S.A.W…

It’s October 31st folks, and where I come from that makes this Slut Appreciation Weekend, in more common terms, Halloween. 

It’s the only time of the year where any girl can dress like a complete whore and it’s is totally socially acceptable. Not only is it acceptable, it’s encouraged. I for one love this idea. I for one am all in favor of this idea. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if this happened maybe once or twice more a year.  I mean what actually happens in the month of May? Nothing. 

August? Even More nothing. 

So number one, I propose S.A.W be held at least twice more during the year. 

And number two, I propose Halloween ACTUALLY be renamed as Slut Appreciation Weekend. I feel as if this will clear up a number of issues of Halloween. 

Lastly, I would like to take a moment to honor someone who paved the way for S.A.W. to become what it has today. A true visionary, a pioneer of S.A.W. Someone who shaped the future and gave hope to women of the future… Ladies and Gentelman… I give you … 

Kelly Taylor!

 

Kelly set a precedent for all future Halloweens. Guys, I do believe we owe Kelly Taylor a huge debt of gratitude. For she has shaped a future like this….. 

This is a future, I want to be a part of. 

 

Thank you Kelly Taylor… Thank you. 

Happy S.A.W. Everyone.

Until Next time…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Coupons Are The Bane of My Existence….

So today was my first day at my “new” job. The reason I say “new” is because it really isn’t new. I’ve done this job before in the same exact warehouse, with mostly the same exact people.

It’s amazing to me that this place pays so well, that many people never ever have any aspiration to leave. They just move on up. Which for me I suppose is a great thing. You see, for 5-6 years ago when I was employed full time there were a couple of middle aged women who were putting in their time. These same middle ages women liked the fact that I was young, impressionable, and “cute.”

Flash forward a couple of years, and those same middle aged woman are still there, except I’m “grown up,” and I believe the term handsome was used, which as we all know, is a term I feel should only be reserved for grandmas to use. Anyway, that’s besides the point. The point of this is, because I’ve known these ladies for years, and because they are now in charge, I was able to land myself a bit of a bonus on my first day.

I was told, on my first day, to jump on register 15. Which is cool, because I get paid more than the base pay and I hate “boxing” things up for people. So off I went to register 15 to start cashiering, something I haven’t done in roughly 5-6 years.

Nothing upsets the heard more than someone “new guy” coming into people spots and jacking one of the cashier spots that was open for the holiday season. One of the supervisors came in to talk to me on my lunch

Sup: “dude, some people are pissed off already that you’re cashiering.
Me: “oh I’m sorry. (I wasn’t.)
Sup: “it’s cool, I mean I put you on there.”
Me: Well I thank you for that.
Sup: “I just told people you’ve worked here before and knew what you were doing.”
Me: “oh cool, that’s good. I mean, I do. Ya know… know what I’m doing.”

Seriously people, it’s like riding a bike. I mean, I’m not going to lie, there were definitely some things that I didn’t remember but I don’t think I shortchanged the register, and no one got outta the store with a free plasma, so I’m chalking up day one as a success.

Working there isn’t without its perks people….

Today was in fact, the last day to use The Warehouses coupons!!! and HOLY SHIT are people bat shit crazy for their coupons. I mean, I guess I can understand. This place has wholesale prices. And now were giving away coupons on wholesale prices. The tomfoolery and chicanery is not hype people! COUPONS!!
(at this point, I imagine any scene from sesame street where grover is running around with his hands in the air shaking them to and fro. This is exactly how people feel about coupons at The Warehouse.)

People had to have their coupons. They NEEDED those coupons. Even for shit they didn’t need. Dude came in and bought some Oil of Olay shit for his skin. And by dude I mean one of those guys you’d see cutting down a tree, chewing tobacco, and brandishing a gun in the cab of his truck. (My apologies to any man, who in fact does the above said activities and purchases Oil of Olay to reduce wrinkles in their face.)

So of course, all day long I am forced to deal with people and their coupon-mania. And as I’ve stated before, I don’t like people, and I REALLY don’t like people with coupons. Needless to say it was a long day of people with their coupons, people who after years of providing bags for their meat, STILL bring up their meat not in a bag, therefore allowing all of the sweet awesome meat juice to flow like the salmon of Capistrano all over my hands, jeans, and register.

(and YES, I know that was one long ass run on sentence.)

All of this aside, I see some positives to my new found job.

#1. I get to keep my beautiful car. For which I may or may not be in love with. Whatever.

#2. I get to see some friends of mine come in with awesome sweet jobs, and ask… “How ya doing?” With the slight head tilt like someone died. Which in my case something has, my pride.

#3. I get to see some of the local 5 o’clock news casters! And, heads up…. you look fine without the HD makeup… but you’re bratty little child…. yeah, next time, roll in without that little guy. mmkay.

#4. Free membership.

#5. Free samples.

#6. More than likely I’ll do most of my moms Thanksgiving and Chirstmas shopping for her.

#7. I’m pretty sure working there is going to give me plenty of material of this blog. That is, unless my bosses find it, and fire me for it.

Until next time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Mourning…

It’s true, I’m in mourning. My Red Sox had a valiant comeback from 3 games to 1 to force a game 7 at Tropicana Field. In which they lost.

The big story however is game 5.

I’ve mentioned before that I coach a high school soccer team and that commitment is pretty important to me. I attend all the games and assist the head coach in just about everything. In fact at one point, while our head coach was serving a suspension, I was the interim head coach for a game. We tied. But that’s not important.

That night however, I had a gigantic conflict as the Red Sox, in an elimination game were on tv. Now, mind you, I don’t leave the Sox for just about anything. Almost nothing in fact. Last year, while the Sox were in the World Series, I sat at home while all my friends were out galavanting around in slutty halloween costumes. And for those that know me, missing out on Slut Appreciation Weekend (read: Halloween) is not something I take lightly. Nor is drinking. But however the Sox were on. And I did not leave my couch.

I knew however that I was going to have to leave for my game that night. A decision I did not take lightly. I’m pretty superstitious and knowing that I would be away from my spot while supporting the Sox did not sit well with me.

At the time I left for my game, the Sox were down 5-0. I had to leave. I didn’t want to. But had too. The Sox needed me. I was letting them down, and if they lost, it was all my fault. At the game while warming up my goalkeeper, someone shouted from the side, Coach… Sox down 7-0 in the seventh.

Crushed.

My attention was turned to the game at hand. A must win for my team to have any shot at playoffs. With my rising blood pressure from the Sox, and the fact that we held a narrow, 1-0 lead in the socer game, my heart was taking a beating.

We held on to the lead, and finished with a 1-0 win, and a mighty brighter hope for playoffs. Something that hasn’t been done with our school since 95 I believe. It was a big win. It basically cancelled out the thoughts and feelings I had about the Sox losing. Until I returned home. I had realized that although we had gotten our win, the Red Sox, who I’ve been supporting since I was 8 years old, had lost.

I went to my room to check out my emails, facebook, myspace, and my phone. Upon checking my phone the strangest thing happened. I had 7 new text messages, 5 missed phone calls, and 3 new voice mails. Contrary to popular belief I DO NOT get this many messages, phone call, or voice mails in an entire week, let alone a two hour time span.

I began to read some of the text..

That Papelbon guy is good. Weird why would Paps be in. losing 7-0 why would they have a closer in. odd.
Still breathing. Yeah, why wouldn’t I be… 7-0, no one comes back from 7-0 in the 7th inning.
Well hot damn. Hot damn, what… we were down 7-0 in the 7th inning.
You best be watching!! Well I would like, to, but I’m not sure what you’re all excited about.. it’s 7-0 in the 7th inning.

So at this point, I decided to check ESPN.com… and there it was… the Sox had pulled off the most incredible, improbable comeback of the ALCS history. The Sox had come back from 7-0 in the 7th inning to win the game!

I was in shock, the next couple minutes of my life I actually don’t remember. I tried texting my friends, back but I’m pretty sure it was incoherent nonsense. They came back. They won. They were destined for #3. Of course, we all know what happened. And if you don’t well shame on you. Sox took game 6 and pushed a game 7 which they gallantly lost.

At least now I can go out for Slut Appreciation Weekend. Bonus.

I’ve been in mourning for the last couple of days. It stings, and it hurts. We got beat by a great team. They were good. They ARE good. In fact I think the Rays are so good, that not only will they win the WS, but the Sox got the best scouting report on their 2010 roster.

My life is returning to normal. In fact, in other news, I’ve taken a job working at a large warehouse chain made popular by the movie Employee of the Month. I worked there a long time ago right after high school. So almost ten years ago did I work there. Which turns out was to my benefit because a lot of the same people are STILL there. Amazing. I had to take a drug test so pending the drug test, I’ll be going to orientation on Thursday. Should be interesting.

Orientation, should be interesting. Not the drug test.

For those of you without DirecTV, I have to say you’re missing one of the greatest season of Friday Night Lights. This show is AMAZING. I wish I could give you all sorts of insight, and we could talk about it. Hell, no one I know has DirecTV so I can’t talk about the show without giving things away. It bothers me a lot, because there is a lot I need to discuss with my friends.

Like Lyla Garrity…

photo from Men's Health Magazine

Sidebar: I’d like it to be known, that Minka Kelly has been knocked out of my top 5 list of hot girls. You see, while she is incredibly hot, Minka has been involved in activities that have lowered her status. Her dropping out of the list reasons are three fold…
#1. She Dated John Mayer.
#2. She’s Dating Derek Jeter.
#3. She was at a University of Texas football game.
(she was actually at the game WITH Derek Jeter… two things that are at the top of my HATE list at the SAME TIME. MINKA WHY?!?!? WHY?!?!)

or is it just me, or is coaches daughter getting a bit hotter?

Getty Images

Last but not least, what guy wouldn’t want to be Tim Riggins?!?! Captain of the SS Ta Ta’s.
(aside from sleeping with your best friends girlfriend, couple days after he was paralyzed… whatever.)

All these burning questions and topics I need to discuss with people.

Speaking of good tv, is anyone else watching Entourage??? It’s been awesome… all I have to say is Ari Gold is back. He’s already had some amazing lines that I’m pretty sure you can find at one of my favorite blog sites… Ari Gold quotes.. check it out. Hilarious.

Oh and How I Met Your Mother has also been great this season. The last episode was hilarious. Watch it here and enjoy….. Shelter Island

The Seattle Mariner comment was HILARIOUS.

Anway, enough from me… if you want to know, or discuss more TV here is what’s on my DVR…
The Hills
How I Met Your Mother
Big Bang Theory
Heroes
Chuck
Friday Night Lights
The Office
Grey’s Anatomy
Entourage

Speaking of Tv, this is one of the best text messages that brightened my week….
I get sick of MTV’s Parental Control and then they throw some lesbians in there and suck me back in.

these are my friends.

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

until next time.

No Good Title…

Let me preface this blog by letting you know, I’m not the happiest camper in the world. Yes, I know that’s been the general theme of my latest blogs, but now, I have reason.

At least for tonight. As of this writing I just watched the Boston Red Sox play like utter rubbish. It’s a well known fact that I’m a huge fan of the Sox, and as of the last two games, they’ve really left me upset. But I don’t think many people come her for my in depth thoughts on sports. This isn’t necessarily a sports blog, so I try to limit that stuff for special occasions. But in all honesty, if you want my thoughts on the last two Sox games in the ALCS email me. I’ll go off.

Today however as I was away from my computer for most of the day watching the Sox, I come back and have received an IM from JDub.

http://daisyoflovecasting.com/

So I obviously click the link to find out what my friend has in store for me.

Upon arrival, I, like you may have, notice that this is a site dedicated to the application proccess of getting on Daisy from Rock of Love 2’s new spinoff show. I can’t tell you how excited I am to apply.

I have decided that obtaining a job and trying to pay my bills is horseshit. I shall no longer be streessed out about it. I shall, however, apply to be on Daisy’s Rock of Love spinoff. Everyone knows how I was such a fan of Daisy during the entire last season.

In fact, I think I may have referred to her as half retarded in one of my previous blogs. By the way after watching Tropic Thunder I’ve found that I can make fun of people who are half retarded. It’s only when I make fun of people that are fully retarded that I get in real trouble. Thanks Tropic Thunder.

Anyway, back to my new quest of being on Daisy’s new show. I don’t see as how this could possibly be a bad thing. I mean, I’m somewhat good looking. I don’t have any tattoos, nor do I dress in Ed Hardy and wear makeup, but maybe this is what Daisy could be looking for. Last couple of guys we have seen her with have been all decked out and Rockstarish.

The closest I have ever come to being rockstarish was the last time I was in Las Vegas, trying to convience my friends I should get a new tattoo. And by new, I mean my first one. However my friends seeing how drunk I was, decided that was probably not a good idea, and now probably stand in the way of me hooking up with Daisy. This depresses me.

I mean I think I’d be good for Daisy. We’d look like a modern day Barbie and Ken. That is, if Barbie got all strung out and started effing random band members. And it would also pertain if I had a hot pink Corvette and no private parts, yet still wore skin colored underpants.

Last time I checked some douche posing in front of a Rolls Royce Phantom that he walked by while taking a site seeing tour in LA was in the lead position to be cast on Daisy of Love. He’s only got six thousand votes. I’m pretty sure I could take him. Plus if I make it on the show, I could put that on my resume.

Daisy of Love Cast Member
Responsible for staying continually drunk. 
Attempted make out with said Daisy. 
Semi-finalist. 

I’m not sure what new job that could land me, aside from a future in porn, or extensive and thorough knowledge of STDs and gynecology.

So I haven’t applied yet, but if I can wrangle up a couple more than six thousand votes, it’s something I might highly consider.

That’s all for now…

email at,
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Do This. Do It Now. And Do It Cause I Said So….

For my close friends, they will all tell you that Politics are the last thing on my mind in starting up a conversation. In fact, if some girl has “has to be politically active” on their list of things they need in a man… go right ahead and scratch me off that possible list.

I’ve got my views. I’ve got my opinions. I’ve got my pre-conceived notions. I’ve got my facts. I’ve got my lies. And they’re all mine. You can’t tell me I’m right, or I’m wrong cause they’re mine. That would be why I shall not share them with you, and we will get along splendidly. (By the way, cool word splendidly. Seriously, type it out. Splendidly. You’d think I was high right now…. Rooooo-Ads!)

Anyway, while all my own political views are mine, and yours are yours, I still think, regardless of who you are and who you want to win, you HAVE to vote!

With that being said… please watch this video.

There it is folks… register to vote. Do it. Do it Now!
DeclareYourSelf.com
ChooseorLoose.com

Because like I’ve said many times…

If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.

And remember to Vote Obi Wan Kenobi…. He’s our only hope….

ps. Shout to JDub, and Mego who have both posted this video, and to some of my MySpace friends who have done the same. Make sure it spreads.