So it’s been a little bit since I blogged, and instead of writing the obligatory “I’m really busy blog, I’ll write one soon.” I decided that I would just take half an hour out of my Sunday night to jot some things down.

Nothing really all that important has happened lately but I thought I would let you in on a couple of things happening.

Couple weekends ago a very very good friend of mine, Gibs, came into town to hang out and celebrate his anniversary with his wife. I haven’t gotten to see Gibs lately becasue he lives in a very remote part of the state that no one goes too unless they have a job there (Gibs) or they’re hiding from the law. The only reason I know Gibs isn’t hiding from the law is a.) because he works for law enforcement currently, b.) I’ve actually been called by the state to answer some questions regard Gibs and his character. Gibs and I were roommates throughout college so I suppose I’m a character witness.

(Although it is worth noting that I lie every time they call me when they ask if Gibs has any problems with alcohol. And I guess its not really lying because Gibs doesn’t have any problems with alcohol, in fact he loves alcohol. They’re like best friends, and if he wasn’t currently married, I’m pretty sure he and booze would be walking down the isle shortly. That is, if he could stand long enough.)

Anyway, so Gibs and his lovely wife came to town and we decided to meet up last second. I can honestly say it’s always a great time when Gibs and I get together, and this was no difference. The biggest difference was that Gibs’ lovely wife was, how do I put this delicately,…. oh right, she was shit canned! Apparently they had gone to a baseball game before meeting up with me, and Mrs. Gibs was already well on her way. We met up downtown and continued with our usual pattern of drinking.

Mrs. Gibs decided that it was time to finally get something off her chest. Remember the little town that the Gibs live in, well as it turns out I haven’t visited them since they’ve been married. (With obvious reason.) So in all her drunken glory Mrs. Gibs gave me sooooo much shit that I decided to cave and head out to the Gibs family home in the future, and possibly collect on some rewards for the FBI. In addition to agreeing to visit the “land that technology forgot” Mrs Gibs also decided that it was indeed time that I found myself an “honest” woman. To which she scoured the bar for someone to not only introduce me to, but hopefully set us up and marry us off.

Mind you this wouldn’t be such a big deal, and I wouldn’t have minded cause I generally trust women’s ideas of hot, but I also didn’t realize that Mrs. Gibs gets a wicked case of beer goggles when she drinks. So low and behold Mrs. Gibs was literally dragging me across the bar for the most awkward introduction that I may have ever been involved with. I don’t even remember the poor girls name but she was bombarded by Mrs. Gibs and my awkward shyness considering the moment. We chatted and it was small talk, so it came to an abrupt end. Which, even that felt awkward.

It must also be said that the young lady paid less attention to me than the nice young Asian gentleman sitting next to her. And yes, I’m flattered when gay guys hit on me.

I knew the night was a success when I received the following text messages from Gibs.
- Hey man, we got locked out of our room, but we got it figured out.
- Just letting you know Mrs. Gibs and I threw up, a lot.
- What time did you drop us off last night?

success.
Look for the Gibs Family Visit blog coming after July 19th.

As some people already know I can’t stand the heat. And apparently this past weekend Mother Nature decided I hadn’t had enough shit go down in my life, so she jacked up the furnace to a brisk 103 degrees. SERIOUSLY! 103???? I felt like I was going to melt. I think my body temperature is much higher than that of the average person. All of my past girlfriends can attest that when it’s hot outside, I’m THE worst person to be around. There is NO touching. NO snuggling. NO PDA. NOTHING. There is absolutely no way I’m inviting people to raise my body temperature along with my uncomfortable level.

So I do my best to make sure I stay in or around air conditioning. So off to the movies I went. I had passes from the radio station to go see The Happening for free. So I called up Stevie P. and we decided to roll down on Saturday.

Now it must be said that I am a big fan of M. Night Shyamalan. I really like The Sixth Sense. I loved Unbreakable. I liked Signs and the Village too. Wasn’t a fan of Lady in The Water, but I still enjoyed Shyamalan’s style of directing. So after hearing some early reviews of my friends calling the movie the Crappening, I was a little timid. And with reason. The movie is a bit of a stretch. The concept will have a lot of people upset and saying this is stupid. I however, (while I agree with the review of the movie itself, it was a stretch) would like to point out that I have written many times (here, and here) about mother nature and the power she wields. She’s one cranky bitch my friends, so maybe, just maybe, M. Night was on to something. Maybe he reads my blogs and got some inspiration. I dunno. What I do know, is the movie was totally worth the price I paid (free)… and although the movie was a bit of a let down, I’m still a BIG fan of his directing style.

If you want spoilers to the movie so this makes a little more sense, leave me a comment with your email. I’ll ruin everything for you.

In another new revelation, I may have begun a new little crush on Zooey Deschanel.

While most of the world was watching another new little crush, DeAnna Pappas (ps, she wasn’t a crush till this post from The Superficial), on the bachlorette I was busy watching some show called Baby Borrowers or something like that. Basically they take someone baby’s, probably some Mormons or Catholics cause they’ve got kids to spare, and give it to some high school couple who thinks they (the girl) really wants a baby, to take care of for the week. What ensuses is a whirlwind of awesomeness where young girls get the biggest kick in the ass when realizing, “hey this baby shit isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”*

(*official quote from said teens)

What is even more awesome is when the boyfriend (who all of them didn’t want one in the first place, shocking) gets the ultimate chance to say “I told you so.” Which for any young man in his teens is almost like winning a state championship. The chance of being right when going up against a woman comes few and far between in your teen years. Some young men go their entire teens and early twenty’s without ever being right. So when the opportunity comes you men, you take it! You take it and you ride that being right till the sun comes up.

Oh, and wear a condom kid.

Lastly (I know this is long) while I sat at home this past weekend and enjoyed the bliss that is our houses AC (and the fact my parents pay the energy bill…. hellllllloooo 70 degrees.) My friend Alicia were IMing back and forth and she sent me something she found roaming the internet!

The Vitamin String Quartet!

This was about the coolest thing ever! It’s basically just a REALLY good string quartet that does covers of popular songs. One of their latest CD’s is covers of Fall Out Boy’s songs. But by searching iTunes there is a bevy of cd’s and songs to choose from. Here were some of my favorite selections.

Clock - Coldplay
Welcome To The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
Sweet Child O’Mine - Guns N’ Roses
Sunday, Bloody Sunday - U2
Mr. Brightside - The Killers

There are soooooo many more that I can’t even list. If you like music which I know a most of my friends do, you’ll be sure to check them out on iTunes. Amazing I tell you, amazing.

(ps, allegedly this was found on some wedding blog, apparently Alicia is checking out some wedding blogs. Just sayin.)

So as I’ve grown in my life, I’ve become quite accustomed to the women in my life being fairly adept at dropping hints.

Sometimes I’ve been really good at picking up on things. For example one ex-gf at one point a couple months before Christmas stated, “Have you seen the Tiffany’s bracelets, with the heart. So cute, I love em.”

To which with my powers as a man, picked up on the fact that she wanted a Tiffany’s bracelet and therefore she recieved one. I was of course the hero that Christmas.

However I’ve also failed many many times in the dropping of hints from women. It’s just not something I’m very good at. For starters I’m a guy. Guy’s don’t drop hints. Guys are literal. Guys say, I want such and such, that’s pretty much what they mean. Of course we’ve been known to be “confusing” but that’s because for the most part ladies, you’re looking for the deeper meaning. You’re looking for some alternate version of what was said. And it’s not your fault, it’s just the way your wired. It’s what makes us, us.

The other reason for failure to pick up on the sublties from women, is because my mom isn’t very subtle. Never has been, and I don’t think she ever will. I think it may come from the fact that she’s lived in a house full of men her entire life. I’ve got 6 brothers and my dad so it became quite imperative for her not to drop hints. Nothing would get done.

My mother is also not very shy. She’ll tell you how it is. I can tell you exactly which girls I brought home my mom like and disliked. So far I’m batting 2-4. While that is an impressive .500, that generally doesn’t get you very far in the “making wise decisions” section of mom hood. Which I’m currently ok with, considering I’ve done many a things to elevate my status of “son who makes the worst decisions.”

(side bar, I’m not some loser drug addicted flunky, I just may or may not have certain issues with the religion for which I was raised. This would be a huge factor in “son who makes the worst decisions” contests. Although two of my brothers haven’t been to college yet, I’m pretty sure I’m still the gold medal winner in this category. And if you know me, you’ll know I do love winning. The only way I drop down to the silver medal is if one of my bros. decideds to enroll into the military. If that is to take place, then it’s the silver medal podium for me folks.)

Sorry for that, back to the story.

I came home the other day to find that my mother had been shopping. I’m not sure why or when, but she has found some sort of fascination with shopping at Goodwill. I’m pretty sure it’s because of the good deals. For example when I was looking for a writing desk for my room, where did she suggest? That’s right the Goodwill. The desk was not all it was hyped up to be but that’s normal.

My mom shops a lot for her grandchildren. (This is a disturbing fact for growing up my mother bought us NOTHING that wasn’t really neccesary. This is also my theory that she is attempting to earn her way into heaven by being nice to the grandchildren.) So among the thigns that are littered on the table are a pair of kid shoes, some hawaiian t’s, some kid cargo shorts, and a nylon Red Sox’s outfit complete with jacket and pants.

She was very excited (as she always is) to show me her recent finds at the Goodwill. The shoes, shorts, and t’s were for my nephew. Which is cool, becasue he’ll be looking fly this summer. However even though my nephew has just picked up some t-ball, my mother informed me that the Sox’s outfit was actually not for my nephew….

Mom: did you see the Sox Warm up?
Me: Yeah I did, that’s awesome! Landon will love it!
Mom: It’s not for landon.
Me: Who’s it for then?
Mom: well I was thinking maybe you’d want it.
Me: FOR WHAT?
Mom: I don’t know… maybe, you’d just want it.. for the future or something?
Me: You can’t be serious right now?
Mom: Well I don’t know, just thought you know, maybe…
Me: Fine, I’ll take it, maybe I have a teddy bear somewhere I can put it on.
Mom: Yeah that will work.
Me: yeah I bet.

So there you have it. Mom started dropping hints. She wants me either
a.) outta the house.
b.) to be a babby daddy.
c.) to adopt a toddler to fit this Red Sox outfit she so proudly bought.
d.) become a “big brother” to an inner city youth.

I’m not exactly sure what to think. Although finding one of the ladies that lowered my batting average and begin hanging out with her again to piss my mom off, probably isn’t the best way to be a good son. But then again, it would probably catapult me to the gold medal podium.

I do like to win.

So since it was nice yesterday I decided that there could only be one thing to help me past these last couple of weeks…. yup, retail therapy. I had to buy something.

I am a self proclaimed consujmre whore. I’m not ashamed and it’s been well documented. There have been many times late at night in college where a Taco Bell add would come on, and I had to pursuade my roomate to get up and go. (it really wasn’t that hard, but still.)

So as I do most Sunday’s I read the comics, the Sports section, and then on to the sale papers. In reading the Target add I noticed that they had framed artwork of MLB Stadiums, which included Fenway Park. I love stadium artwork, I think it’s really cool. So of course the consumer-whorism kicked in and off to Target I drove.

It was a beautiful day. So the sunroof was open, windows down and top 40 pop Gangster rap was playing through the stereo speakers. I ran into Best Buy, Sports Authority, and finally on to Target.

People of the northwest will hate me, but I hate to be outside when it’s too hot. Can’t stand it. Hate it. People are shocked when I say this. It doesn’t get too hot, too often and when it does, people just bust out all sorts of “we’ve been in the grey for sooooo long, I don’t care that I’m wearing birtkenstocks with socks.” But me, no sir, outside when it’s too hot is not for me… I sir, will enjoy the comforts of shopping and air conditioning. And you had better belive Target had the AC in full effect. God Bless you Target.

It was at the first Target that they informed me that they did not have the Fenway print I was looking for, but another one did. So it was off in my car to the next Target.

On my way to the next Target that I saw what literally made me laugh out loud in my car. And it’s one of those things that I’m writing about, that I don’t think anyone will care about. But I busted up laughing.

As I’m rounding the corner I see this portly young man, not on a jog, not on a run, but a dead sprint! I can only think, he’s headed to the video game store down the street. At frist I thought this young lad would get winded and stop. But then….. it happened. I realized why my young friend was in such a hurry. It may actually have been the destination to make it to the game store, but people, there is no way this young man was making it to the game store at such pace.

He did however, manage to make it at a dead sprint to the Little Caesars mascot on the sidewalk with sign in hand for $5 pizzas! As I passed this beautiful couple, which could only be explained as watching a cheesy movie where the couple had not see each other and go running towards each other in a lavish field, there was a beautiful moment where a running/jumping high five was exchanged. Which was met with what I can only imgaine was a shout of glee.

Yipppeeeeeeee!

These little instances people are what make my day.

I wonder if he made it to the Video Game Shop.

I’ve been a huge Kanye West fan for years. I love his style, his beats, and his lyrics. I think he’s pretty damn amazing. I know a lot of people out there hate his bravado, his arrogance, and his temper tantrums.

That my friend is your opinion. And luckily enough in this country, you’re entitled to it.
I’d have to say, his music, speaks for itself.

I have to say though, after what I saw on Tuesday night Kanye went above and beyond my expectations of a show.

I was timid giong into Tuesday nights show. I’ve seen Kanye twice before. Once by himself, and the other he opened for U2. (Still the number one concert of my life.) The reason I was timid was for two reasons.
1.) Could he do what he had done before? Full orchestra on stage? Could he pull out all the stops?

2.) I love Entertainment Weekly. I love thier reviews, I love thier articles, LOVE that magazine. So when this negative review came out I was a little disheartned. This couldn’t be right… could it?

So tickets in hand, I went to the show.

I couldn’t help but wonder, what the EW reviewer had just watched. The Glow In The Dark Tour jumped it’s way right to the number 2 spot on concerts I’ve seen all time! It was amazing! Seriously amazing, I wish I could illustrate the stage itself, because that alone was stunning. But Kanye came out all by himself and rocked a stage at a hip-hop show for and hour. Performing all the hits that made him who he is, and all the hits that I love that aren’t as popular to the masses.

It’s been 2 days since the show, and I”m still trying to grasp exactly what the EW writer was thinking. Maybe it was because they don’t pay for shows anymore. Maybe it’s because this was a concert they didn’t really want to go to in the first place. Maybe they just like rock shows better. But I couldn’t understand the review.

Lupe Fiasco sounded amazing. Their version of Superstar sounded as if it were blasting in my car stereo. N.E.R.D…. holy shit how amazing were they?!?!? Playing Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes? I coulnd’t have asked for anything more coming from them. Part of me wishes there hadn’t been seats on the floor cause I’m curious if a pit would have started. The beautiful and talented Rihanna came on to inpart her musical talents on all of us. I must say, she’s grown a lot since the last time I saw her perfom in a tiny ass club with only 100-150 people watching. Tuesday she had a sold out arena, singing along to her greatest hits, a cover or two (M.I.A’s Paper Planes for one!) and even her newest, Take a Bow.

All of this built like a movie, or a book, all of this was just the rising action before the climax of the show.

Mr. Kanye West.

I can’t stress enough how amazing this show was. No backup dancers. No fellow artists to help him on stage. Just him and a captive audience. The songs came at blistering pace, which made me and my fellow concert goers wonder if he was going to pass out. But not only did he not pass out, but it seemeds as if he upped the tempo! He took a brief respite while Journey blasted Don’t Stop Believ’n which was a personal favorite moment of mine. The show came with a monolouge from the heart of Kanye, and then Touch The Sky.

This kinda show makes me watn to see more concerts. The concert expierence, if done right, is something that will stick with you forever. Go ahead, ask people older than you, your parents, your grandparents, thier favorite concert or their best concert memory. I’m sure they’ll still be able to tell you with great detail. I can, without a doubt, say that in my years to come, The Glow in The Dark Tour is a show I’ll still talk about.

I judge things now a days, by wether or not I would actually pay to see/go/watch. U2, I’d pay a ton of money to see. The Killers, yup, them too.

Kanye West? in a heartbeat.

who knows, someday when I have kids, maybe I’ll tell them about my concert expierences.

So after a huge dissapointement in my life last week, I took some time to reflect on some things. Nothing actually came of it, because by reflect I actually mean, played a lot of viedo games. A LOT. That is besides the point. The point being is I wrote this blog a long time ago on MySpace, and I thought I would just bring it on over to my new site. For some of you this will be old, for others this will be brand new. Either way, it’s one of my favorites so I hope you enjoy.

Without further ado……

The world is really a cruel place. Some of my friends that maybe a little older may have already come to terms with this. Divorce, college loans, bills, accidnets, break ups, and the cancellation of Charles in Charge all come at blistering pace and remind you that sometimes life isn’t fair…

I’m not complaing (in theroy) I’m looking back on to my life and realizing, I should have been more prepared for life and it’s curve balls. Let’s go back, maybe it was my car accident when i was 16. Or the broken arm when i was 8. Yes, these taught me valuable lesson, but niether of these, or the myriad of other curves balls clued me into the fact that the world is a cruel place.

Back in the day, and some of my younger friends may not be able to grasp the true nature of this blog, and some friends that are of age, will look back on to the same example and curse the world with me…

Crocodile Mile. You see I loved Crocodile Mile. I loved the commercial to no end…. I mean who wouldn’t, “YOU RUN, YOU SLIDE, YOU HIT THE BUMP AND TAKE A DIIIIIIIIIVE!!!” (all of this of course is sung with a sweet little jingle that i know everyone just heard in their head.)

Imagine my surprise when one summer, my mom being the wonderful woman that she is, purchased a Crocodile Mile for fun in the sun. I could barely contain myself when opening the package. I couldn’t wait to Run, Slide, Hit the bump, and take a dive. After 15 minutes of setup, there it was in all it’s yellow glory!! Ready for an EXTREME summer, where all the cool kids would wanting to be my friend! (This was in fact a huge draw, because back in the day I was a loser.) In families of more than one kid, older brother rules apply… which means the older brother always gets to go first. So of course my anticipation was building even more for my turn…. and here it came!

I can remember the first run down the glorious Crocodile Mile. I took off in a mad sprint that Carl Lewis would have envied. I dove head first, arms outstretched, preparing myself, to hit the bump and take a dive! Here it came…. closer and closer…. and finally…. i hit the bump.

Now wait a second! What the FUCK was that?!?!? This isn’t what happened on the comercial, and why the hell is my side bleeding!

You see life isn’t fair. The “pool” you supposedly land in is a foot and a half wide, and roughly 6 inches deep! In addition to the bird bath for a pool, the Crocodile Mile stricly states to clear all foregin objest where you lay it down… What they don’t say is “becuase our so called pool is too small to actually take a dive, you will clear it therefore sliding straight into whatever is beyond the Crocodile Mile. Hence the uncleared area, full of rocks, twigs, and whatever else you just threw there, cause you figured the pool would catch you.

You see people the world is a cruel place. People lie. People steal. College loans take forever to pay off, significant others will dump you, and your favorite tv show WILL be cancelled. But the deepest pain of all is realizing the Crocodile Mile is a sham.

(that and pulling the rock out of your skin.)

First things first.

I saw Indiana Jones, twice. And I thought it was great. There are some people out there who are going to say, it sucked. It was cheesy. It had too many special effects. Harrison Ford “mailed it in.”

Well I say go eff yourself!

I don’t really mean that.

wait.

Yes I do.

For those of you old enough to have seen any of the previous three Indy movies in the theaters, then this one is going to bring back all the fun you had the first time. Right down to the theme music at the very end. I’m not going to say it was the best out of the 4… cause it wasn’t. But it was fun and I liked it. So go out and see Indiana Jones. It’s fun and it’s a great summer popcorn movie. No more no less.

I may even be excited if Shia Lebouf takes on the role as the new Indy, I mean his name is Henry Jones the 3rd. nice…..

Now that I’ve got Indy out of the way, it’s time to talk about how much booze I consumed over the past couple of days. Normally I’ve been sticking to my workout regime and by that I mean cutting back on the numbers of days I tend to drink. I’ve waned it down from a solid 5 outta 7 days, to a solid 1 maybe two a week. With that being said, I’ll have it be known, that just because my days of drinking have diminished, my intake has not.

This however was not the case this past weekend. My good friend Leeds rolled into town from China. Yup, China. And nope, he’s not Chinese. He’s not even Asian. Just a good old white boy from Oregon who’s job has taken him to China. Leeds and I attended the same high school. We’ve known each other for a couple years. He’s been gone a couple of years, so when he comes to town we usually try to drink till we can’t stand celebrate.

In past years, some of the festivities have included, me standing on a chair and challenging someone to a fight, Leeds singing the Ricky Martin classic “She Bangs” to some random cougars, and the biggest celebration ended by Stampy driving me home and me puking in the front lawn of my parents house. Class 24/7 folks.

So this year was unlike no other… we proceeded to our favorite Irish bar and got some dinner and proceeded to drink ourselves silly. And by silly I mean drunk off our asses. Go us. It was a celebration unlike any other. Stampy bought some wonderful shots for these two ladies who proceed to a.) treat him like he may have leprosy and b.) believe he may have roofied both the shots. (I would have gladly taken both the shots to prove that neither of the shots had been roofied, but I’m pretty sure that would have completely defeated the purpose of buying shots for women. Jury’s still out.)

All in all I believe there were a total of 8 rounds of drinks. Sadly there were no renditions of She Bangs, however there was a rousing version of Sweet Caroline that we felt necessary to back up the band. All in all a good night. Leeds went back to China this Monday with some great memories, and some equally fuzzy ones.

We got together with some other friends the next night, and again the booze flowed. Had a great time discussing my latest idea of “NapNation”®

Picture this, you’re at work, and you get off at 5:00 yet you were planning on meeting friends, at 7:30 to get drinks/see a movie whatever. You are thinking, home is too far away to drive home, and you really don’t want to stay late at work. You’re exhausted and you could really use a nap…. This is where NapNation® comes in!

NapNation® is where you could stop by and rent a bed/room for a pretty decent rate. The room would be filled with all sorts of magical relaxing agents to help you get a decent little nap in before meeting up with your friends. And trust me, most of my friends have asked me many a questions about the logistics of NapNation® and I am here to inform you I’ve thought about many of them. Please hold all your questions till the end.

Anyway, I’m basically just saying this to prove that I have wonderful ideas when I’m drunk.

So finally the end of Memorial Day came with a wonderful trip up to Seattle to see the Red Sox take on the Mariners. I would like to say that this trip was without booze, but that would be blasphemy against the great American tradition of beer, baseball, and processed cheese. For the most part the weekend was pretty tame and walking around a sunny Seattle was a pretty great treat, considering Seattle has like 4 sunny days a year. I’m pretty happy that I got to witness at least one of them.

Jdub and I ventured down to the Pyramid Brewery about 2 hours before game time to catch the Celtics v Pistons on TV and drink some overpriced beer. Well, the inside of the bar was extremely packed. It was basically standing room only…. and it was packed with Sox fans. Which was awesome. Nothing like outnumbering the home teams fans at their own ballpark and bars. It was like the 18th street Vatos rolling into the 12th street Dragons yet all the Dragons had something more important to do then defend their turf.

So there we were minding our own business taking in the sights of the bar. We were quickly surrounded by some very interesting characters. The first two were a lesbian couple oddly enough from Portland. Next, was the fruit vendor, the 6′4 firefighter, and his buddy…

Now if this group already sounds hilarious, it was. It was the perfect group for our own reality show. Somehow we all became aquatinted and once the booze started flowing things became a little more funny. First was the fruit vendor. It was a sad little story watching him trying to run game on one of the lesbian women. And he would give up either. He kept trying and trying, almost pretending as if he didn’t hear her say…. “I’m not any good at sucking.” “I’m a lesbian.” “Me and My girlfriend….” All of these were direct quotes, and all of these did nothing to deter our friend the fruit vendor.

Speaking of the fruit vendor, at one point our friend the 6′4 firefighter asked us all… anyone from the east coast?? To which most of us replied no, I mentioned that I had lived in Londonderry New Hampshire, but other than me the only one to respond was the fruit vendor. To which he replied in “an outta nowhere” Boston accent, that he was indeed from some east coast town. (I can’t honestly remember which one, for the shock and awe of the accent rendered me speechless and deaf.)

Literally after about a hour and a half fruit vendor was still running game on Lesbian number one. It was mighty impressive the determination on this guy. At one point we found out that the two lesbians actually were from the same area as Jdub and I. After a little more conversation, we found out that Lesbian number two is actually a cop with Jdubs ex-boyfriend… More hilarity ensued over the making fun of how dorky Jdubs ex-bf was, but even more hilarity ensued when lesbian number one proceeded to get very very intoxicated.

At one point someone joined the group late and brought some girl along with him. To start they weren’t very talkative, and well lesbian number one took a great exception to this. At one point, she looked over at Jdub and I and exclaimed (and not quietly mind you) “that girl he brought, she’s like the fucking ice queen.” To which I laughed and brought up the scene from Saving Silverman. The one with the graph chart of how much fun was had….
“Before Ice queen joined the group, we were at an all time high of fun. 98%. After ice queen showed up we were at an all time low in fun. Zero fun.”

As we all discussed what we did, and what made us awesome (other than being sox fans) lesbian number one shouted, to the 6′4 firefighter… “fuck you’re like the coolest person here, you run into burning buildings, my girlfriend gets shot at with real bullets, this dudes a fruit vendor, and I sling coffee at starbucks. What the fuck do you two do?”

(at this point I must interject another little story about Fruit vendor. Remember when we were talking about the east coast and his Boston accent magically appeared? Right, well right at the point lesbian number one mentioned he was a fruit vendor, he turned to the group to proclaim… “it’s very profitable situation.” To which I couldn’t help but notice, muther fucking fruit vendor NOW has a lisp? Holy hell….)

I mentioned I worked in radio which was met with awe, and Jdub replied something about events etc etc and being awesome. Lesbian one was impressed. We had made it to coolness in the eyes of a drunken lesbian. Life goal completed.

After two hours of drinking, and endless running game we decided to part ways from the group. We all said our goodbyes and good lucks to the Sox.

More beers were had at the game and the Sox went on to win 5-3. It was a great night for baseball and a great trip to be had. I’m not sure if JDub has heard from her ex-bf yet, but I’m pretty sure there is going to be some sort of mention. I mean those lesbians were funny.

Which brings me to the moral of this story….

beer, baseball, and processed cheese has the power to bring us all together. As fans. As Humans. And as a Nation. God Bless America.

and lesbians.

I pretty much love How I Met Your Mother. LOVE IT! Barney Stinson is amazing. The show reminds me way to much of my own life.

I mean it’s really weird some of the parallels that I’ve drawn from some of the episodes.

Like Okay Awesome where they all go to a club in NY and the majority of the episode is done subtitles. Which was freakin awesome. Everyone who’s ever been to a club know just how hard it is to talk to someone at a club. 90% of the time, you have no idea what the other person said. Or they’re leaning in so close to your ear, that you can actually feel your eardrum being pierced with each syllable. So as of late I can’t say I’ve been a big fan of “going out” to the clubs. But when a good friend comes into town and you’ve got VIP, you go.

My good friend Ms. C(the italics are for emphasis for being that awesome, kinda like a Ms. Janet if your nasty kinda thing. In addition that will be the last mention of Ms. Janet if ya nasty ever again in this blog). came rolling into town from DC. So I made it a point to make it to the club. The whole experience reminded me of the episode. Ms C. and I hanging out having some drinks, and talking some mad shit! I mean, to everyone. Being an asshole is probably one of my favorite things to do… and when combined with some friends, and Jack, I can be pretty funny. The beauty and the parallel came because of the loud music, and no one being able to hear us except the two of us. Which is good, cause Pop-and-lock dude probably would have wanted to kick my ass. Which, considering, would be merited.

Another parallel that actually came from that same episode was when Barney unwittingly was dancing with his cousin. And after laughing my ass off, I couldn’t help but realize this was another parallel in my life. Wait, not my life, but essentially a friend of a friend may or may not have dated a cousin of theirs. Allegedly the cousin was twice removed or through marriage so “technically” ok, but still… another strange parallel.

Then of course there is the episode where Barney goes after the cougar. A little time back my friend Mr. Royal had moved and we didn’t spend the quality time we used to. Back in the day we used to know who each of us was “running game” on and whether or not we approved. (we totally did 99% percent of the time cause are standards are AWESOME.) Well once the move took place we didn’t quite have the communication about the lady friends we once did. So it came to my surprise the day Mr. Royal had let me in on his current conquest of a cougar. I was taken aback. But I knew that if anyone was netting a cougar, at least Mr. Royal’s was hot.

Another parallel that most guys will attest to is of course the “crazy eyes.” At one point one of the characters starts dating a new girl. Upon the first meeting the two other guys notice right away that the chick has “crazy eyes.” For those of you who don’t know (ladies) some people have crazy eyes. I’m not talking about a lazy eye, or being cross eye, it is literally a window to the soul of the individual. It lets us know that you are indeed crazy. You may not be now, you may not be soon, but you will indeed be crazy… and it is in fact in the eyes.

Speaking of crazy…

This graph is true. TBIC.

Lastly one of my favorite episodes from this season was No Tomorrow. Where the main character Ted, utilizes St. Patrick’s Day to live like there is no tomorrow. Literally drinking a ton and making out with random girls. He wakes up in the morning and has to have Marshall recount his evening activities. This episode spoke to me on so many levels. First, this is one of the only tv shows to recognize SPD for what is is. Another day for people to gather and get shit faced by as early as 2 pm, on a weekday. I am not going to lie, I’ve skipped work for SPD. I’ve taken 2 days off of work one year for what can only be described as the Perfect Storm of Drinking. It happened to be the first two days of the NCAA March Madness Tournament on Thursday and Friday and SPD Celebrations all weekend long. Unlike the guys on that fateful trip, I did not die. And at some point in my life, my story of the Perfect Storm of Drinking, shall be heard.

The second part of the episode, I believe I already documented by the amount I drank and what I remember. There was no making out with girls, but I indeed had to have a friend recount some of the nights activities. Another parallel.

I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m the same age as the characters in the show. Or if it’s cause I’m going through some of the same things they are. But I love How I Met Your Mother. I think you will too. Make sure to check it out, Mondays at 8:30pm on CBS. If you have other things to do… make sure to at least Tivo it and watch when you have some free time. I can guarantee the time spent watching will be LEGENDARY!

ps… if you already watch and haven’t already, make sure to check out Barney’s blog.

So I broke down and actually watched the Hills “finale.” I know I’ve told many of you that I wouldn’t watch or write about it again. But I figured this was worthy of a little mentioning. I watched the episode online, (west coasters you can watch after 7 o’clock online. Totally saves your entire night. Trust me.)

I’m not going to go into how much I hate the people on this show. I’m not. My hatred has grown more and more over the past couple weeks, and as some of you know, it’s spilled over into my writings about the show. Well tonights episode was not unlike any other viewing, except my hatred grew even bigger. Since I was watching online, I was also chatting with a friend of mine, another devoted fan who I talk to about reality tv quite a bit.

What transpires next is a true account of what happened after the show had gone off the air. The names have been changed, but the words have not.

doubledown: FUUUUUUUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
licia00: whattttt
doubledownI just finished the “finale”
doubledown: I thought, I had sworn off the hills. Then the preview for “next season (august)” came up.
doubledown: I’m really fucking intrigued.
doubledown: fuck
doubledown: fuck
licia00: i know.
licia00: we’re going to get sucked in. face it.
doubledown: son of a bitch.
doubledown: i’m pissed.
licia00: we should have hills hate parties
doubledown: we should. wait… No we shouldn’t!!!
doubledown: fuck.
doubledown: i’ve let myself down.
licia00: it’s ok.
doubledown: I don’t think it is.
licia00: you think you’re the only one that hates themselves for watching the hills?
licia00: silly,.
doubledown: I don’t think I”m the only one…
doubledown: but i’m just sick to my stomach cause I tried telling myself, no more hills. I really did this time.
licia00: hahha
doubledown: I’m kinda upset you find this funny.
licia00: :( 
licia00: dont be douchey, i’ll start calling you spencer.
doubledown: I just…. I’m just at a loss at the moment.
doubledown: and that my friend, was uncalled for.
licia00: haha
licia00: you have several months to rehab yourself of the hills
doubledown: Is this what a crackhead feels like?
licia00: most likely.
doubledown: it just hurts.
doubledown: and I know all summer long I’m goign to be all good, and not watch one rerun and try not to get upset when the “crew” shows up on the blog sites.
doubledown: but once August rolls around, I don’t know if i’m going to be able to resist that temptation.
licia00: im sure there are some groups we can join
doubledown: I really do hope so. I’m extremely dissapointed in myself.
licia00: we’ll get through this.
licia00: HA.
licia00: Hills Anonymous
doubledown: Like you know when you’re parents/best friends/significant others use the…… I’m not mad. I’m disappointed….. that’s the exact feeling I have now.
doubledown: Like future me is going to bitch slap me, and say I told you so back in May.
doubledown: really Hills Anonymous? HA?
licia00: also, HA as in…hilarity
doubledown: also very true.
licia00: i hate to love this show.
doubledown: me too.

I’m really dissapointed in myself friends. ugh.

maybe there’s a support group or something on Facebook.

god I hate me.

So as we all know television on Saturdays for the most part really sucks. A lot of re-runs, a lot of stupid sports most people have never heard of, and more than likely The Goonies, Roadhouse, or Back to the Future are on some channel.

(I”m pretty positive that those three movies have contracts with all the networks in the world to continue to play those movies over and over again. Not that I’m complaining, I happen to love the Goonies, and I’m not going to lie, I can’t pass up watching Roadhouse every time it’s on TV. There is just something about Patrick Swayze carrying around his own medical history every time he gets in a bar fight. Which if you’ve seen the movie is roughly every 10 minutes, when Swayze isn’t having sex, being zen, or training. Plus there is a dope scene with a polar bear.)

Anyway, sorry for that tangent. My point is, this past Saturday I was channel surfing through the channels. I happened to catch Tila Tequila’s reality show, A Shot of Love 2. I’m not going to lie. I totally watched the first season. In secret of course. Part of the reason I think was because it was a even bigger train wreck than Rock of Love. Which as everyone knows is pretty hard to top. So I’m watching Tila, which for the record, I can’t figure out why she’s famous, or why she has her own show.

I happen to think that a camera crew following me and some of my friends around on any given theme party, a random weekend, or a Thirsty Thursday would provide tons and tons of material for people to enjoy for at least a 12 episode arc. Plus if MTV’s needed another reality dating show, I’m pretty sure we can totally rig something. Because it seems to me the formula for any MTV (or any dating show) consists of Alcohol, loose women, and ignorant dudes. (Also the formula for the Real World.)

So while I’m cursing myself in my head for actually watching the show I came across this fine little realization…..
This my friends is Sibrina.

Every year because I live so far from Fenway Park, I make it a priority to see some Sox games close to home. I live in the pacific northwest so the closest place for me to take in a game is in beautiful Seattle WA, and Safeco Field. On my last visit to Safeco Field to see the mighty Red Sox, my friend and I decided to meet up with one of my friends who I used to work with in radio. He usually hosted a club night and told us we could get in free. This sounded like the perfect idea. Night out the day before the game, free entrance to the club, and a quick cab ride to the venue.

We got to the club and it really could only be explained as a Coyote Ugly type bar. Chicks were tough, but hot, whiskey flowed like the salmon of Capistrano, American flags here and there, and of course a mechanical bull. They have these girls who walk around with little “beakers” for shot glasses and they’re like a dollar (or 10 but at some point I lost track.) So I’m not going to lie… I may have had 5-6 little shots pair that with 5-6 actual Jack and Cokes (and half a bottle at the hotel.)

Needless to say I was drunk. We spent the time drinking and having fun. It was a good night. The girls are trained in being teases and they do it well. I can only hope that some of my money went to help them with their college education. At one point while with my buddy one of the girls caught my eye… and it just so happened to be the mechanical bull operator! While I was my usual drunk self and didn’t introduce myself, or even say to many words to her, my good friend was competent enough to get this picture….

That’s right boys and girls, that is me in the picture, and that is indeed Sibrina from Shot of Love 2. Obviously she is my front runner to be the winner of Shot of Love but I may be biased. Turns out while watching the episode Tila and Sibrina totally make out, a lot. I’m not sure what was worse in this world…. knowing that Sibrina likes chicks, or the fact that Tila Tequila and I have the same taste in women.

After my daunting self realization I decided to change the channel. I really couldn’t find much to watch, so I settled on the Kentucky Derby. Or what I thought was the Kentucky Derby. It was in fact the Kentucky Derby Pre Show.

WTF????

A Kentucky Derby Pre Show? Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? The race itself last 2 minutes. The pre show was an 2 HOURS before the actual race took place. At first I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I mean, I was actually watching the red carpet to the Kentucky Derby. There was Billy Bush interviewing “celebrities” as they walked down the red carpet. Asking them who they’re betting for, and actually just making awkward conversation. My favorite probably could have been the interaction between Billy Bush and Michael Strahan. See if you can google it.

One of the two best were Bo Derek, and Molly Simms. Wow did Molly look hot and where has she been lately. Its as if the modeling world is missing a superhero. And who knew that she was from Kentucky. So her and Ashley Judd are about the only two redeeming qualities of Kentucky. Aside from Bourbon. (and NO Kentucky basketball does not count for any type of redeeming quality.)

While former models entertained me, there was one part that stood out from the rest. You see, there is no other sport in the World that makes the attendees realize their actual place in the grand scheme of things. I mean really, the huge separation of the people with money, who sit in the Grandstands, and the po’ folk, who reside in the Infield. (Allegedly the infield is 10 times more fun than any stuffy grandstand with stupid hats.) My favorite part was when the cut to “millionaires row.” Really?!? They have a millionaires row? Where only millionaires can go? How effed up is that? But what caught my attention, was when they interview Terrel Owen in millionaires row.

You know when colleges send out their promotional pamphlets and such trying to get you to apply for thier college. Well little known fact there is a lot of thought that goes into those pamphlets. Like just exactly how many different ethnic groups are represented in any given photo. Let’s just say that the people who put that much thought into those types of photos were obviously not around for the arrangement of this particular interview. I couldn’t help but laugh seeing TO in front of the camera, with nothing but a sea of white (old) people in the background. Turns out, millionaires row is rolling in old money. I found it a tad humorous.

I’ve never really thought of Kentucky as a really progressive, forward thinking state, but allegedly I”m totally wrong. Apparently in the forming of a pre show, someone thought it would be a “fabulous” idea to have two gay guys determine the winner of the Kentucky Derby based on what the jockeys would be wearing. Here I was thinking Kentucky was a Red State.
“Yes’ Kent, this looks like a fabulous racing silk.”
“Bob I totally agree, I’m going to pick this jockey for the light blue, yellow polka dotted top.”
“I’m going to have to agree Kent, but I’m going to pick the jockey who’s wearing this green and pink top..”

It was hilarious. It was awkward. And dammit I loved every second of it. Of course neither of the riders won, and who thought they would have. That’s like picking your march madness bracket on the color of the uniforms. Never works.

at the end of the day, after Big Brown won the race, and Eight Belles had been put down, I really only had one thought about the Kentucky Derby…..

I wonder if I could pull off the Seersucker Suit?

I’ve been watching a lot of sports lately. Mostly a lot of soccer. I happen to love soccer. I’m a huge fan of Manchester United. There are a lot of people in the world that would call me a bandwagon fan, and while I can’t entirely deny that, I have a legitimate reason.

Back in the day before the widespread satellite phenomenon even extended cable didn’t offer that much soccer on TV. I’d been rasied playing soccer and it’s one of those things that, while I may not be the best at, I can definitely hold my own. So when European soccer was on TV most the time it was Liverpool or Manchester United. So I grew up watching Man U. And have to say, I totally fell in love with the club and it’s players. Namely one Eric Cantona. A French asshole (yeah that was a fan.) with a penchant for socring goals… along with coaches wives, which is how he ended up at Man U. Anyway, the point of this is, Man U’s season is coming to an end with a run at not only the English title, but the European title… I’m excited.

Strangely I’ve also been watching a lot of NBA basketball. Which really has surprised me. I’m not a fan of the NBA. I grew up being a fan of Michael Jordan and him leaving the NBA left something to be desired in watching a random game. Jordan is no longer around, and neither are my Chicago Bulls, so I’ve been rooting for Cleveland (with the second coming of Michael Jordan, in Lebron James) and of course the Boston Celtics.

Here begins my sports rant….
#1. Arena musical selections should really be carefully monitored. Whilst watching a Cleveland game, during one of their timeouts, I couldn’t help but over hear Sweet Caroline being played. WTF???? Sweet Caroline. The same song that is played at EVERY Boston Red Sox home game? Pull your head out Cleveland. But I mean I guess it’s to be expected, their fans aren’t very sports literate anyway. Their the same fans that thought towels were going to get them through the ALCS last year. PS… hey cleveland…. real stadiums have their own traditions. Real fans don’t need gimmicks. Of course I can’t fault you completely. You are the city that had their heart ripped out by Art Model. I apologize for that, but start building your fan IQ.

#1b Dear Salt Lake City,
Hi! We love that you are in the Playoffs this year. Seems like you guys do that a lot. Congrats to you guys. We’d like to bring a little something to your attention, and it has to do with your musical selection in the arena. We couldn’t help but notice that during a time out you were playing 2 Legit 2 Quit by MC Hammer. Really? Now we understand that 95% of your population is white and is in fact Mormon, and we also know that by those two facts alone, MC Hammer is probably one of the top sellers in the “rap” genre down there. But I have to say people, after doing a little research you would have though you guys could have just followed a strict musical selection of Jock Jams. Just put the CD in and press play during time outs. There are 5 discs so I’m pretty sure that should last you the playoffs.

It should also be noted in the the almost 10 years of Jock Jams, not once is 2 Legit 2 Quit on one of those albums. Something Salt Lake should probably be notified of.

#2.
Speaking of fan IQ… what the hell is Washington Wizards fans’ deal??? They have got to be some of the worst fans in the ENTIRE world. Slinging around a towel cause it was free, I can forgive that. Wearing all white to the arena cause it looks cool on TV, I can forgive that. What I cannot, and WILL not forgive is the intolerable chants of OV-ER-RAT-ED when LEBRON JAMES is shooting free throws. Seriously, who in their right fucking mind thinks Lebron James is overrated? Oh that’s right Washington Wizards Gaurd DeShawn Stevenson said this in an interview…

When he was leaving the building, Mike Lee was chatting him up and mentioned LeBron again. DeShawn has obviously heard enough of that.

“He’s overrated,” DeShawn told Mike. “And you can say I said that.”

You’ve got some balls Stevenson. Some huge balls…. but in reality, that’s about all you’ve got. I mean lets take a comparison…
LEBRON JAMES 4 Years Pro
points per game 27.3
rebounds per game 6.9
assists per game 6.6

DeShawn Stevenson 7 years pro
points per game 8.7
rebounds per game 2.4
assists per game 1.9

YOWZERS! I didn’t realize they gave NBA Contracts for Sucking. (I’m not claiming I can play any better, but I’m not calling out a future Hall of Famer. That of course is no knock to you DeShawn.)

oh by the way…. DeShawn…. I’m not sure if you know this, but Lebron has 34, 22, 30, and 32 points in the 4 games of the playoffs. I wouldn’t be looking for that defensive player of the year award anytime soon.

Anyway… on to some other things…. Like the Hills.

I’m really beginning to hate this show. I’m not going to lie. I wish they would move the point of focus off of Lauren, for in fact her life, is not only boring, but repetitive.

Like I know this show is targeted at younger females, but is this really what they like? A stupid girl who a.) won’t let go of a grudge b.) reverts to the same mistakes over and over c.) is completely spoiled outta her mind and doesn’t have to do a thing in life?

A. Lauren if you’ve got a sex tape…. let the world see it. And by the world I mean me. I can do a little photoshop editing and take good ole J-Wahls face outta there and insert anyone you’d like. (namely me.) If your supposed best friend is the one who released the tape, don’t be pissed at her…. stop making porn at her house. It’s just a common courtesy. I mean, my friends all know if they have sex at my house, not only will my mom be pissed, but I’ll be filming the shit to make the next set of car payments. This would also work out a lot better if any of my friends were famous.

B. Lauren, move on with your life. For reals. find some new blood in that pathetic little circle of friends you have. There are millions of people in LA. More than likely there are lots of dudes who would be willing to take a shot with you. Shit, my friend Mr. Royal lives in LA. I could set you guys up. He’s a cool dude. Please for the love of god stop recycling the dudes in your life. I don’t want to see Brody, (ps his girl is all sorts of smokin hot… and don’t think the world didn’t notice you look her up and down and judge. And yes… she’s prettier than you.) I don’t want to see Jason, and I sure as fuck don’t want to see Stephen. If I wanted to see Stephen again, I’d pop in my dvd’s of Laguna Beach. Of course then i’d be forced to watch Kristen Cavallari…. meow.

C.) I hate how spoiled you are LC. At some point I wish you would fall in love with some transient on the street, get married and have mommy and daddy disown you so you could enter the real world. I only say this because I am jealous of your house. It is very nice. Wonder what the monthly payments on that bitch are…

With all this said and done, it’s nice to see Justin Bobby looking normal. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sure the ladies love this “cat” looking clean cut. And now that he’s not looking/talking like a transient on a 4 day binger, I’m not sure I’ve got anything to make fun of him for.

Killer Boots Man!

For those of you missing some good ole fashion reality shows, here are some other shows you may want to catch….

Hells Kitchen
Deadliest Catch
The Alaska Experiment
American Idol (I know I know.)

enjoy your week…