praying at some point he was able to make it home and watch the All Star festivities. Hate to break it to you young man, but in no way shape or form are you watching Dwight Howard lose the dunk contest to little Nate Robinson. Enjoy the Notebook dude, heres hoping you get those 123 minutes of your life back.

I left the Best Buy empty handed and without completing any retail therapy. I resisted the urge of treating myself to dinner from 5 Guys Burgers and Fries, went home and decided to finish off watching the NBA All-Star festivities and find a movie on TV.

I came across Jumper. A movie I had always wanted to watch but never had any desire to make the effort to watch. In said movie is a girl, I’ve always had a little crush on, but I’m pretty sure she’s making her way into my top 5.

That’s right, little Rachel Bilson.

I’m pretty sure were the perfect fit. She’s short, brunette, spritely (trying to use that word more often) seems really down to earth, and based on an extensive google image search always dresses cute. Which are all qualities that fit me perfectly.

Plus, she acted like she was interested in guys who like sarcasm (Summer on the OC.) and appeared in a show in which she fell for a geek (Chuck) So based on those two parameters, I’m pretty sure she’d totally dig me.

So if any of you know Rachel Bilson, I’d soooo totally love an introduction. Then we can make out, talk about Geek stuff, be sarcastic and live happily ever after.

That last sentence reminded me why I don’t like boys talking to my sister.

Happy Valentines day to me!

Until next time.

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

What I’m Thankful For…

I recently looked and realized for a minute there I was posting every other day. Then came some time spent in the bakery of The Warehouse and I noticed that my posting, like my dignity, was fading away. So here I am. With a more of a promise to try and post a little more often.

A friend of mine who writes a blog had a pretty sweet post of the things she is thankful for. She used Flickr and it was pretty awesome. I was impressed. My list however is unique, and I don’t think I can find some of the images. (You’ll see soon enough.) So, with that being said, here goes my list.

(in no particular order.)

I’m Thankful for….
Turkey
Playing Thanksgiving Day football.
Not being hurt in said Thanksgiving Day football.
My Family.
My Parents.
My Brother being home from college.
A roof over my head.
My wonderful, awesome, friends.
The Civil War. (Oregon v Oregon State. Not North v South. Although it did help bring an end to slavery and such… so I’m pretty thankful for that too.)
A job.
My Car.
Movies.
I live in a country where people can buy thousands of pies in one day.
I live in a country where people can make thousands of pies in one day.
I live in a country where we celebrate holidays in which, gorging out on food, playing/watching football, not giving people gifts, and getting the day off.
I live in a country where I’m allowed to vote.
I’m live in a country where I’m able to question my government.
The Red Sox.
Manchester United.
Girls who wear “party pants/soroity pants” to The Warehouse to do some Thanksgiving shopping.
Those same girls who have a little bit of Vicky’s Secret showing. Makes an eight hour day just a bit more bearable.
Girls who wear boyshorts.
Beer Pong.
Jack Daniels.
Having Crushes.
Las Vegas.
Combination of Beer Pong IN Las Vegas.
My Bed.
My Grandparents. Both sets.
Paragon.
The invention of the thong.
Nike.
Video Games.
The Internet.
My little Hula Girl dashboard top that moves while I type.
Ikea.
Holiday Sales.
Music.
My Health.
The new trend in womens fashion, to wear long wool coats, skirts, and FM Boots.
FM Boots.
College Football Saturdays.
Being a Coach.

Good times with friends, with many more to come.

Happy Thanksgiving 08′ Everyone.

98 Over 69….

That’s my blood pressure at this point in my life.

98 over 69.

How do I know this. Well I was at Rite Aid this fine morning picking up a prescription for my father. But more on that later.

It’s surprising my blood pressure wasn’t higher considering the week I’ve had. By all accounts this wasn’t really THAT bad of a week. I mean there are people who are having a much worse week than I am. So I guess in the grand scheme of things this blog is just going to be a gigantic pity party for me. And you’re all invited.

As many of you may well know, I am currently unemployed. I don’t hide that fact. Rewind to a couple of months ago (6 I think. Good lord.) I interviewed for a position as a Community Relations Manager for the American Cancer Society. The position was perfect for me. Working with events, managing volunteers, and generally reaping a whirlwind of good karma.

The director interviewing me loved me. I felt really good about this opportunity. My friend Gretch who works for the ACS set up the interview and was also my little inside mole to the goings on of the ACS. So after the stellar interview I waited. It wasn’t until about a week or so after the interview that the director called and informed me that, while I was very impressive in the interview, another candidate who had volunteered for the last ten years had applied near the deadline, and they felt as if hiring from “within” was a very important concept for their company. While this stung, I couldn’t help but agree.

However the director informed that a position may be opening up very soon. So I waited. I actually went back to work for the radio station for about a month to a month and a half. Funny things was about that, I went back to the position I had basically had while I was an intern.

While I can’t thank my people at the radio station enough, (the time spent their did bring in some needed income and it was great seeing my friends again) I couldn’t help but want to slit my wrists. You see I was back on the phones calling 14 year old girls alerting them that their valued prize (a cd) was now available for them to come pick up.

However, most 14 year olds aren’t home around 1:30 in the afternoons. And oddly enough, most of the time their dads are. So you can only imagine when a guy who’s near thirty calls an unsuspecting father of a 14 year old girl. Let me just tell you the first couple minutes are VERY awkward.

Dad: “hello”
Me: “Hi, is Mandy home?”
Dad: “WHO is this?!?!”
Me: “This is Preston from Z100.”
Dad: “uh huh.”
Me : “I’m just calling to let her know her Miley Cyrus CD is in.”
Dad: “yeah. I’ll let her know.”
Me: “thank you.”
Dad: “hey, quick question. Is this your number, like can I get a hold of you again? You, know, In case I need to come down there with her???”
Me: “yessir, this is my number. I look forward to seeing you.”
Dad: “I’m sure you do. Goodbye.”

That wasn’t an extreme case even. I’m stressed thinking about it.

Anyway, I did that for awhile, and I will also remind you that this was at the height of Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry “I kissed a girl.” And if you know anything about top 40 radio you’ll know that these two songs were played on average, every hour and a half. Kids love to hear their favorites.

So I left the radio station and had heard rumblings of things coming together at the ACS. So I held off on other opportunities. Even slowed down the job search. A couple weeks ago, I received an email from the ACS saying a position was open, lets meet next week! You can’t imagine how excited I was. Finally!

High School Soccer started this past week, and once again I’m back at my alma matter coaching the goalkeepers with an old friend. It’s great and I love it. Takes my mind off of everything in the entire world for at least 2 hours everyday. This is my fourth year back and I’m excited as ever.

We had tryouts this week, and it was really tough. There was a lot of talent and not a lot of spots. I hate crushing young men’s hopes and dream, which is why I’m not the head coach! Wise is the head coach and he’s the one who had to cut a couple seniors this week. Harsh times. He also got some death glares when announcing who was on what team.

Let me just say, if you suck, you should probably know it. And you shouldn’t question your JV2 team placement. Unless you have those types of parents who pretend you’re good at everything. You’re not. And your parents are just filling your tiny little head with false hopes and dreams. More than likely you should direct your anger toward them instead of the coaching staff of the high school. I only say this, cause I don’t want my car keyed.

After a long day at practice, I came home to check my email.

I had an email from the director of the ACS. Informing me that my driving record from 04-05 was preventing her from hiring me.

FUCK.

I was (am) literally crushed. I think thats the best word for it. I can’t explain it any other way.

So as I’ve been attempting to deal with that (albeit very poorly) I was awaken earlier this Friday morning with a phone call from my mother. It took me a second to realize what was going on. My mom generally never calls me. Cause, well, I’m always home as is she. So the unexpecting phone call woke me quite sudden.

My little brother had gotten into a car accident. I guess he had rear ended some truck and the tralier hitch went through the grill. He and my sister were in the car, and they’re both fine which is all that matters.

I can tell you however, nothing, and I mean nothing freaks me out more than when I hear distress in my moms voice. I shot out of bed and she informed me that my dad needed to be picked up for he should have just been done with having oral surgery.

I went to the oral surgeon to pick up my dad, who was high as a kite. Literally. Like high. I didn’t feel at this place and time was the right time to be telling him that his other son (I was the first mind you) may have totaled the car. I figured we would just sit here in the recovery section, repeating the same conversation over and over again because he couldn’t remember that we had just had it.

After we slowly made it to my car, I took him to rite aid so I could get his prescription filled. The nice lady at the counter informed me it would take roughly 20 minutes for them to fill a couple pills of percoset (one of my favs) into a bottle.

So be it. As my father lay in a heap in the front seat of my car, I decided with all that was wrong with the world to take my blood pressure on one of the cool machines. (I don’t really know how cool they are now, but when I was kid, man, those were the shit.)

As the song “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” blared over the Rite Aid loudspeaker, reminding me of the Kelly, Brenda, and Emily Valentine love triangle from BH 90210, I couldn’t help but be just a little more at ease. My life as rough as it is right now will never be as bad as the psycho Emily Valentine. I mean, I’ve seen some tough shit before, but burning down a parade float is where I draw the line.

The results for the test were up….

98 over 69 with a pulse of 59 BPM.

Good news. I’m not going to die. My life really isn’t that bad.

Addict

By all accounts I shouldn’t be an addict.

I grew up with a great family. Loving parents who are still together. And still Love each other. Great home life with a large family and huge amounts of support. I was an athlete in high school and in college. My life was constantly filled with 3 hour daily practices, running, and working out.

Things have since changed.

I’m trying to look back in my life and figure out how and when I became and addict. I know because of recent events in my life things have gotten worse. I lost my job, I’m not playing sports, and while my family is supportive…I actually blame them.

You see I believe this all started with my dad.

Go figure another person with daddy issues. I learned it from him. Watching him, admiring him, almost worshiping him. Who’s really all the surprised that I’m an addict now. The more I think about it the more I realize he’s the one who’s infected this whole family. I mean it was my little brother who introduced it to me. Who got it from dad. I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming.

I had realized that things were in the depth of despair the other day when to my shock, I saw my little sister of 14 years of age…… she was in. She’s now addicted. And it’s all my dads fault.

I’ve gotta find someway to stop. Maybe there is someone I can call. Maybe there is someplace I can go. I just really need help. There has got to be some sort of cure out there.

Someway of reversing this need… this desire…….

……to play World of Warcraft. 

Yeah that’s right. I’m totally addicted to WoW.

And it really did start with my dad. He’s a geek. Like a HUGE geek. He wasn’t popular. He wasn’t an athlete. He wasn’t a ladies man.What he was, was a Dungeons and Dragons playing, Lord of the Rings Reading, trumpet playing geek.

And it’s rubbed off on me and the rest of my siblings. Some of us hide it a lot more than the others. Like me. If you knew who I was and met me, the last thing you’d ever expect me to fill my day with would be World of Warcraft, but thanks in part to some recessive genes, BAM…. I fill my day with a fantasy realm where I go around kicking ass. 

I can’t say I’m really ashamed. Cause I’m not. There are 10 million participants of World of Warcraft. That’s almost as many people as a popular religion of the world. South Park did a HILARIOUS parody. Hell even Mr. T, William Shatner, and Mini Me all play World of Warcraft.

•  Verne Troyer
• Mr T.
  
• William Shatner
  

I guess what I’m really trying to say, is that on the outside, I’m just your regular average pretty boy, who loves sports, is popular, was never in the band, but deep down. I’m not only a geek. I’m an addict.   

Thanks Dad.